High Anxiety - Dear Evan Hansen

The Amulet

The first chapter of my new Sorcerer AU serial oneshot book, Quia in Aeternum. Enjoy, and please go check out the book if you're interested.

"MOM!"

"Yes, Evan? What's wrong?" He was sitting on his bed in the center of his cluttered room. Clothes, bits of paper, random shards of jewelry, glass vials with unidentifiable liquid corked inside, a laptop and smartphone, and various heavy old books were strewn about. A half-dozen plant pots were upended, spilling glittering soil onto the shabby carpet and crushing their colorful contents. A large, black pot was thrown on its side just outside the closet. A nightstand lay toppled, the lamp that had rested on top of it dented and the bulb shattered. An acrid stench of tainted smoke wafted through the air. Faint shadows and spinning sparks dusted the corners of the room. Evan was clutching a long, polished walking stick in his trembling hands. Tears were spilling down his cheeks. He took a deep, shaking breath.

"So, so you know how Connor was supposed to come over today?"

"Yes, honey, I know."

"Well I was cleaning, because I don't--I don't want him to know about any of--any of this." Evan threw his arms out, gesturing to the entire room. "And then I realized that I lost my, my amulet? You know, the one that helps with my anxiety? So I started looking for it and, and it's not here anywhere and I don't know where it could've gone and I, I need it so I don't like, set things on fire and now everything's even more of a mess and I--" His voice broke and he bit his lip, fighting down a fresh wave of sobs.

"Hey, we can fix this. Everything's okay. You and Connor can just go out for ice cream like always, can't you?"

"Th-that's not the point! I can't do anything without the amulet! I'm going to--I'm going to f-freak out and mess up and he'll see and think I'm a freak or a monster and everything will be over and--" Evan fell silent as his eyes were drawn to the bedroom door as it creaked open further.

"Oh, um... Hi, Evan?"

"J-Jeremy..." Evan's stepbrother opened the door, ducking into the room and stopping short.

"Woah. What happened in here?" His eyes darted to Evan and Heidi, the former was still bordering on tears while his mother was stiff, her eyes wide. "Look, I-I know you don't like me coming in here, but I was really worried and stuff? I'm sorry, I can go, but um... Connor's here. He's waiting downstairs." Heidi stood with a sigh.

"Thank you, Jeremy. He'll be right down. Now, there's nothing to worry about, I promise. Why don't you go over to Michael's? I'm sure he'd love to see you." She guided him out by his shoulders, even though he was a head taller than her.

"R-right. Yeah, okay." Jeremy stumbled back into the hallway, not even able to turn back around before the door snapped shut. "Jeez... What was that?"

Evan could manage without the amulet, right? It's not like he'd had it forever. Still, he hadn't gone without it since middle school. He'd forgotten just how awful this knot in his chest was. Connor didn't say anything about the last-minute change to going out for their date, he just shrugged and pulled Evan out to his car. Evan sat, bouncing his leg and staring out the window, fingers kneading themselves into knots. The seatbelt was heavy across his chest. He hoped that was the reason he was having trouble breathing.

"You okay?" Connor glanced over between strands of his hair. His fingers were tapping on the steering wheel.

"N-no, not really?"

"Shit. What's wrong?" Connor kept his eyes on the road, but reached a hand out to Evan's shoulder. The contact made Evan's skin crawl and his stomach jump. He had to force himself not to zap Connor's hand off of him in his panic.

"Just, just my anxiety, I guess? It's really bad today, but I'm, I'm fine, I promise." Connor glanced over again.

"You don't sound fine. Or look fine. You're super pale. If you need to go back home, that's--"

"No! No, I... I know you were looking forward to this and I'm sorry, sorry that it got mixed up, it's all my fault. Just, just keep driving, please. I want to do this."

"Evan, you fucking idiot. You don't have to do anything for me. If you're not up for this, I'm taking you home."

"It's nothing, I just--" Evan swatted at the window next to him, where tiny vines had started to swirl. "I just sort of lost this thing and it's like--it's like a comfort object, I guess? It's really stupid, I know, but I've, I've gotten so used to having it and now I don't and I'm just trying to m-manage, I guess." Connor didn't respond. He only pulled his hand back and stuck it in his pocket. Evan couldn't see his face through the curtain of hair. "I'm sorry, it's really stupid and you think it's stupid and you hate me now or something and I--"

"Shut up and look at me." Connor pulled the car over and turned to Evan as much as he could with his seatbelt still buckled. "I don't hate you. I won't ever hate you. If you need something to cope, I can't judge. I get it. You don't need to apologize for anything, okay?" Evan sat, silent, pinching his fingers together to control the vines that he could feel building under his skin. "Okay?"

"I-Yeah, Okay. I'm sorry." Connor sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Look, you said you lost a thing?"

"Y-yeah."

"This look about right?" Connor pulled a necklace from his pocket and held it up in the light. A tiny tree charm glittered on the silver chain.

"Yes! That's it! Where did--where did you find it? How did you know? I love you so much right now!" Evan snatched the amulet from his boyfriend's fingers.

"Chill. It was like, right there. Shotgun. You must've left it here when I dropped you off last night. I didn't know what it was. I honestly thought it was some stupid trinket of Zoe's, but it looked like something you'd like. I don't know, I thought you might like it if I was all sappy and sentimental and shit and gave it to you as a present. Just... Never mind. It was stupid. You got it back. Are we done yet?" Evan's fingers fumbled on the clasp. As it connected around his neck, the world slowed down. The chaos in his head slowed - not to a stop, but to something he could deal with.

"Yeah, thanks." Evan reached over and grabbed Connor's hand, pulling him closer and pressing a short kiss to his knuckles. Connor blushed and yanked his arm away, but went back to ruffle Evan's hair before putting the car into drive and pulling them onto the road again.

"Right... So, we were going somewhere?"

"A date, yeah. If, if that's still okay. I know it's super different from what you planned at this point, but--"

"Evan, I don't give a shit about the plans. I like you and want to spend time with you. Isn't that the point of all this?" Evan smiled. No magic in the world could've made him this lucky. What did he do to deserve Connor Murphy?