I'm Lost Without Your Love (Trixya)

Chapter 30- Considering Rehab

(Trixie's POV)

It was the next day and for once I was actually relieved that Brian was home, safe and sound where he belongs only I'm heartbroken from yesterday.

The harsh reality of what has happened over the last month is still unknown to me; what Brian has really been through will forever be a mystery to me.

Today is a quiet day and I decided to leave Brian in bed to get some rest because I know he needs as much rest as he possibly can.

I know he hasn't stopped traveling this last month but the reality of where he has been; its like trying to get blood out of a stone.

There is no way of knowing what Brian has truly been through this last month but all I can do now is support and comfort Brian the way he knows and loves.

I need to make sure that Brian doesn't relapse again; the harsh truth now is that I'm considering rehab for him.

I can't keep him safe forever and if he's in rehab; at least it will give me a piece of mind that he's in an environment where I know he can't harm himself or certainly not relapse.

I'd visit him everyday just so he knows that I'm there for him even if I'm not with him 24/7.

But I have a problem; I don't want to discuss rehab with Brian; the second that word comes out of my mouth will be the moment where he will be triggered and then anything can happen.

I've just got to be careful with him and think before I open my mouth because if I do trigger him, something really bad could happen him and I don't want that when I'm only trying to take care of him.

I had just made a sandwich, some soup and a cup of tea for Brian; I don't even know the last time Brian actually ate and I don't think I want to know.

He doesn't seem to have lost any weight but I haven't fully seen him yet and I'm actually quite scared to be honest.

I walked upstairs to our shared bedroom to hopefully see Brian in our bedroom all snuggled up.

"Brian, I have food baby" I said walking into our shared bedroom only Brian wasn't in bed; oh god where is he.

"Brian baby" I called placing the tray upon the cupboard, searching for Brian.

I walked over to our closet and didn't see him in there; he must be in the bathroom, hopefully just having a piss.

"Brian" I knocked upon the bathroom door "go away, I don't want to talk to anyone" Brian sighed "please Brian" I begged.

"Do what you like, I don't care anymore" he said I sighed; I could feel his heart breaking every fucking second.

"Babe..." I said entering the bathroom only I choked upon my words at the sight that was currently in front of me.

Half of his clothes upon the floor, the substances upon the bathroom top and the most shocking thing of all...the used needle.

I was infuriated with him that he things its acceptable to do heroine within our home but...my heart wouldn't allow me to be angry at him because there's more serious matters at hand.

"Oh Brian love" I sighed and sat upon the edge of the bathtub next to the toilet seat he was sat on.

"Please don't hate me" Brian sighed looking down at his feet "baby of course I'm not going to hate you" I sighed.

"Why can't you just tell me the truth" he sighed "tell you the truth...what do you mean" I asked "just tell me that you hate me and want me to leave because you hate your drug addict boyfriend" Brian sighed; ouch that fucking hurt my heart.

"Oh baby, I don't hate you" I sighed and wrapped my arms around him "but you do hate me; I've relapsed again" he sighed "baby no matter what happens; I'm never going to give up on you and I'll certainly never hate you" I sighed.

"Baby listen, no matter what; I'll always be here for you" I said and kissed his forehead gently "I'm sorry for having a fix in our en suite; I know its unacceptable of me but please forgive me" Brian sighed looking up to me.

"Of course I forgive you baby; has your high calmed down" I asked "yeah, now I just want to go bed" he sighed "come on baby; I have some food for you" I said; Brian smiled up at me and he allowed me to lift him up and walk him to bed.

Brian got into bed whilst I got the food tray and sat upon the bed next to him.

"Do you want some soup baby" I asked "just a little bit" Brian sighed I nodded and started to feed him the soup; he accepted the soup and quietly ate it.

My heart was aching at the thought of Brian continuing to abuse drugs; I'm so confused at the moment.

Is rehab even the best thing for him or is it to stay here with me where I know he belongs.

"I think I need to puke" Brian said and ran to the bathroom where I heard him puke; I followed him into the bathroom and started rubbing his back to make sure he was getting up all the puke.

"I'm so sorry baby" Brian sighed limping back to bed "its okay baby; I'm here" I said following him back to bed where he snuggled beneath the duvet cover.

"Do you want your sandwich" I asked "maybe in a bit" Brian sighed I sighed and placed the tray back upon the cupboard and returned to bed.

There wasn't much that was said between us; honestly I don't think any of us know what to say, I just want Brian to sleep.

The fact that I've caught him relapsing just makes my heart ache; I don't want this for Brian but I think rehab is really the only thing that can save Brian.

I can only save Brian for a certain time before I will just break because I'll be exhausted mentally and physically.

I don't want to sound selfish but I can only stay sane for a certain amount of time before I break.

I just want Brian to be okay but I am really considering rehab; its just whether I should tell him my plans or not.

"Brian baby" Brian knocked me back into reality "yeah baby" I asked looking down at him "please will you rub my stomach so I can sleep away my pain" Brian sighed.

"Of course baby" I said and wrapped my arms around him and started rubbing his stomach softly.

My heart was aching but at the moment; I just hope for Brian's sake that he will sleep away his pain and he'll awake up in a better mood.

Brian soon fell into a deep sleep and I couldn't help but let my tears escape at the thought of his pain and suffering through his bad habits.

A/N Sorry this is a sucky chapter;  I haven't been too good lately but I hope this was okay.