Blurred Lines

Me, myself and my thoughts

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It's over. Three years of love, hate, spite, anger, friendship, romance, passion and betrayal is over and I don't know what to do myself. It's over. I'm no longer Jerome's girlfriend. He's no longer my man and I don't know how to function. For instance, how does one tackle the task of being single?

I hadn't anticipated the emptiness I was feeling. I didn't expect the tears that were streaming down my face as I left Trey's car. I didn't realise how dependent on Jerome I was until it dawned on me that he was no longer my boyfriend. A part of me hated him, I hated him for allowing our relationship to go down the drain, I hated him for constantly cheating on me, I hated him for sucking the life out of me but most of all I hated him for not loving me the way I loved him. A part of me was relieved, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder and I could finally blossom into the woman I am supposed to be. But a huge part of me hated myself. I hated the person I had become. I didn't recognise myself. The lifeless girl in the mirror was foreign to me. When did my smile disappear? When did my light dim? When did life evaporate from me? Why had I allowed it to get this bad? Why did I allow one boy to be the centre of my world? Why did I give him the power to destroy me? I had given my all to someone who wouldn't do the same for me and I was tired. I didn't know who I hated more. Him or myself.
*
1 week later

I had been crying. An action that wasn't foreign to me anymore. All I knew was tears and my bed. It had become a routine. I would wake up and cry and then go back to sleep. It was doing wonders for me, I was finally getting my 8 hours sleep, but sleep couldn't erase the consistent feeling of exhaustion. Never have I been so tired and well rested at the same time. I didn't realise heartbreak could do this to you, I didn't realise I would feel like dying. This had become my life. I was convinced I was going to die of heartbreak and no one could tell me otherwise.

It was a normal day. Maybe a Tuesday. Or a Thursday. I didn't know anymore. I had lost track of time, I didn't know if the month was over yet. But I was slowly starting to get restless. I was deeping life. Another thing I hadn't experienced. Finally being alone with your thoughts. Like proper being alone with your thoughts. It's mad how the mind works. It's mad that the way you think can impact your life severely, how can your own mind be the key to happiness, how can the way you think be the difference between being happy and severely depressed. As I was saying I was deeping life when I had an epiphany. This isn't my destiny. I cannot do this for the rest of my life. I am way too peng for a life of tears and sorrow. I cannot spend my life crying over one boy, concealer cannot reverse the deep eye bags the tears would cause. Crying will not increase my bank statement. Crying is not going to make me happy. Crying is certainly not going to bring him back.

As I was thinking, my bedroom door swung open and there stood my mum with a broom in her hand and a look of determination on her face.

"Get up johhh! What kind of rubbish?" She said as she took a look at my bedroom which resembled a dump site. Her face softened as she saw my tear stained face. "All this over a boy. You know you can't come and die. You're not the only one who has been heartbroken before. It may not even be your last time but try and smile ehh. This pain will not last forever okay. You are a beautiful girl. You can't come and die over a stupid chewing gum boy."

I sighed and nodded my head. I just wanted her out my room so I could get myself together. "Anyways I thought that maybe a job will help take your mind of it. And you know that my friend Aunty Afua, well she said she needed a temporary assistant so I thought you can go and help out. Do something with your life."

And although I had no interest in working at my Aunty's law firm, my mother had come just in time. She had come just in time, exactly when I needed something, anything to take my mind off things.
**
As I slide through the closing doors of the train, I decided to switch on my phone. It had been off for a long time and collecting dust by my window sill. I didn't want to think or feel. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to wallow in self pity and the what ifs. But I needed to get a secure grip. I could pretend to live in my bubble all I want, but I couldn't hide from reality.

As my phone came to life and the Apple logo came into view, I was dreading the messages that would come through. Before I could even type in my passcode my phone was vibrating as numerous WhatsApp and Instagram notifications began to fill my screen. I groaned as the first message was from some random girl in my biology class asking if the rumours were true.

I sighed and sipped my drink. Way to start a long day.