Direction Infection ... Literally {Wattys 2017}

Fifty Shades of Fvcked Up :(

"Jacob?!!" My hand swings to my mouth and I hit it so hard my nose bleeds. Harry's eyes dilate as he puts his mouth to my nose and slurps.

Jacob sighs. "Girl, you can use my; sweeeaaaaaattshiiiiirrrtttt."

Heary snaps his head up in rage and glares at Jacob. "Don't talk to my fucking woman you fucking worm fucking xanthophobic tree!"

Haley lunges at Jacoby with his claws out. They roll around as their tongues battle for dominance.

"Jason-I mean Jacob, be careful my love!"

Harry pops up, "I will, babe."

The scene suddenly changes and we are in the kitchen eating turkey sandwiches.

"Can we all act civil now?" I give them all pointed looks.

"Listen, Kendall," Harriet Tubman says. "You're mine. I own you."

"Actually," My father, Tronald Dump, bursts through the kitchen door. "I own her. In fact, I bought the entire city. In fact, I'm Christian Grey."   He rips off his wig and mask.

"Dad?" I cry. "Where did you go?" Tears stream down my face. Just as my father came into my life, he left. This is like peek-a-boo all over again.

"Kylie, I pushed your father off the mayflower. I'm sorry, but I'm kidnapping you."

"Wait." Jason steps in, heroically. *i swoon* "don't you already own her?"

"No, her father does." Haley Kiyoko snaps. "Keep up with the plot, please."

"But didn't Christian Grey shove Tronald Dump off the mayflower?"

Mr. Grey gives Jason an odd look. "Of course not, that's ridiculous. The Mayflower happened in 1942."

"I am a homosexual." Announces Tony McGuire.

"Toby, stop bursting in my home." Harry yells at him.

"This is my home." Christian Grey says, but he pauses with passion in his grey but blue orbs that look like the asteroid that came and wiped out the dinosaurs in 1973. "You look like my dead mother... that's hot."

"I think I need to leave." Jason- I mean Jacob this is confusing- stands up, looking scared but that was a mistake because Lightning McQueen crashed through the window, killing him instantly.

"KaCHOW." Lightning cheers in delight.

I scream, my voice cutting out as I crash to the ground in anguish. "But I didn't get to wear his sweatshirt!"

Henry runs over to me, the light streaming in from the broken window making him glitter. "I'm rich."

I instantly felt better, he knew me so well.

Christian's eyes burst into flames. "I'm RICHER." He snaps his fingers and nothing happens....

Then, suddenly, the roof collapses and everyone screams in terror but Toby. Grey Enterprises helicopter descends from the hevens on Lighting McQueen, killing him instantly. But before that, we hear a faint "kachigga" and Toby the homosexual begins shake as his eyes turn into the logo for Disney Studios. We wait. He is now—

"Kachow!"

All the Kardashians are hanging out the window of the helicopter, waving at Christian. "Get in, bitch. We're going shoppppping."

The Brown One™️ (Zane?) bursts through the door, ripping off a mask.

Christian Grey/I mean my owner/my father's killer/Christopher Columbus gasps in complete and utter shock like a white mom when the manager isn't available. "Ana?"