Decay

Keeping Distance

It felt like we had been wondering through the hallways of my mind for hours. I could tell Joshua was starting to get impatient, but there was nothing I could do to speed up the process. I had a hard time collecting my thoughts on a good day, and now? Nothing was making sense, no matter what I tried. Every turn I took seemed to lead us farther and farther away from where I needed to be.

"You know, I figured this would speed up the process, especially since you're so organized with your thoughts. Do you know where this door is or...?"

I narrowed my eyes at him before realizing he had meant it in a joking manner. "Oh... Um, I'm not really sure... I... I'm organized, but I can't remember things on command. It's like... the doors move or something?" 

I didn't want to give up, but it had already taken so long. Joshua was clearly tired, but I knew he wasn't going to say a word. Psychs are as helpful as Metas with cases involving witnesses, but to work as a Psych takes such patience that most end up having to find careers with other groups. 

"There it is," he said suddenly, startling me out of my thoughts. "Your mind must have relaxed slightly."

I frowned, following his line of sight to a door I knew had previously said "Freshman Maths" when I had seen it. "What do you mean 'relaxed slightly'?"

He tilted his head, seeming to be searching for the words to explain what he was talking about. "It's like... trying to remember something under stress or trying to remember a word for something but it doesn't come until later when your brain can process what it knows."

Was I annoyed? Probably. Was it more at my own shortcomings than at him pointing it out? Probably. Was I relieved we would finish up soon? Yeah. That I would readily admit to. Pushing aside my frustration, I shoved the door open and stepped inside. 

"Wait!" Joshua jolted forward, grabbing my arm. "You're just going to walk in?"

Why did he sound panicked?

"Yeah. How else would we see what happened?"

He seemed to be at a loss for words. "Aren't you afraid of... of being pulled in?"

Waving away his concern, I began walking into the void that made up the room. "Outside of a few moments, it wasn't overly emotional or overwhelming." I heard his footsteps as he jogged to catch up. "It's not like it was a traumatic event for me. Robert, yeah, probably, but I was just an observer."

His silence felt like a weight falling onto my shoulders. I had to ignore it as the stage materialized around us. Some aspects of the room were blurred, only sharpening when I concentrated on them, others little more than splotches of a vaguely neutral color that only just covered the void. People began forming, the colors somewhat... wrong? Robert was vaguely visible through the curtains at the other end of the stage. Morgan and Marissa were talking to a girl I want to say was named Emma, all of them smiling and joking with one another. Mrs. Dakins was directing a group of students that all seemed to blur together into a hazy mob. But one figure stood out sharply against the hazy surroundings.

"That's your friend, Novak, isn't it?" I jumped, having forgot for a moment that Joshua was there.

"Oh, um, yeah... We had been joking around nearly all rehearsal, so I guess that's what I latched onto..." I reached out, tracing my fingers over the metal of that spiral staircase, lowering myself into my seat. Slowly at first, then more and more quickly, the people began moving, almost like a movie in fast forward. Joshua's eyes ran over the scene, taking everything in while I quietly explained the fast-forwarding scene. "It wasn't an eventful rehearsal until right at the end." People went through the motions that I remembered, sometimes disappearing when I wasn't paying attention to their actions. 

I felt my cheeks redden as Joshua's eyes devoured the scene, his fingers twitching. Vaguely, I knew he was taking notes in the real world, bringing my memories out of my skull. He was something akin to a friend, but this felt so invasive. To have someone making my memories something that existed in the real world... To have someone rummaging around in my head was bad enough, but for him to take it out...

Finally, the rehearsal drew to a close, and we watched people milling around, picking up props. "Where is Robert?" Josh asked, turning to me. "He was just there a minute ago and then gone in a moment."

I shrugged, gesturing to the pile of fabric next to me. "To be fair, I was sewing at the time. You're lucky I saw any of this." As I spoke, the people around us flickered in and out of being. "I tried to tell you. It wasn't eventful. If you were to ask most of the people what they had been doing, you'll get blanks and fabrications." Suddenly, everything snapped into focus, now moving at a normal pace. Everything seemed too bright, too fast, too much. "Until this moment." We watched a shadow version of myself move as I did, moving beside Novak, jumping at the scream, pulling my friend up the stair, and we were suddenly on the catwalk, watching the shadow direct Novak, pulling Robert up to safety. 

"Why aren't we seeing this in first person?" His question didn't seem suspicious, more confused. 

I shrugged, keeping my eyes on the scene playing out in front of us. "I prefer to remain... detached... If I'm in the scene, my emotions run a little too high. I can't focus, and it's like I'm there again, but there's a big difference. In the moment, the adrenaline blocks things out. When I return to it... There is no barrier..."

Joshua's eyes stayed on me a moment too long. I may not have had the ability to step into his mind as he could mine, but his thoughts were written on his face as clear as day. He was uneasy with my admission of knowledge of how memories worked. Most people didn't know how to step out from them, and, from what I understand, it was frowned upon in most circles to do so. To separate yourself from your memories separated you from your emotions, and Psychs were afraid that would lead to distance from the truth and make things harder for them.

Had I accidentally made myself a suspect, or at least, more so than I already was? 

He lowered his eyes, swallowing. "I see. So you go back into your memories like this often?"

I shrugged, crossing my arms as I looked around. "I... Well, it's never as immersive as this, but... yeah. Dreaming is mostly reliving my memories, so it's not uncommon for me to do something like this."

"Ah. I see. Well... I think we're done here... We should..." I nodded, letting out a sigh. We had accomplished what we set out to do. No matter what kind of light it put me into, I knew I was innocent, and so did Novak. He would show him that I was innocent just as I had shown him that we were both accounted for... 

I felt my head spin and suddenly found myself back in my seat.