Struggle - A Destiel High School AU

Chapter Six

 The bell rings and Dean walks up to the door. It's a warm Thursday afternoon and Cas is coming over to work on an English assignment. They got paired up and Dean's very excited about it. He usually hates assignments, but this one is giving him the chance to spend more time with Cas.

The door swings open and Dean smiles the second he sees Cas. The bright sun is shining in Castiel's face, his hair looks messy and he's wearing a grey T-shirt. Dean lets him in and closes the door.  He realizes that his house looks like a hobbit's home compared to Castiel's giant mansion, but he couldn't care less about that.

Cas is just about to say something to Dean when a younger boy comes running off the stairs. "Hi. Castiel, right?" the boy says and Cas nods.

"That's Sammy, my little brother." Dean explains, but his brother immediately corrects him: "It's Sam. Sammy is a chubby 12-year old."

"Okay Sammy, we should get started on our project, there's some pizza in the fridge if you're hungry. Oh, and dad called today. He said he isn't going to be home for at least a week."

When Dean stops talking, Sam mumbles something and then walks into another room with a sad look on his face. Castiel wonders if their dad is often away from home, leaving the two brothers to take care of each other. He knows that Dean's mother died when he was younger, and he notices the way Dean worries about Sam. He would do anything for his brother. Cas always feels ignored in his family, like he doesn't matter.  As if nobody loves him, not even his own siblings. He has a good relationship with Gabriel, Samandriel and Balthazar. But none of those three care as much about Cas as he cares about them.

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The two boys sit on Dean's bed. His room is a bit messy, with band posters on the wall and stuff lying on the floor. Mixtapes and CD's are spread on the desk, so they couldn't work on there. They have been silent for ten minutes now. Dean types on his laptop while Cas fiddles with his T-shirt.

"Maybe we should get started." Cas says and Dean looks up as he speaks.

"Yeah. That story isn't going to write itself." Dean smiles.

"Um... What do you want to write about?"

"I don't know. I really suck at writing."

"You should read a book."

"Don't tell me what to do." Dean's now laughing, and so is Cas. They feel good when they're around each other, talking and making stupid comments. Castiel never really had a good friend, mainly because he's socially-awkward and his anxiety levels are off the charts whenever he has to talk to strangers. But Dean, the popular guy, who knows pretty much every person in the school, was lonely too. Until Cas came. When the weird Novak kid sat down next to him, Dean had a hard time keeping his eyes off him. He wanted to touch him the way he usually touched girls. But he also just wanted to talk to him. Both wishes were granted, and the boy's lips were as soothing as his words. It all seems so easy when the two guys are each other's company, but the reality behind their friendship is so painful and confusing. They search for each other's affection, yet Dean is dating Castiel's sister. They don't know what is actually going on between them. And it makes both of them feel miserable. Their love is unspoken and it hurts so much.

They're both over-thinking and silence has fallen for minutes when Dean suddenly says: "I'm going to break up with your sister. I'm lying to her and to myself."

Castiel doesn't say anything, he just stares into Dean's green eyes. Then he grabs the pen lying next to him and writes something on a piece of paper.

Struggle

by Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester

They have the assignment to write at least five-hundred words about anything. So Cas starts writing instead of talking, and it feels so much easier.

I build walls around myself, protecting me from both the good and bad things in life. When those walls got knocked down a few times by those who meant nothing but harm, I started building them even higher and steadier. But then  this one person found a secret entrance and sneaked in to break down the walls from the inside out. Now I feel what it's like without this protection around me. It's scary, confusing and horrible in some moments. But I've also never felt better.  I'm afraid that the person who knocked the walls down will regret their actions soon. I just realized I wrote an entire paragraph on walls. Apologies for being so pretentious.

And with that, he puts down his pen and looks up at Dean. He stared at Cas the entire time he was writing because he looks beautiful when  he's concentrated, carefully picking his words and scribbling his pen on the paper.

Cas hands the piece of paper over to Dean. "It's your turn."

"I can't-" Dean says, but he's reading the things Castiel wrote and his voice fades away.

"Cas." he takes a deep breath. Expressing feelings is something Dean really sucks at. It feels as if someone's holding his throat, trying to suffocate him to prevent the words from coming out of his mouth. "I think I'm in love with you."

It feels as if someone just punched Cas in him stomach. Dean's words echo in Castiel's head. The nausea is taking over and his breath fastens. Cas is close to having a panic attack. He had imagined this moment before, wishing it would never happen. Dean got too close. Of course Cas loves Dean back, but he can't say that.  He can't  love his sister's boyfriend, well, ex-boyfriend. Also, they could never love each other in public. They would both become the victim of bullying and judgment. Why is this world so horrible? Cas should've just ignored Dean Winchester the first day he met him. Castiel's eyes start to get teary when he thinks of the past few weeks. Every moment he spent with Dean was a good memory. But he can't say he loves him. It just doesn't work like that with Cas and his messed-up mind.

Dean regrets his words the second he sees the expression on Cas' face. He's panicking and his hands are shaking. So Dean grabs them. With soft movements he circles his fingers over the back of his hands. They're both fighting the tears that are burning in their eyes. Cas pulls back and stands up.

"I have to go." Castiel's voice trembles as he walks towards the door.

"Cas. I'm sorry. Please don't go." Dean is close to crying when Cas shuts the door behind him without saying a word.