Over the days that followed, Lou became increasingly absent from the fairgrounds, spending more and more time laid out unconscious across his tiny bed in the caravan. Despite our repeated pleas for him to stop shooting up, neither Birdie nor I could do or say anything that would prevent the same wearying discovery of his blissfully unconscious form upon our return home. To escape the heartbreaking sight I often found myself avoiding heading back to the trailer park after work for as long as possible, waiting instead on the carousel roof for 2D to return from town. Some nights he still would have a gorgeous girl at side, but increasingly he came back alone and we would sit together up on the rooftop until the early hours of the morning.
Between late nights talking with 2D, returning to my bed across from a dreamily high Lou, and tiring repetitive conversations begging my brother to become clean, I soon developed dark bruises beneath my eyes that mirrored the both of them. An increasingly exhausted Birdie sneakily replaced Lou on many of his shifts, moving back and forth between filling in for her wayward boyfriend and her post inside the information booth repeatedly over the course of the day so as not to raise Mr Pot's suspicion.
It was a tightrope juggling act, everything hanging so tenuously in the balance that one false move could have all of us tumbling into the abyss below.
As I packed up the Quick-Shot Clown Pop for the day I caught sight of Birdie from across the grass walkway, her usually light and graceful footfalls reduced to a clumsy gait as she climbed down from The Switchback control panel. With a warm smile of thanks to the portly ticket collection boy, she passed him a ten pound note for his cooperation before moving briskly away towards the entry gate and it's currently unmanned information desk.
"Birdie!" I called out to her, gaining a weak smile in return as she obligingly approached, "You look exhausted."
"I am, all this rushing to and fro is starting to drain me," she replied, running a hand down the side of her face with a yawn.
A twinge of guilt itched the back of my neck, and I busied myself with unhooking the rest of the prize toys as I responded, "I want to say you deserve better than this, but I think I'm too scared you'll wise up and leave me."
Birdie laughed mirthlessly, a shocking and unnatural sound in comparison to her usual carefree giggle. I flinched back from the coldness in her expression, and immediately her doe-eyed gaze softened, filling with tears.
"I'm so sorry Slo," she whispered, reaching out to tuck a ragged lock of hair behind my ear, "You know I love you, but it's just been so hard lately. Between Grandma getting sick and now Lou... I don't know what to do."
We looked at each other for a moment with absolutely nothing to say, as the futility of it all sat like a slowly expanding distance between us. I wanted to take a hold of her, vicelike, and never let the girl go. I wanted to stand on tippy toes to kiss the crown of her head like she always did mine and promise everything would be alright. I wanted these things so desperately and yet found myself incapable of doing anything except murmuring into the mounting silence.
"I don't know what to do either."
A pitiful phrase, a waste of words, yet Birdie knew me too well to take offence; instead she took me by the hands and squeezed them in her own, lips rolled into a thin sad line.
"I'm not going anywhere," she promised, giving my hands one last comforting squeeze before releasing me and turning away.
As she set off once more towards the info kiosk, I called out to her.
VOUS LISEZ
The Trapeze Swinger
Fanfiction"Him. 2D. I could see him even now, his goofy grin while holding the water gun like a hunting rifle, lining me down the sight. His hands ruffling my hair, one eye closed in a squint as if sizing me up, as if looking into the sun." The year is 2003...
