Direction Infection ... Literally {Wattys 2017}

EpiClogg

*record scratch* freeze frame. Yup, that's me. You're probably all wondering how I ended up here. Well, you probably also may inquire what might ask, was that whole story true?

Well, I'm afraid terribly horribly unfortunately tragically so. My boyfriend— I mean EX boyfriend, Drake— I mean, Harry. They'll all the same to me— remember him? Yeah, well, he never came looking for me. One might say that's because he married that whore nurse and had two children and has a happy and stable life, and ALSO happened to file a restraining against me after I stalked for him two months and tried to kill his kids— but honestly who can tell. Certainly, not me. Cheating cow eater vegan.

"Mom!"

Oh, you're also probably wondering who that is. Well, that's my daughter. That's right, he left me preggernant with Izzy-Duck (completely unrelated to Bella Swan, ugh that slüt probably slept with Hamantha).

Since she's a vampire hybrid child, whenever I tried to Brest feed her she started sucking my neck, killing me instantly. Multiple times. But I survived. Because I'm a survivor with crippling depression. I tried giving her away at the fire station, but she proceeded to kill literally everyone there. Including me. One might say we have a bond.

Anyway, I still have not responded to my son™️ (IT is too young to decided who they are) who called my name five minutes ago.

"Izzy-Duck," I say exasperatedly. "What's up, honey goose duck caterpillar?"

Her brown eyes, dull brown curly hair with stringy split ends because I can't afford to take her to get a haircut. She has pale skin and to be quite frank with you, she's pretty generic. I don't know where she gets it's from. Besides her webbed-feet, chartreuse eyes, and her inability to speak in anything other than bat squeaks despite just saying mom two seconds ago, she blends into the crowd with her wings the size of my lack of an ego because I'm ugly and diverse and wattpad hates diversity.

A knock on the door scares both of us as she screeches and flies up to her room and fûcking vaporizing a wall— *sigh XP* we just got that fixed. Then, as my palm is placed on the knob of the door, my body surges with power and I am transported into a flashback of when I gave birth...

***

"PUSH" screams the doctor.

I give him a nasty look, but also he's hot so I let it slide. Maybe he can support me financially???? Because like I said, I'm broke. Mostly because Christian Grey made me sign a prenup when we got married, but whatever I don't need him.

Anyway, like I said, she flew out of my vergerna and her little wings took her far as she sliced the throat of all the doctors and I cried with pure addventagous as they all collapsed to the ground. So proud of my young daughter. Then I died, instantly.

***

Anyway, I'm brought back to the present as the knocking persists. I noticed I peed a little. Oh well happens a lot after the birth since I had to stitch myself since she killed all the doctors. I'm very independent, unlike my two-year old daughter. What a nuisance, she needs to grow up and start providing for the family.

I open the door and there he stands, the love of my life, Jason—JaKob Victorious— he has dead roses crumpled in his hand. He's breathing heavily, his face flushed, despite the fact he should be dead. Adulthood has served him well, I notice as I stare down at the bulge in his jeans. I lick my lips in anticipation.

"How—what—where—when—why—how are you here?!?! You died 140 years ago! Under my new husband's helicopter!"

He wipes the sweat from his brow and a breathy moan catches in my throat. My legs are shaking and my core is hot. I make a mental note to change since my panties are wetter than the Sahara Dessert. "I'm a centaur. We live forever, except it took me a long time to crawl my way out of the rubble."

"But where are your horse legs?" I ask quizzedly, seeing his human legs in jeans.

His bulge that I previously mentioned was actually horse legs. I'm not exactly sure where his manhood is, but that doesn't matter since I'm overridden with list. Tall guys turn me on.

"Let's get married." He announces.

"Okay." I quickly agree, completely disregarding the fact I'm married and have a demon child that was probably conspired in hell and sent to this earth to bring it to destruction and turmoil, one might say I'm an anti-virgin Mary. But that's a story for a different day ;)

"What about Christian Grey?" He asks. "And don't you have a daughter?"

"Who?" I shrug carelessly. "I've been in love with you since the day Harry swooped me off my feet at his concert."

A single tear slides down his cheek. "That's when I realized I wanted to be with you forever, right after you called me a straightphobic pig. I knew you were independent and quirky in that moment."

I flip my golden metallic locks made out of literal gold over my shoulder. "One might say that, I guess."

*******
EPILOGUE PART 2

I stand at the alter, Harry in front of me—I mean Jason, shit I mean Jacob. I do that a lot, especially during sex. He hates it, but what can you do. I'm a WOMAN in love. I hit puberty btw after I had my kid.

No one understands. Everyone tells me I'm obsessive, but I'm only a WOMAN in love with the centaur of my dreams. My daughter flies in delight at her mother—me—getting married and the crowd screams in cold-blooded terror as she slits the throat of the first crowd which is generally reserved for close family but we knew Izzy-Duck would pull this shit so we sat the relevants in the back and irrelevants in the front.

Basically, we all lived happily ever after. What can I say— my life was hard but I made it through. Because that's what independent women do.

THE END

***
A/N

I'm gonna cryyyyyyy KOOL KATS!! I can't believe this journey is finally over. This story got me through some hard times- like when I got accepted into Harvard but it turned out it was just my school bullies pranking me!! Lol suppperrrrr awk when I showed and they had no idea who I was. ANYWAY. I'm pregnant again and I'm retiring to motherhood. CHOW MY LOVIES.