Archives

June 2019

I was only slightly concerned when my period was late. It was never very consistent, and I was thankful that it wasn't there the day of the of the award show. Although the extreme stabbing pains were a clear indication that I might not get so lucky.

I popped some Midol and pushed through sound check, hair, makeup, and wardrobe like a champ. Even though Ryan could tell something was wrong he didn't want to push, he was lucky rehearsals had been peaceful so far. He had kept his distance during the day. He was lucky enough that I hadn't flat out refused to do the show, and he knew the red carpet and actual show were always overwhelming to me.

"You okay?"

The car ride to the arena had been silent until that moment but Ryan felt like he needed to check before we were forced out in front of everybody. Pretending to be okay and happy while everyone watched and judged.

"Yeah, just some cramps. I'll be fine...you ready?"

"I was born ready," he smirked as he slipped his sunglasses on before the car door opened.

I couldn't help but smile as he stepped out of the car and grabbed my hand to help me out. That was his line, and it was true. Ryan was born to perform and be there on the stage. It was like he became an entirely different person; I wasn't sure which one I was in love with more.

As soon as we stepped out of the car it was show time. The pain reliever I had taken had only slightly lessened the stabbing pain in my pelvic area. I just had to grin and bear it through the red carpet.

Ryan and I put on brave faces as they awkwardly skirted around the never-ending questions about the breakup and how it would affect the music. The assistant the management team had sent with us quickly rushed us through the interviews and into the arena to our seats.

Ryan had gone to the bar to get us drinks once we were situated. I knew he was trying his best to make peace, and I was making things extremely difficult but all I was concerned about at the moment was how I was going to get through the performance without barfing, never mind if we actually had to go up and accept any of the awards we were nominated for.

"I got you some water... I know you don't like drink when you're on your...ya know."

"Yeah, Thanks. Waters perfect."

"Ol, I really don't wanna be an ass but are you sure you're okay? Ya look a little pale, and clammy."

"I'm fine, it's probably just the flu."

"It's June."

"Ryan. I'm fine," I snapped, ready to end the conversation.

I felt lightheaded and the show passed by me in a blur. It all slurred together, and I clung to Ryan when we went up to accept the awards we had won. I let Ryan do the talking, that wasn't to out of the ordinary, but I could tell Ryan was still growing concerned each time he caught sight of me out of the corner of his eye.

Ryan could tell from the watery eyes after my last trip to the bathroom I had thrown up. If I'm being completely honest, I was trying to calculate the last time we had sex to figure out if I was pregnant or actually sick.

"You gonna be okay to perform?" Ryan asked as he watched me swish around mouthwash in our dressing room.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. It's the last one anyway, let's make it count."

I put my, in ears in and followed one of the staging assistants out with Ryan following right behind me. I made my way to the small circular stage right in front of the main one, where Ryan and the band were situated. I took a deep breath and finally sang the words I had recently written out loud.

"Just give me a sign,
Or a rhyme,
Or a reason.
Just something that I can believe in."

The lights finally illuminated the stage as Ryan's voice joined mine.

"I could use a love song
That takes me back, just like that
When it comes on
To a time when I wouldn't roll my eyes
At a guy and a girl
Who make it work in a world
That for me so far just seems to go so wrong
Yeah I could use, I could use a love song"

I grabbed the mic and made my way over to Ryan and the main stage as the music transitioned into "Seeing Blind." It felt right to go back to the beginning for us. I pushed through the second song, I was surely going to be sick and as soon as the chords died out, I knew I had enough time to go backstage and get myself together until I came in on the next song.

I knew Ryan would put on a good enough show to distract the crowd from noticing I was gone. I went backstage and threw up in the first trash can I found. Not my best move, but it was either that or the young stagehand. I smiled weakly and accepted the water bottle offered to me. I quickly rinsed my mouth and took a quick drink before joining into the song. 'Craving You' was our last single, and the fastest one to hit the top of the charts. It was up tempo and personally one of my favorites we've written.

I couldn't deny I was going to miss being onstage with Ryan. His energy was contagious, and I couldn't help but push through with the song. As soon as final notes faded out Ryan grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. We took our final bow and headed towards backstage as the lights dimmed.

My vision got blurry, and there was a ringing in my ears. I felt the blood starting to drip down my leg. Everyone was so loud, but I couldn't actually hear what anybody was saying. I barely registered my own voice as I called out for Ryan. And he was lucky enough he turned around right in time to stop my head from hitting the floor.