the bolder thing to do 》 gawsten

prelude

awsten never understood why he pined over his boy the way he did. on the surface they were polar opposites - awsten wore his hair in a million shades, dressed in bright colors, a pencil always tucked behind his ear. he loved sunny autumn days and acoustic albums. he'd spend his entire life hidden away in his studio with a paintbrush pressed against the canvas if he could help it.

geoff was none of that - if awsten was a brisk autumn day, geoff was a hot summer night. he liked watching the stars, kept his dark mocha brown hair in his face to hide his eyes. he wore ripped jeans and a ring in his nose, only bothering to smudge some eyeliner beneath his eyes when he could find a reason to get himself out of his room. he listened to cassettes by bands nobody had ever heard of before.

they were opposites.

awsten could fake a smile, stifle a laugh. though it wasn't always easy, he could do it - save his explosive episodes for the quiet of his studio. he wore his heart on a canvas, if you will.

geoff couldn't mask his hurt, couldn't force himself out of his shyness and insecurities, and instead buried himself in them. he was sensitive.

digging beyond the surface - that was where their hearts seemed to align.

they were creatives, boys who had seen both the gems and the horrors of the modern world. awsten chose to sketch out his thoughts while geoff preferred writing them out, but both results could be eerily similar. it was as if geoff wrote the sounds awsten put onto paper.

-

awsten truly loved the weather this time of year. though he had lived a life of warmth in texas, he had happily traded that in for the full weather experience that northern vermont offered. he figured it was always cold up north - he'd never been this far up before - and was shocked to find the other seasons equally as brutal. though he could handle a sweltering summer, his adaptation to the chills of fall and winter were much less pronounced.

he kept a brisk pace as he skirted along the edge of his campus, sketchbook clutched firmly against his chest while nearly half of his face was buried in his favorite scarlet colored scarf. his eyes were fluttering about the trees, watching the crisp leaves flutter about in beautiful shades of vermillion and gold. despite the biting chill settling in the air, he was thoroughly enjoying his slight daze, until he was pulled from it abruptly by the honking of a familiar car.

when he turned to find the source of the noise, he was greeted by a familiar sight. a dark navy car that had to be nearing his age, with his favorite person sat behind the wheel. he couldn't contain the smile that spread itself across his face as he eagerly jogged up to the passenger side and hopped in.

"thanks for picking me up, this is the kind of surprise i need after today" he said eagerly, before realizing the volume of geoff's music was far too loud for him to be heard. he didn't need to say a word though - one look at the other and he was hurriedly turning the knob so the music was soft.

"sorry," he was soft, and awsten loved it. he didn't understand why the boy liked blasting his music so much - most of his music was too soft to be blasting as he drove. it just didn't feel right. awsten was convinced geoff's hearing wasn't up to par (probably from years of going to shows and playing without anything protecting his ears) but he didn't have to complain too much.

"you would not believe the day i had, gee. i had two surprise tests and one of my professors nearly missed the whole class, and i just had to sit there! you'd think a school as expensive as this would at least have professors that show up on time, i mean how much do you think they get paid?" he huffed and looked at geoff for input, and quickly realized that he wasn't paying attention.

geoff could be pretty spacey when he felt fine, but he had absolutely zero focus when he was upset. awsten understood - mental illnesses could seriously ruin your concentration. the look on geoff's face told him everything; he was clearly upset.

"hey, what's wrong?" he asked, bitterness replacing itself with sweetness immediately. "is there a reason you picked me up?"

geoff let out the smallest of sighs, biting down on his lip momentarily before daring to speak up. "i couldn't sit in my apartment anymore aws. i just couldn't. i need you today,"

it was the desperation in his voice that really upset awsten. he sounded like he was made out of porcelain, and it scared him so much. the way he stressed how much he needed him today; oh no.

"geoff" his voice remained soft as ever, as if he were hugging the other with words, "what did you do today?" they both knew what his words meant - he wasn't asking about just anything geoff might have done today. today was the anniversary, and it almost always left geoff inconsolable. if awsten had just remembered he would've spent the day with him; though he wasn't one to skip, today would always be his exception.

"nothing. i woke up and it was okay for a while." he stopped speaking for a moment, as if he was contemplating what to say from there. awsten noticed they were driving away from the town, and he knew where they were going. he watched the world shift from trees and townhouses to rolling hills and a seemingly endless road stretching out past the horizon.

"...then what happened?" he prodded, knowing it was better for the other to get his words out.

"then it all just got too much all at once. it hurt so fucking bad and i was all alone and-" he caught himself on his breath, "-everything came back to me like that. all the memories and the feelings and i couldn't see straight...and you werent there, nobody was. i was all alone and, god, i couldn't be alone anymore"

they pulled up to a spot off the side of the road, parking the car amidst the endless rolling hills. below them was a sea of treetops that went on forever, the late afternoon sun settling over the cloudless sky and making the world glimmer in a million shades of gold.

they sat there in the quiet, geoff having leaned back in his seat with his shaking hands laid out across his lap. awsten instinctively took one of them in his own, sending a featherlight smile in his direction in hopes that it might stifle the pain for even a moment.

it never did.