Forfeit (Original Edit)

Chapter Five

Tonio smiled at me from the photo I'd propped on the worktop. Despite my raging hangover and midday being over two hours away, I poured a hefty vodka and tonic. I had no desire to get through the day sober. August 2nd should have been Tonio's thirtieth birthday. I knew it would hurt but I hadn't realised it would be this bad.

The photo was my favourite - one I'd taken at the Coachella music festival. With his dark hair short and messy, Tonio sat against a tree, wearing a black, sleeveless Nirvana t-shirt, jeans and flip-flops, looking every bit the off-duty movie star. Uncharacteristically, he wasn't wearing sunglasses so I could see his blue eyes, crinkled at the corners as he smiled. I'd taken the photo after he'd said he loved me. We'd been happy that day, really happy.

'Happy Birthday, baby. I miss you.'

The first of the day's tears fell down my cheeks as I toasted him but I knocked back several gulps of VAT, relaxing into the familiar buzz.

In the days after James' party, I drowned in guilt. I'd started drinking most nights but then it became every night and most afternoons. For a hangover cure and distraction, I rode Tara in the mornings, but as we plodded around, more bored than ever, I'd daydream about the beautiful black mare at Robbie's and feel as adulterous as I did for copping off with Xander.

The Knight-in-Shining-Polo-Boots called a few times from Italy and sent several texts - one asking me to meet him at the livery yard but, of course, I ignored his calls and didn't consider meeting him anywhere. I only spoke to Clara and my parents. My mum begged me to stay with them, or let her come here. I refused, telling her I was fine. I wasn't.

A week ago, a worried Clara moved out. She called twice a day and came round when she could but I missed her. We were supposed to be viewing houses at two o'clock but I fully intended to be in a coma before then.

By lunchtime, I sat perched in the window, sipping my third vodka as I watched the world shuffle by. If I moved my head, the room swayed so I tried to stay absolutely still, only moving to drop cigarette ends into an empty wine bottle. I'd been like that for over an hour, when I noticed the car outside and Xander stood beside it. I blinked and he'd gone but after I'd knocked back my drink, he was crouching beside me.

'Daisy?' He took my empty glass away, sniffing it.

I showed him the photo of Tonio. 'He should be thirty today.'

'I know,' he said, taking the photo off me. 'You look awful. When did you last eat?' He pushed my hair off my face, swearing, and not under his breath. 'This is stopping, right now. I know this is hard but you're not killing yourself with self-pity. Stand up.'

I tried but the world shifted sideways and I grabbed Xander's shoulders to stay upright. The world shifted again as he picked me up, carrying me upstairs. Did he think he could take me to bed? Apparently not - we were in the bathroom.

'Christ, Daisy, why didn't you tell me?'

My mouth didn't work. I was in the bath. Lovely but there was no water. I opened my mouth to complain but ice-cold water rained down and I screamed, trying to get out. I don't know if he pushed me or if I fell, but I stayed there for several minutes.

'Stop it.' The words were barely audible above the shower but finally I could think, I could focus, I could talk. 'Xander, stop it.'

He turned the water off. 'Better?'

'You bastard.' I stared at my soaking jeans.

'Obviously better. Time for a shower?'

He helped me stand but the room swirled and my stomach flipped. I staggered out of the bath, just making it to the toilet before I threw up. I threw up until there wasn't anything left in the world to throw up and as fresh tears flowed, Xander wrapped me in a towel. My life was a disaster but I just didn't have the energy to make it better. I let him rock me like a baby until my sobs calmed to shuddering breaths.