Past Passages

Journal 6

     The day goes by seemingly normal. I don't talk to my new foster parents and they don't talk to me. Dinner is quiet and after I'm dismissed to my room which is fine with me. Just to piss Josiah off, I make sure my window is closed before I climb in bed to write in my journal, a hobby I picked up to keep myself sane jumping from home to home. It keeps me grounded to get lost in my writing.

     It's hours later, after David and Amy have gone to sleep, that I hear a knock at the window and I smile to myself. Looking up at the window, I see Josiah hanging by his arms on the wood rail above the window.

     "I told you to open the window, smart ass." he whispers though I can hear him just fine.

     Slowly, casually, I close my journal and set it down on my luggage which I hadn't bothered to unpacked. Something tells me I won't be sticking around here long. I stand and take my time walking over to the window. Watching Josiah hanging there muscles taunt, a curl of desire unfurls in my stomach, which I don't intend on acting on of course. I put a finger to my chin, pretending to debate with myself if I should let him in or not.

     "Open the damn window, Selene." Josiah's voice takes on a hard edge to it. If I didn't know any better I'd think he was getting mad.

     I raise an eyebrow at him, studying him.

     "If you don't open this window I'll break it." he says, "We'll have to tell John and Jane little Timmy across the street threw a baseball through it."

     I ignore his joke. "You wouldn't dare."

     Josiah puts his feet on the windowsill, in position to kick the glass if he wanted. "Try me."

     Sighing, I open the window. "What do you want, Josiah?" I ask as I turn my back on him, leaving him to pull himself him.

     He easily swings his booted feet in and manages to land as quiet as a mouse. "I wanna know when you're gonna stop playing games and pretending and just let this happen?"

     "This again?" I cross my arms and glare at him. "Really?"

     "Yes, really. Selene, you can't keep pretending there's nothing between us."

     "What if I don't want anything between us? Have you ever thought of that?"

     "I thought about," he admits, "and realized that's bullshit."

     I roll my eyes and move to sit on the bed. Josiah takes a seat next to me. We sit in silence for a moment before Josiah says, "You're still mad, aren't you."

     I laugh humorlessly. "What do you think?"

     "Shit, Selene! Don't be stupid! Let it go!" He's almost shouting now and undoubtably angry. "How many times do I have to tell you I did this to help you?"

     "If these 'secret missions' are so bad why didn't you leave too?" I shoot back.

     "Because I can't! If I leave the job will just go to someone else."

     "Aww, so you're just taking one for the team, then?" I say with false kindness, "You're a real role model, truly an inspiration. My hero. The modern day Jesus."

     "Hey," he cuts me off, "no one else would've been able to do this job. I'm trying to protect all of you."

     "You think I wouldn't have been able to do it, Josiah? Is that it? Don't forget I broke your kill streak. I was better than you. I probably would've done the job better that you ever could."

     "You broke the score you by two, Selene. And if you remember as well as you're saying, you'd remember it was nearly a tie. And my round only ended because the simulator malfunctioned, which means I would've won, and you know it."

     I grit my teeth together knowing he's right, but not wanting to admit it.

     I can see the moment Josiah realizes how much his words affected me. His eyes soften and his defensive demeanor leaves him. He places his hands on my shoulders and sighs. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm just tying to get you to understand how serious this actually is without giving you too much detail. The less you know about this the better."

     I don't respond. I just stare at him. This considerate and kind Josiah reminds me so much of the one I fell in love with back at the VHA. His eyebrows pulled with concern and worry, sea green eyes warm and comforting, and lips... so soft and full.

     Before I know it Josiah's lips are on mine and I'm responding immediately. My hands go into his hair to pull him closer. When his hand begins to pull the helm of my shirt up I stand and push him away quickly.

     "I told you I didn't want this." I told him.

     "You kissed back."

     "It just took me a moment to realize what was going on. I told you before that if I'd know I wasn't dreaming I wouldn't have let what happened, happen. And I know I'm not dreaming now."

     "Oh really?" Josiah says, standing now. "Is that so?"

     "Yes, it is." I say, glaring at him again. Then he starts walking slowly towards me, the predator catching his prey. My heart speeds up. "Josiah, what are you doing?"

     "Let's put what you said to the test." Is all he says.

     "Didn't I just prove that to you?" I say angrily, though I'm backing up away from him. I'm only stopped when the back of my legs hit my new dresser.

     "No, I mean really." He stops right in front of me. "If you're so sure you can say no then this won't be a problem for you."

     It takes me a moment to reply as I'm making sure my voice won't reveal anything when I do. "Fine." But my heart is still pumping erratically.

     "Good." he says, and picks me up and sets me down gently on the dresser. Stepping between my knees, he takes both my hands in one of his and lifts his shirt with the other. Purposely, letting my fingers  trail up his six pack, he places my hand on his chest, my right hand over his heart which is beating just as hard and fast as mine. I have to make a conscious move to keep from sucking in a breath. Josiah leans closer. Placing a hand at the small of my back he pulls me closer. My eyes lock on his and my breath holds. In them I see lust and another emotion I don't want to think about. Something gentle but sure. My eyes flicker to his lips, just an inch from my own. I swallow a lump in my throat. Then he kisses me again and I know I'm so close to failing this test.

     I pull back fast. "Stop, Josiah." And then I notice that at some point he'd gotten one hand under my shirt and over my still fast-beating heart. Fuck him.

     "You wanted to." Josiah says, smirking. "I can feel it, I could see it in your eyes that you wanted to. Desperately. You don't need to fight this anymore. Kiss me. Kiss me right now and we can forget everything. I'll leave the academy for good and start a new, human life. Just for you. I could take you in and we could life together. We won't ever have to talk about it or remember, we'll just be, Selene. I have more than enough money saved up to make it happen. There's nothing you'll want that I won't be able to give you. Just kiss me right now and I'll do."

     I don't move. I don't take my hands out from under his shirt, I don't get off the dresser, and I don't kiss him. Instead I say, "Get out."

     At first he doesn't move either, and just stares into my eyes with his patient and understanding green ones. I think he's gonna say something, but instead he lowers his head and gives me  the most scorching and passionate kiss I've ever gotten. One that makes me wish I had just kissed him. When he pulls back I almost cry.

     He says nothing as he turns to the window and leaves.