The Stories of My Apologies

Never Be over You

I try to convince myself 

I am over you.

If I see you again 

after we graduated

I will try to convince myself 

that I have moved on 

even though there are avalanches 

in my heart 

and tidal waves 

hiding behind my eyelids.

My teachers always 

told me that nature 

was a destructive force 

but I was never told human nature 

caused the worst destruction of all.

My mother asked about you 

the other day. 

She asked 

if you were doing well 

and I answered ‘fine’,

but little did she know 

that we haven’t talked in two weeks

and you ignore me 

for your own pleasure.

I didn’t tell her 

that my hair stood on end 

and my blood stopped 

rushing through my veins.

I didn’t tell her 

that I closed my eyes 

and my eyelashes 

tangled together 

because they were shut 

so tight to stop 

the tears about 

to spill over my eyelids. 

The knots in my eyelashes 

transferred to knots 

in my stomach and for a second 

I couldn’t breathe.

I responded, ‘fine’ again 

and excused myself.

We could power 

Los Angeles 

with the electricity 

that is between us. 

But my mother told me 

to not play with electricity 

because it could short circuit 

and hurt me.

I’m not 

the first thing on your mind 

in the morning,

but I wish I was 

the coffee mug 

that kissed your lips 

the minute you wake up,

or the sunshine 

that viewed your face 

that woke you 

from a peaceful slumber.

I am none of those things. 

Instead, 

I am that lonesome 

book on your nightstand 

that you view every night 

but don’t bother picking it up 

and reading it again.

I am the rain 

that taps on your window

but you close the blinds 

because you’re so bored 

of listening to it for 3 nights in a row.

I am the blanket 

that envelops you in safety 

and warmth, 

but the object you push off 

your body 

because you crave the crisp night air.

I could’ve been 

the love of your life 

but you never even saw me.

You are everything 

I want 

but nothing I can have.

I see you in everything I do. 

In the lenses of my glasses 

to the smell in the air, 

you surround me on all four sides, 

but you broke my corners 

and now I’m in pieces again.