Medley

54: IF YOU ASKED ME TO.

           

"Is this why you've been acting so damned mysterious all afternoon?" I question Harry after he orders me away.

"It's a surprise, so you can't be here when I open the door. Stop complaining and go upstairs. Go get ready, I don't want you down here for at least forty minutes. Go, go!"

"But Harry, if you don't tell me what we're doing or who's coming I don't know what I should wear!"

It's our last night together in two weeks, I really don't want to spend it with other people. But he won't tell me anything.

"How much did you manage to pack in one small suitcase anyway?"

"A lot. I'm always prepared for all occasions."

"Then just wear something nice, anything!"

"Very helpful, Styles."

"Just go upstairs, they'll be here any minute."

They?

"Fine!" I shuffle my feet all the way up the steps and he watches me amused by my uncharacteristic girly behavior.

Whatever he's planning to surprise me with could never be bigger than the surprise of him coming into my life.

This month has been like riding a roller coaster that only goes up, and up, and up. And I know that eventually it will have to come back down. But as scary as that is, I'm already on the ride. Can't get off now. I'll stay on it even if that means going so fast that my cart comes off the rails and I take the fall of my life.

Hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst has always been my philosophy.

While I take a long shower to make the time pass, I hear the doorbell ring only one time. Suspense is killing me. Letting the warm water calm me, I allow myself to have a little faith in the future, something I rarely do.

But I've come to realize that nothing I do lately is typical of me. Harry got me turned upside down and inside out. So much so that he has me considering moving with him to another continent after such a short time of knowing him.

Still, I'm starting to toy with that idea and discovering how simple it would be for him to convince me of anything. I want it all with him.

Patti LaBelle sings to me while I daydream in the shower.

"Used to be that I believed in something
Used to be that I believed in love
It's been a long time
Since I've had that feeling
I could love someone
I could trust someone

I said I'd never let nobody
Near my heart again, darling
I said I'd never let nobody in

If you asked me to
I just might change my mind
And let you in my life forever

If you asked me to
I just might give my heart
And stay here in your arms forever
If you asked me to

So now ever since I've been around you
Can't go back to being on my own
Can't help feeling, darling
Since I've found you
That I've found my home
That I'm finally home

I said I'd never let nobody
Get too close to me, darling
I said I needed, needed to be free

(...)

If you asked me to, I would give my world

(...)

Ask me to and I would do anything for you, baby

(...)

I'll put you in my life forever

(...)

If you want it, I could give you my heart
If you asked me to

(...)

I'll do anything that you want me to do
Just ask me
All you gotta do is ask me to
If you asked me to, I'll give my life"

Wrapped in a towel, I look under the sink for a hair dryer and proceed to attempt to do something nice with my hair. Then dig into my suitcase to find the emergency outfit I always pack for unexpected situations like this. Even though I don't know what is waiting for me downstairs, I'm certain I don't want to face it in jeans and a t-shirt.

I slip into my navy-blue lace emergency cocktail dress and open-toe black emergency high heels, and for the first time since I've been with Harry I decide to make an effort with makeup and go a little beyond what I normally do without going overboard, spray some perfume on and I'm ready.

When checking my makeup one last time in the mirror I freeze at the sight of my mother staring back at me.

Despite denying it to Harry a little while ago, I look so much like her when I dress up! She was always so put together, so elegant, so pretty.

Unfortunately, I don't think I could ever be like her in that aspect, I don't have the patience or the willingness to dedicate myself to looking like royalty every minute of the day. Not that doing so would even get me close to being as beautiful as she was!

But still, my reflection reminds me a lot of her. I have her cheeks, her nose, her chin. Makes me wonder if this is what my father sees all the time and that's one of the reasons he can't look at me.

Getting emotional right now would only mess up my makeup, so I free myself from these thoughts and replace them with happy ones. Like how excited my mom would be to meet someone like Harry, they both have that pure goodness in their hearts that changes everyone around them. I'm convinced they would get along so well if she was here! 

I take a look around the bedroom before picking up my phone to check on Harry. The modern-style decor of the space is a lot like him: classy, sophisticated, grand. But it lacks that warmth, that feeling of home I get when I'm in his embrace.

There's two sides of him and this house only reflects one. Makes me wonder what the house in London looks like since he assured me I'd like it a lot more. I hope it combines the two Harrys in a way that it feels like home just like his arms do.

He's absolutely right. We need a place unpolluted of ghosts from our past.

As far as I know, in this bed I'm sitting on he's slept with at least one other woman. My apartment has echoes of Caleb's voice on every corner. Although Harry knows that Caleb and I never lived together, he did spend many nights there in the course of three years and the place does have memories of him everywhere.

I want a room that has Harry's and my things on it, and fight over who gets which parts of the closet, or who sleeps on what side of the bed. I want a floor that only knows of his and my footprints, I want a kitchen that's only tasted my cooking and walls that have never contained inside a love bigger than ours.

EMI: Ready here. Am I allowed to come down?

HARRY: After you count to one hundred.

EMI: [rolling eyes emoji]

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IF YOU ASKED ME TO - Patti LaBelle.