Medley

26: LOSE IT.

The room around me has started to spin. Just earlier he was apologizing for only giving me today and now he's saying he wants to see me again. I came here ready for a lot of possible outcomes, but not this one.

Tomorrow was never the plan.

I have to think very carefully what I'm going to say. He has messed with my feelings in a way that prevents me from thinking logically when I'm around him. I need to evaluate this when his cologne is not clouding my judgment.

'No strings attached' was a great concept for one day, or two. I don't know if I'll be able to carry on with it any longer. I know me and I know how much I like him already. This is too dangerous.

"Please, say something."

The sound of his voice brings me back to reality. I guess I was too caught up in my own thought process and I've been quiet for a little too long.

"I really like Rule 5." He exhales. I hadn't noticed he had been holding his breath all this time. "But... I don't know if I can comply."

His expression tenses instantly and I hate to do this to him, but he's acting on an impulse (like I know now he always does) and that leaves me as the one who has to do all the reasoning.

I could balance pros and cons all day, but the truth is: they don't matter. I knew I wanted to see him again before he even asked, but telling him that would mean letting my guard down too low. I can't become that vulnerable that easily, I could get hurt.

If he sees just how happy I am at the possibility of not having to say goodbye for good today, I'd be showing him he's got more power over me than he realizes.

But the real struggle for me is that although I can rationalize all of that and assess the risks and conclude that this is probably a really bad idea, I don't really care!

I want so much more from him that I'm willing to take my chances. What I need to do is remind myself at every step of what's to come not to have any expectations.

You can't be disappointed when you don't expect anything.

"It's a rule, you have to." Harry's tone is back to playful but I can read in the way he bites at the inside of his cheeks that he's only doing it to try to alleviate the tension. I know it because I do that too.

"But I'm a rebel. I break rules all the time." I play along to show him I'm not entirely rejecting his proposal.

"It's okay, we don't have to agree to anything right now." He kisses my hand and links his fingers with mine.

The tender kisses that follow cause my heart to shrink. I feel terrible for not being able to give the answer he was hoping for.

We've been so passionate since the first time we touched it's always felt like a thousand volts running through my body. But right now, he's calm and sweet, so sweet. I take this as his way of saying he can offer more than he has so far. Or so I want to believe.

The spell is broken when we're interrupted by his stomach growling. It makes us break a laugh and I become aware of how hungry I am too, we've just been too busy to notice.

"Rule 6: Don't skip meals." Harry says.

"Best rule so far. But I want to take a shower first." As much as I hate to leave the comfort of his arms I'm in desperate need of a shower after all the physical activity of the day.

I get out of bed but Harry doesn't move. He crosses his hands behind his head and his eyes follow me around the room as I make my way to the bathroom.

"I'm going to order room service. What would you like?" Harry yells from the bedroom as I look for a towel and get the water running.

"Anything with lots and lots of carbs." I shout in response and I can hear him laughing but being interrupted by the voice on the other side of the phone.

When the water warms up to my liking I step inside the shower. A million confusing thoughts seize my brain when I finally get a moment to myself. But right now is probably not the time to solve this dilemma.

Pieces of Atreyu's song Lose It come to rescue me from drowning under the running water.

Calm and patience, Emilia!

I'll take what I can get.

"Standing on the edge, battle in my head
I'm dying to know, I'm dying to know
If I take this leap, to fail or succeed
I'm dying to know, I'm dying to know

(...)

If I take this, this leap, will I be broken?
I'm dying to know"

"What do you think you're doing in here without me?" Sixty seconds in the shower and Harry is already getting in it behind me. "Come on, Emi! It's Rule 3! Remember?" He points at his palm pretending the rules are written there.

"I'm going to have to come up with my own set of rules. You shouldn't have all the authority." I cross my arms and pretend to be angry.

"No one said you're not allowed to add your own rules to the Rule Book."

"Oh, is there a book now?" Harry uncrosses my arms, spins me around and hugs me from behind placing us both under the water.

"So, what do you want your rules to be?"

Giving into this silly game of his, means agreeing to an extension of our time together. I have to be careful with what I say from now on and how I say it.

"Um, I probably should take my time to really think them through." I have no better way out of this.

"You take all the time you need."

His reply leads me to believe I actually made it worse.

Harry detects my cheerful mood fading and opts to resort to the one thing we do best together. Turning me around so that we're face to face again, he starts kissing my neck on one side and then the other, running the tip of his tongue up my chin until it finds its way inside my mouth.

It scares me how immediately I am burning for him.

His hands are getting antsy after a few minutes of resting on my waist and begin to slowly go lower and lower until they're shamelessly grabbing my behind.
Just to mess with him I could do something to force him to take his hands off, but I decide to take full advantage of the situation. I move my hands leisurely from his arms to his waist and do with him as he did with me. When both my hands are fully resting on his buttocks, Harry smiles into the kiss and that little window of opportunity for me to inhale allows me to get my shit together and react.

"Harry." He keeps kissing me, no answer. "Harry!"

"Hmm?" That's all I get in return. Since I'm talking, he's moved on to kissing my neck again.

"Harry, stop. We don't have time. Our food will be here at any minute now."

"Let them knock until they give up and leave." He only pauses for two seconds to say this and resumes his sweet torture.

"We're both starving. Please? Harry!" I scold.

"Fine! Only 'cause you said 'please'."

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LOSE IT - Atreyu.