Newt Imagines

Confessions P3 - "Unfair"

Y/N's POV

I've been avoiding Newt ever since the bonfire last week, but my mind is still plagued by thoughts of him. How can it be fair, that the one boy here that I care about more than anyone, is the one that has fallen into their trap? It is a cruel trick the creators are playing, to put me in here alone. They placed me here, where I would inevitably fall in love with him, in such a situation that meant he could never return my feelings. How can it be fair, for me to be trapped, knowing I can never accept his confession?

And for him to make such a claim, that is unfair also. He can't know he loves me, can he? Does his broken memory allow for him to know romantic love from the love one would feel for a friend? Of course not. Not like he says he does, anyway.

Then how could he sound so sure? Is he just competing against the other gladers, trying for bragging rights? No, Newt's not like that. He's the sweetest boy here. So what is it then? The only real explanation I can conjure is that he genuinely thinks that he is in love with me. And that is the worst explanation of all, the most unfair thought. How can it be fair, to let him think he loves me, with no real validation for it? How could it be fair, for me to accept his confession as absolute gospel? How can it be fair, for me to step into his open arms, only to watch him realize the second he meets another girl that it was all a lie? How can it be fair, to set up such a sweet boy in a situation that undoubtedly end in him breaking my heart? To be brokenhearted is one thing, but to be the powerless cause of another's broken heart is worse. How can it be fair, that I set him on that path?

It can't be fair.

"Y/N!"

The sound of my name drags me out of my pitiful thoughts, and back to reality. I look up from my kneeling position in the depths of the deadheads, to see Zart walking towards me.

"That fertilizer is certainly taking a long time to be dug up," he announces, raising his eyebrow at my empty bucket. "Hurry up, those tomatoes won't plant themselves!"

All I can do is nod, trying to muster up enough energy to create an excuse. A stutter is all that comes out, earning an eye-roll from Zart, before he turns to walk back to the gardens. Every day since the bonfire, I have volunteered to collect the fertilizer for the garden. In the deadheads, I have room to think. Away from the noise and commotion of the glade, away from the eyes of the gladers, and most importantly away from Newt. But as much as I love the secluded shadows of the deadheads, I know I can't stay here.

After filling my bucket with fertilizer, I begrudgingly make my way back to the gardens, my head down in order to avoid making eye contact. I kneel in my section of the garden, allowing my hands to work automatically to sow the seeds, whilst my mind battles against the distraction I know works in the plot behind me. I can feel his gaze burning into the back of my head, increasing the temptation to turn around and look at him.

Only a week ago, I wouldn't have hesitated. I would've turned around happily, meeting the shining eyes and polite smile of the boy I adored. Laughing as his gorgeous frown spreads across his face, brought on by Zart's bossy orders to get back to work. Some days, when I finished early, I'd even cross to his plot to help him finish sowing his seeds, or weeding his patch. He was always much slower than me, as if he was constantly distracted by something. According to what he told me at the bonfire last week, that something was me, working in the plot in front of him. I blush, smiling at the thought of Newt secretly watching me, adoring my actions as I adored his.

These memories are enough to spark curiosity in me, and I turn around to see his face once again. As I had felt, he is staring straight back at me; a handful of tomato seeds in a pot by his knee, none of which had made it into the soil yet. He smiles gently at me, a peaceful gesture, showing that he still wants to be my friend. I almost smile back, until I look into his eyes.