WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 18

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Carson comes by a few minutes after Casey drops me off after school ends. Zach is at Tanner's and Mom isn't at work, but she's not home either. There was a text from her when I checked my phone after my last final of the day that said she was going to go grocery shopping so she wouldn't be able to pick me up today.

So when the doorbell rings, I know who it is. I look out of the eyehole despite this fact, maybe as a way to torture myself. Look who it is! Your crush slash stalker who stands on your lawn in the middle of the night waiting for you to look out the window so he can wave at you.

Carson rings the bell again and I press my forehead to the door. Close my eyes. The churning in my stomach that hasn't died down at all for the last couple of days only gets worse when he says my name. It's muffled. His volume only loud enough for me to barely be able to hear the words. Like he knows I'm standing on the other side of the door listening to him.

When he starts to try to explain himself, I walk away. I run upstairs and shut myself in my room. After a while, I go to my window and try to look out without moving my curtains too much. He's not standing on the lawn. But my mom comes home right then and he comes down off the porch to help her with the groceries.

I stay in my room.

Even when Mom knocks on my door to tell me that Carson is here. To ask if I'm feeling alright. I don't open the door. Tell her I'm tired and don't want to deal with anyone.

I can hear her talking to Carson downstairs. Their voices a soft rumble of words I can't make out. He makes her laugh and I shove my pillow over my head.

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