The Stories of My Apologies

Lost My Life

“you are 

everyone’s favorite poem


you have been hidden 

in the crevices of my words 

since the first time we’ve spoken


No one knows

Who the poem

Is about

They just love 

The poem itself

They say

I told stories

With each stanza

They always wondered

“Who are they about?”

But they never asked

They just wanted

To read our adventures

I hear you in 

my mispronunciations


and I hope you are 

not laughing at me


when I stumble over words 

I have not yet learned


you are the love song 

I never got over


the only person 

I have ever cared about

still forgot 

what walking feels like


when I lay awake in my bed


I have long forgotten your voice


I have tried to convince 

myself that 

you were more narcissistic than me


I am trying to convince myself


I shouldn’t have thought 

of if as a competition


I always lost 

because I cared more


you are the neck

I break 

in my nightmares


fearing my own hands


you were the only person 

who has ever taught me


I am not my mistakes


you are the 

biggest chapter of my book


I have never made room 

for anyone


before you


or after you


I do not know 

how to create space 

in my empty


you are the wind 

knocked out of me


I never meant to stop loving you


I never thought it was possible


I’m sorry 

I did not believe 

in my own evolution


you are still in 

every one of my nightmares


but you are not always 

the one who saves me


Sometimes,

You are the one

To pull the trigger

you were stupid enough 

to become friends with a poet


I have heard writers 

do not have to 

experience anything past twenty


because we already 

have enough to write


for ages with minds 

and hands


that string déjà vu together


maybe this is why 

it went wrong


I tried to write you into 

what I needed


into the daydreams 

During class

That make me

fail assignments over


And over

but my mind is not a notebook


you once said 

I would be the one to hurt you


and I said


no


not possible

I am so


sorry

Because I know

That I can be wrong

In a lot of things

But I would have bet my life

On the fact that

I would never hurt you

But I did

And so

That’s how I lost my life