Ashes to Ashes.

Dear diary, You suck!

LAYLA

 

Dear Diary,

 

I wish sometimes you'd talk to me. I guess it'd be more than amazing to have friend that could actually give me some advice, but I have to say I'm loving the way our relationship works. I write down my problems, and you take them in without judgement and consequence and sometimes that's all a girl will ever need.

 You ever feel like no matter how hard you try, everything around you just keeps on crumbling at your feet? I guess you don't I mean all you are is paper, and my thoughts. I guess in a way your the silent version of me.. yeah there was  a funny thought..

  I ran into Kaya the other day. I know nine months worth of diary  entries and I've never really mentioned her, or at least I haven't mentioned her without a cuss or swear word followed after. God, my Nana was right, I really do have a potty mouth!

My card was rejected again, I guess the rents must have cleared the remainder of the check out of my bank account. I was almost about to tear this shy little blonde girl a new one , when Kaya appeared, handing a note over the counter and smiling like she had just won the lottery. 

There was a second that I had smiled to. My heart was beating so fast in my chest and relief was oozing out of me. Was I wrong, diary, that I could ever trust her? Was I wrong that we could ever return to the friends that we once were? 

I guess we would never be what we were, everything has changed. Hell, I had another set of fosters since then and I'd moved to the other side of town, but I doubted any of them had noticed. I doubted If I was ever a blip on their radar any more, now that I was living on the poor side of town in an apartment complex infested with rats, mice and other undesirables. 

Kaya had seemed surprised to see me. It was clear that she had never been back to the cafe since the accident. I had, I went there every day, if I could afford it or not. Hey, call me a masochist but I just wanted to sit in  the same table we once sat in, playing snippets of our conversations over in my head, reminiscing in our days. It was the only way I felt close to them any more. It was the only way I could be close to her. 

Sometimes, I'd imagine we were back there. That it was a Friday after school and Emer was already tearing into Brooke about that chocolate bar she ate at lunch , and Kaya was teasing Emily over her weekly crush. Her beau de jour, as Emer called them. 

Emer would be trading gossip with old Molly and I'd sip silently on a cup of hot chocolate that I hated but didn't have the guts to admit. This was it, this was our moment, our freedom. In times like these everything made sense, and that hole in my heart, the burning aching pit where my family should be was whole. 

I guess times truly had changed, and yet they felt the same. I joked with Kaya without any feelings of resentment. It was almost as if we were back in the old days. She'd been shocked when she found out about the memorial, but I guess she had a point. The last place Emer would have wanted to be remembered would have been in the school she hated. 

I found myself agreeing to go with her, I think I may have even been the one that brought it up. I think the memories must have clouded my judgment and I was running on previous bff Layla auto pilot or something.  She had raised her glass to me, complimenting my choice in drink. I hadn't really thought about, the words just seemed to roll of my tongue whilst I placed my order, see? Like i said, I was a masochist.

I placed my fountain pen down on my bed as I felt the vibrations, they shook my bookcase, rattling my only snow globe. I inhaled deeply. Dear, god, they were at it again!