piacular (adj.)
/pʌɪˈakjʊlə/ making or requiring atonement.
- - -
"thanks for calling, but i'm not home right now. go bother someone else, and please leave a message!"
chan sighs.
he knows stuff is hard right now, but wouldn't jun bother to call him at least once?
apparently not.
jisoo is fast asleep next to him. he had come over right after work, going on and on about how the library was going to be closed over the next few days, and how he planned to spend it all with chan.
half of him wants to be edgy and toss his phone at the wall, but he doesn't want to wake his boyfriend.
chan curls back into bed. is jun considering his existence right now? how is feng doing? and where the actual hell is minghao?
"i can hear you thinking..." a sleepy voice mutters, pulling chan from his thoughts. "go back to sleep."
"i'm sorry." chan replies, pressing his face into joshua's chest in an attempt to stop his endless train of thought.
jisoo, knowing exactly what's on his mind, doesn't say anything. he turns so that he can hover over the younger boy, holding his arms against the pillow and staring him down.
"when will you stop blaming yourself for jun's condition?" the cat eyed boy whispers, balancing himself on his elbow so that he can skim his fingers across chan's face. "there's nothing you can do to help him right now. feng's in the hospital, jun's coping, and he's with minghao. you need to breathe."
"i just--" chan reaches out and hold's joshua's shoulders. "why can't i be there for him like minghao is? why can't i be that friend?"
jisoo is silent.
"i-i'm his best fucking friend. yet i can't support him because i--" the student closes his eyes. "because i don't know how."
he holds back his tears, keeping his eyes shut and relishing in the feeling of joshua smoothing out his sore muscles. pressing kisses to his head and his face, his neck and his collarbone, down to his chest and to each individual knuckle. jisoo hates seeing his lover hurting, but he knows that right now, saying nothing would be the for the best.
at least he thought so.
- - -
"you're going to read to him?"
minghao looks up from where he was bent over a small messenger bag, smiling. "mhm. no one at the library was checking these books out, so i decided to buy them for when he wakes up."
jun's lips, for the first time in a while, curl up just a little.
he looks back over at his resting brother. jun refuses to use the terminology of him being within a comatose.
feng was simply...asleep.
"speaking of the library, shouldn't you be at work? you, uh..." jun pauses. "you don't have to stay here with me if you don't want to."
the expression that minghao has to these words seems offended, almost. "the library is closed this week. and i do want to stay with you, so don't give me that."
all jun does is nod.
minghao sits on the hospital bed, legs crossed and book open. it's a children's picture book on the jungle, filled with cute pictures related to each and every animal that lives there.
jun watches his boyfriend read quietly, with eyes full of adoration. he wonders what he did to deserve this. he was just a low-class jock, some prick who didn't give a damn about his grades or anyone else, but still managed to win the heart of someone so pure and innocent. everything about it makes him feel warm and giddy, loving this clumsy librarian and taking all he has to offer. spending time just listening to him read, for his voice is so small and gentle, that it makes junhui resort to tears.
a phone rings, and minghao stops reading. the librarian, recognizing it not to be his own phone, gestures to jun.
"your phone--" minghao begins.
"i can't take it right now. i have to stay with feng."
"jun," minghao bends over, scanning the caller id. "it's chan...he's been trying to get a hold of you for a while now. why don't you take it?"
the student frowns as the phone's ringing comes to a stop.
"don't think you have to, love." minghao mumbles, closing the book. "i just think he wants to talk to you."
a fresh wave of guilt washes over junhui, making him pick up his phone and walk over to the door of the hospital room. "this'll only take a second...i-i'll be right back."
the door closes.
- - -
the door opens.
"jun!"
the student whips around to face his shaking lover, immediately concerned and worried. he had only begun to search for chan's contact.
"what? what's wrong?"
"feng, feng, he, jun--"
it's almost as if time stops, and then starts again. jun bursts into the hospital room, shuffling to the bed in a hurry, eyes staying stuck on the machine that monitors feng's heartbeat.
minghao follows in with multiple doctors trailing behind him, covering his mouth to hold back sobs as he watches jun cry silently.
the doctors shove jun aside, blocking him from seeing his brother's still body and the heart monitor. he yells and cries, begging to be let past, but is held back by none other than his boyfriend whose tears are falling just as fast.
he shouldn't have gotten up. he shouldn't have agreed to taking that one call. he shouldn't have done any of it. why couldn't he just have stayed put, enjoying the peace of his soulmate and his sleeping brother?
all jun knew in that moment, was that he failed feng as a brother.
feng would be okay, he would, he would, he had to be. jun feels himself go limp in minghao's arms, hearing nothing but the sounds emitted from the monitor. his eyes move madly, watching the heartbeat jolt and slow, driving him to insanity. would feng be okay? he would live, right? he'd be up and happy, hugging jun again, reading and giggling, wouldn't he?
the long, single beeping of a stopped heartbeat is enough to answer his question.
