Love on the Scale

Chapter Thirty-Seven

There were a couple hours till midnight, and I could hear Mel trying to tell Neil visiting hours were over. He wasn't having any of it. I heard her laugh before granting him twenty minutes; she loved to tease people. I wished she'd been serious; I was in no way looking forward to the encounter.

I still found myself arranging myself in the bed, by habit. I moved hair from my face, and pulled the sheets higher up on my body, before the door swung open. Inside I fought with myself. I shouldn't have cared how he saw me; I was no longer his girlfriend, so he could think what he wanted. I didn't care.

The moment he stepped into the room, I called my own bluff. My heart went out for him, almost jumping from my chest to reach him. He looked terrible. Brown hair mussed, dark shadows under his bloodshot, blue eyes, clothes in disarray... I'd never seen him look anything less than perfect, and I wanted to hold him and make him smile again. He didn't approach me, but stayed pressed to the door like he thought I'd kick him out. Maybe I would have, if he didn't look so bad.

"When was the last time you got some sleep?"

He couldn't maintain eye contact with me, so his eyes stayed fixed somewhere on the bed. "That's not important."

"How are you supposed to work when you're exhausted?"

"I haven't been working. Took the week off. Lilian didn't stop me; ever since Macyn came clean she's been snapping less. I think she feels bad about how she treated..." he stopped, and closed his eyes. "Why aren't you kicking me out? Yelling at me? Why are you acting like you aren't angry?"

"Because I'm not angry."

He met my eyes for the first time. The regret and guilt, fear, was plain there on his face. "Christelle I know what you saw. But I would never cheat on you. I told you I-"

"Yeah, I remember. Look, it doesn't matter anymore-"

"It does matter! Baby I didn't kiss her, she kissed me. And it lasted one second before I pushed her off. Macyn planned it; that's how she was able to get pictures before it was over."

He was pleading with me, and I believed him. I believed that Macyn was behind it, I believed that he'd pushed her off. "I believe you."

He stepped towards me, but I held up a shaking hand. "I believe you, but I can't date you anymore."

The hum of the machine I was hooked to remained the singular source of sound for a long minute. Neil looked, for lack of a better word, stunned. I was just as surprised I'd been able to say it. But I meant it.

"I'm not... in control when I'm with you. I feel safe, but I'm always worried that I'm going to do something that pushes you away. I'm only eighteen; I don't know who I am right now, and it's not fair to you-"

"Don't decide what's fair to me, Chris. I can make my own decisions."

My hand lowered to my lap, and I tried to keep a straight, calm face. "Well so can I. You have no idea what it felt like, when I thought you'd moved on to someone else. That just... it..." I sniffed, rolled my eyes up towards the ceiling. "It set me off. I felt like a hole ripped through my chest, and I just didn't know what to do. I don't want to be dependent on you to make me feel like I'm worth something. Because when you get bored of me, and you will, I'll end up right back here, and you'll find yourself someone else with no trouble."

He came closer and reached for me. I leaned away, the tears flowing free. "Don't touch me! Don't you get it? I want you to leave! We're done, okay? Just... Please..." No more words would come out, and so I didn't try. I'd said enough.

Neil pulled his hands back, and his face blocked itself off. He put walls up to mask his hurt, his pain, but I couldn't. I let him see how broken I was, I didn't stop the tears. He backed up a few steps, and nodded to himself. "If that's what you want, then I'll leave you alone. But I hope..." His composure faltered for the briefest of moments before he finished fast.

"I hope we can at least keep in touch. Give me a call sometime..."

He backed away one step at a time, the silence awkward between us. He reached the door and opened it, standing there for another minute. "I meant every word I said at my apartment that night. I do love you, Christelle. I hope you stay happy, whatever you end up doing."

He left me with those words, and they bounced around in my head for a long while after. There was no stemming the flow from my eyes, and it felt like I'd lost him all over again. Because I had.

"Neil?" I called with a quiet voice to the empty room.

"I love you too..."