No One Ever Truly Cares

Jealousy

Everyone has a safe place, somewhere they go to think, somewhere they go for peace, for me that's my wardrobe. It has been since I was younger and realised I was small enough to sit in it, I always won at hide and seek, now that I'm older I'm still small enough to stand in it. I have a missive cushion on the floor, so I can sit down and get away from the world. That's why I'm sat in my wardrobe listening to my sister shouting at my parents.

"Why didn't you just tell us you were going out?" Mum asks her.

"I didn't say I was staying in." Gemma snaps back.

"Hey! Watch your mouth" Dad warns her, he didn't have a problem until she got cheeky, he hates backtalk, no matter how old we are. "Its common decency to tell us where you go. What happened if something happened and we couldn't find you because you weren't at your friend's house?"

"Even if I said I was going out you wouldn't have known where I'd be. We didn't know we'd be in the one club all night!" Gemma defends.

"I told you once. Watch your mouth!" Dad shouts.

"If you had told us you were going out with your friends at least we would have known you were in town" Mum tells her, always trying to be the voice of reason. "We figured you were going to go out to get food like you normally do, but then we see on Facebook this morning that you went out clubbing."

"I'm 23 I can go out clubbing!" Gemma shouts. "it's not my fault she's jealous I didn't invite her to come with. She doesn't even like my friend's, so I don't know what her problem is!"

"We saw the photo before she did."

"So... What do you want from me? A Sorry? Fine! I'm sorry. I'm sorry she's clingy and expects me to take her everywhere I go. I'm sorry she's pathetic and has no friends, because if she did she wouldn't stir the pot with me!" she's mainly sorry her friend tagged her in the posts.

"You live in our house, its not asking much to know when you are. If you stayed home and were going out with your friends you'd have told us and we'd know where you were. We expect the same respect when you go out." Mum says.

"Whatever" Gemma scoffs. "Just tell that fucking idiot not to come near me today! She poured half her fucking bottle of water over me. I was in my bed!" she shouts stomping towards the kitchen.

She's entitled.

Has been since she was little.

While I got told off for things, my parents were always a little easier on her. It was mainly down to the fact she could cry on cue and it made everyone uncomfortable. She was a real drama queen. Now she's a 'princess'. And I can't complain because I'm a part of the reason why. When my parents didn't let her get something, id get it for her. I felt bad for her. Then as we got older I'd buy her what she wanted when she wanted it. Our mother said I was trying to buy her love and looking back I realise she was right. I wasn't allowed to go out with my friends Sunday to Thursday, so I had my sister to hang out with, but she always had better things to do. When I brought her things, we spent time together shopping. We hung out more, I became one of her friends, not in her top 5, but she'd want to hang out with me. And I guess it stuck because now, years later, when I go out I always see things she'd like, never wanting to buy myself anything, although that's more to do with my self confidence and body image.

But listening as she shouts at my parents that it's not her fault I'm mad simply because I'm jealous she didn't invite me out really annoys me.

The truth is I'm not jealous of her. I'm jealous of her life, I envy her. I'm the oldest by just over a year. I never had anyone spoiling me, buying me everything I wanted. I never had friends who wanted to do fun things like go to concerts, go out at n Saturday nights, go to the movies, or just go out shopping. No, my friends wanted to hang out in he wooded area of the park. Where they'd sit on the hill and watch other people, they didn't mind all the mud, and climbing the hill. But as someone who has trouble walking on flat surfaces I hated it. I'd slide down, fall on my face and make a fool of myself. But the worst part was when you tripped and tried to catch yourself in the grass and mud because then you were cleaning mud from your nails for days afterwards.

To say I hated going out with them was an understatement.

It was easy to get out of hanging out with them. My parents where strict with me, if my homework wasn't done, or my chores weren't done I wasn't allowed out. After a while I just started saying I was grounded to avoid going out with them as every time I suggested we go to the swings in the park or out shopping we'd always end up on that hill by the trees, in the mud.

So, I'd watch my sister go out with her friends. I was happy to help her finish her chores when she begged me to, so she could go to the cinema.

And I was happy that she had good friends.

Until I realised they were shit friends.

Always letting her down. Cancelling plans last minute, not meeting her in time, making her late for her curfew and not coming to her birthdays.

Then I resented her.

She always put me in second place behind her 'great' friends who always put her in second.

I'd go visit her at her University when she asked because she seemed lonely and homesick, yet her friends never once visited her. When she came home she always wanted to drop her things off, put a load of washing on, take a shower, then go meet some of her many friends. She'd blow off our plans if one of them asked her to hang out.

Then the resentment turned into hate. At first, I hated myself for always making time for her when she asked because she never did the same for her.

But listening in on her calling me pathetic and clingy makes me hate her.

Or better yet, the girl she became.

The thing is, she always calls me names, and I call her names right back, but I always forgive her. We go at each other's throats one second, but then we're laughing about it the next. It always annoys our mother. But it's our norm, it's how we get through things. There's an issue, we fight, we don't talk, its resolved, we're friends again laughing at some shit on Instagram.

But some words hurt, they get under you skin and scar you.

Words like pathetic and clingy.

But what do they mean?

Pathetic is defined as: Evoking pity through vulnerability or sadness.

Clingy is defined as: Too emotional dependent.

But I'm neither of those things.

At least in my eyes I'm not.

I'm not trying to get pity. I just want people to want me. But that doesn't make me dependent.

I wake up by myself, I go shopping by myself, I make my own food, I pay my bills, I pay rent, I pay for my train ticket. I go to work, I come home, I eat, I shower, I go to bed. Nothing in my day to day actually makes me depend on anyone but myself.

I just like the idea of having someone who wants to spend time with me.

Someone who loves me.

I need a little attention.

I don't need pity.

Gemma has loads of friends, although they aren't all the nicest people, she's constantly surrounded by people, they talk to her daily, they give her attention. And then there's our parents. They always let her get her way, and when I confront them about it, I get told off. Its like the prefer her to me, and it sucks, because there's 2 of us, if they have a favourite (her) then what does that mean for the second one? Nothing. It means they care less.

And that's why I envy her.

I'm not jealous of her, I'm jealous of the life she lives.

She doesn't have a care in the world, she thinks of no one but herself.