I'm not gay

Sean

~Sean~

I duck my head down, the water pouring directly onto my neck and trailing down along my back. I shut my eyes and leaned my hands on the wall, letting the warmth of the water wash over my strained muscles.

Two months. Nearly three.

It's strange. I've tried to forget him. I've changed so much about myself. I've dyed my hair back to brown, I've cut myself off from him at the Markiplier and friends at Pax... I haven't spoken to him, despite how desperate I was to hear his voice again. I've restrained myself from viewing anything he uploads, trying to cut myself off from that bad habit.

I eventually sighed and turned off the faucet, listening to the tip tap of the droplets hit the ground from my body. I took very long showers daily, it seemed to be the only real time I could allow myself that relaxation. My schedule plays out repetitively, get up, have breakfast, record some videos, send them off to Robin, take a long shower and go out for drinks. Each and every day.

I'm so Irish it's pathetic. I drink my sorrows away at the end of the day.

I'm so lonely it's painful.

I made a 'Coming out' video about a month ago, since there was really nothing else holding me back. The only reason I hadn't made one before was because of... Him. I shook my head, refusing to even mention his name in my thoughts.

I dry my body and look up into the mirror, steam covering the corners and slowly closing it around my reflection until it was completely blurred out. I force my eyes away and walk out the bathroom, tossing my towel aside and pulling on a fresh pair of boxers, soon searching my room for clothes. I decide on my black ripped skinny jeans and my 'No fun' shirt, slipping on a black beanie.

My dark clothing demonstrates my emotions perfectly. I grab my phone and leave my house, the wind brushing over my pale cheeks. I suppose to most this weather would be considered 'cold', but seeing as I'm from Ireland were cold weather is accustomed, I find this mild.

I walk into the small pub I usually would visit, taking a seat at the bar and dipping my head so it rested on the counter. "Usual?" Barry asked and I lamely showed his a thumbs up, letting my hand drop to my side. I had about two glasses of whiskey, not noticing the stranger take a seat beside me, letting out a low chuckle which caught my attention as I downed the rest of my drink, slamming the glass down onto the table.

"Take it easy there pal", he tilted his head, offering a warm grin. He was attractive, messy black hair, bright grey eyes and pale skin. "What are you? My mom?" I scoff at him, turning my attention to the bartender and requesting another drink. "Fair enough".

"What do you want?" I demand, noticing he wasn't leaving and was still staring at me. "I thought you looked lonely", he shrugged and I rolled my eyes at him, taking a swig of my refilled drink. "Ugh, is it that obvious?" I asked and he chuckled, shrugging again. "Well, I'll have you know that some people prefer being kept to themselves", I spoke slowly, trying to give him the hint that I wanted his ass to be gone.

"Oh, I get that, but some people are alone too often and need some company.... I've noticed you come here a lot and drink alone", he said and I snorted, giving him a stupid expression. "Oh yeah, that's not fucking creepy", I take another swig. "What's your issue man? Fired from a job? Dumped by your girlfriend? There's gotta be something if you're hear so often", he leaned back on the bar and gazed at me.

"How is this any of your business?" I scowled, swirling the alcohol in my glass. "It's not, I just want to know how I can help".

"Pfft... Whatever, I wasn't fired, technically I can't be fired, and I'm gay so you're wrong there too", I notice his eyes light up momentarily but he settled down, keeping a charming smile. "Gay huh? What a coincidence", he looked away and my brows furrowed, downing the rest of my drink and I slammed down my glass, wiping my mouth with my sleeves.

"What are you trying to do?" I growled at him and he blushed. "I just thought you were really cute, I mean, I'd rather see you smile than see you frown, and I find myself wondering, what does his smile look like? I bet it's a once-in-a-lifetime amazing smile", the corners of my lips twitch. "You're so cheesy it's cancerous", I pay the bartender and head towards the exit, but the stranger grabbed my hand and spun me round, backing me up into the wall.

"But it made you flustered", I hadn't noticed my flaring cheeks until I rose my cold hands to them, my entire body was vibrating and tingling, the last time I felt this was with Mark. I let my eyes shut, the feeling evaporated like steam at the thought of him. "Whatever", i shoved him off and exited the pub, feeling my eyes fill with tears.

"God dammit", I whimpered to myself, raising my hand to my face and trying to hold back the desire to cry. "Hey", the stranger took my hand again and gently turned me to face him. "What's wrong? Did I say something to hurt you... I-I'm sorry", his voice strained with concern and I smiled, shaking my head.

"No, it's just... Something I'm trying to forget... You remind me of that something".

"Did he hurt you?" His eyes narrowed at me. "I-I would never hurt you... At least not intentionally... I can change for you, I can do something to make me remind you less of it", his efforts made me smile and I leaned up, laying a gentle kiss upon his cheek. "I'm Sean... You're adorable".

"Adam".

I took his hand and lead him to a nearby diner, deciding to give this a try.

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I like Adam, I'm trying to give everyone a hard time to find a reason to hate him.