Slang / jihan

03 - Rubatosis

Rubatosis
noun.

: the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat.

-

Joshua

It's crazy.

Talagang pinuntahan ako ni Jeonghan sa cafe kung saan ako nagt-trabaho but I can't help but admire him tho.

He's actually pretty smart. Asking me where I work and getting my number while we're having sex. Huh... I know. Its fcking unbelievable.

Nagkaroon lang kami ng isang gabi at akala ko doon na nagtapos yon.

But I was wrong.

"Shuaaa!"

I smiled and walked towards the pretty man standing in the lightpost. Tinawagan niya ako kanina na pumunta sa plaza para dito kami magkita. For a moment, hindi ko din siya kaagad nakilala dahil blonde na ang buhok niya.

'He looks like an angel.'

"Hi." I greeted and smiled a little.

We're just standing there. Looking at each other eyes, feeling the warmth feeling inside my chest and I can't help but laugh nervously.

"Err... saan mo pala gusto pumunta, Shua?" He asked.

I shrugged and looked at my wrist watch.

"It's 9: 45 pm... May mapupuntahan pa ba tayo ng ganitong oras?" I looked at him at based sa itsura niya nag-iisip pa lang siya kung saan kami pupunta.

"U-uhm... Ano kaya kung--" pinutol ko na ang sasabihin niya. He doesn't look forward about our meeting tonight huh... kaya mabuti na din kung diretsyuhin na lang siya.

"Jeonghan, let's just stop this." I straightforwardly said. I don't want to hurt his feelings pero ako ang mas masasaktan "kung" may balak pala siyang gawin namin ulit yon.

I'm not gay but... hinayaan ko kagabi na may mangyari sa amin even though we almost look like twins to everyone but of course I can't see or compared myself to him. Pareho lang kami ng kulay ng buhok but not our apperance and body. Magkaibang-magkaiba kami.

Nakatitig pero gulat na matang nakatingin sa akin si Jeonghan. It looks like he doesn't know what to say at this moment kaya ako na lang uli ang nagsalita.

"If this is about what happened last night kalimutan mo na yon. I don't know kung bakit gusto mo pang magkita tayo." I said. I don't want to be sound rude kaya pinipili ko talaga mga tamang salita kung ano sinasabi ko sa kanya.

Kanina sa cafe gusto ko din ito sabihin pero breaktime ko lang iyon at may trabaho pa ko. May 30 minutes break ako pero 15 minutes na lang natitira nung makita ko si Jeonghan.

And it wasn't a perfect timing na diretsyuhin na lang siya kaya nakaipag-usap lang ako sa kanya ng maayos. Like nothing happened between us.

"Tama ka... Bakit pa nga ba tayo magkikita, hindi ba?" he said quietly.

We remained quiet for a while. Parang walang gustong magsalita sa amin dalawa kaya mas lalong lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko sa dibdib habang nakatitig sa mga mata niya.

What am I actually feeling right now? Guilt? As if I say something wrong? Shame? Because maybe Jeonghan and I can be friends if that wasn't happened. And pain because... I can't stand staring at his eyes and showing me that it hurts, that I hurt him.

"I hate this feeling."

"Me too."

Wala sa sarili ko pa lang nasabi yung nasa isip ko kaya umiwas ako ng tingin.

**Thud, thud!

Is it me? Or parang naging slow motion ang paligid dahil sa paghakbang palapit sa akin ni Jeonghan? It's weird dahil ngayon parang gusto ko din humakbang palapit sa kanya but I stood still on the ground.

**Thud, thud! Thud, thud!

I clenched at my chest unconsciously. All the negative emotions building up inside of me vanished and replaced by unfamiliar feeling this time.

"Can you just-" before I can say na lumayo siya ng konti sa akin. He suddenly grabbed my jacket and pulled me closer to him. Natulala ako ng maramdaman ko ang labi niyang nakadikit sa akin. His lips doesn't move at talagang nakadikit lang sa labi ko.

"Sabihin mo na lang sa akin kung ayaw mo kong makita, Shua. Gusto ko lang naman mapalapit sayo." He whispered in my lips.

It's uncomfortable and I must admit that I'm really nervous or what!?

I don't know if he's planning to kiss me or not!

Dala na siguro ng frustration, pinikit ko ang mata ko at ako na ang humalik sa kanya ng madiin. Funny dahil kasabay ng paghalik ko ay pagpatay ng ilaw sa lightpost sa tabi namin.

I just can't resist.

I felt him gripped on my jacket tightly, moaned softly and so I kissed him gently this time. I placed my hands on his shoulder for a better angle, savoring his sweet lips.

Ridiculous.

Yet, here we go again. I am now, addicted to something that might ruin me. God knows, I'm having a heart attack by the thought of it while kissing Jeonghan passionately.