No One Ever Truly Cares

Music

It's my only escape.

Music.

All I have to do is listen to the lyrics and I feel the emotions of them. A thousand different songs, and I can relate to them all. Like the words were made just for me, just for my situation. The lyrics, the beat of the music, going into my ears, my brain, my heart, fully consuming me until I feel the song.

Music.

When you think you can't feel anything, that you're lost in an empty void. Music helps, it lets you feel emotions you didn't know you could access. It lets you feel.

Let's you live.

In a world where nothing else matters but that song, what the lyrics are saying and what they mean. It's an easy escape.

Relaxation.

An escape from your reality.

A temporary reprieve from your everyday life and struggles. It helps to power your imagination. Letting you feel everything.

That's why I'm listening to P!nk's 'Bridge of Light'. The song playing through the sound bar in my room, the lyrics rush through my body, the intensity of the song hitting me as if she wrote it specifically for me.

It's what I really needed today.

An escape.

Yesterday was crazy, as was the dream I had last night. I woke up early this morning, mind spinning. They say dreams are you mind trying to tell you something. And all I could get from it was that maybe Gemma stabbed me in the back in my dream because I stabbed her in the back. I'm trying not to feel guilty about it though. She never has to deal with the consequences of her actions. If I did half the stuff she has I would be scolded, publicly, and punished, no matter what my age is. But it doesn't happen with her. It like my parents thought they were perhaps too strict with me and decided to ease off of her, a little too much if you ask me.

That's why I'm trying not to feel bad. Because if the roles were reversed she would have done the same to me without hesitation, certainly without feeling bad about it. Yet I feel bad about it. Its just the way I am. She hasn't spoken to me since yesterday morning, and my parents have said a few words to me since the whole thing.

I just feel so isolated and alone.

In my room, lying on my bed listening to the song on repeat as it speaks to me, understanding me in a way no one ever can. Talking directly to me, guiding me from the dark with the beauty of the lyrics;

Just when you think
Hope is lost
And giving up
Is all you got,
Blue turns black,
Your confidence is cracked,
There seems no turning back from here

Sometimes there isn't an obvious explanation
Why the holiest hearts can feel the strongest palpitations

That's when you can build a bridge of light,
That's what turns the wrongs all right
That's when you can't give up the fight

That's when love turns nighttime into day,
That's when loneliness goes away,
That's why you gotta be strong tonight,
Only love can build us a bridge of light

When your feet are made of stone
You're convinced that you're all alone
Look at the stars instead of the dark
You'll find your heart shines like the sun

Let's not let our anger get us lost
And the need to be right comes at way too high a cost

That's when love can build a bridge of light
That's what turns the wrongs all right
That's when you know it's worth the fight

That's when love turns nighttime into day
That's when loneliness goes away,
That's why you gotta be strong tonight
'Cause only love can build us a bridge of light

Deep breath, take it on the chin
But don't forget to let love back in

That's when love can build a bridge of light
That's what turns the wrongs all right
That's when you can't give up the fight

That's when love turns nighttime into day,
That's when loneliness goes away
That's why you gotta be strong tonight
'Cause only love can build us a bridge of light

Only love can build us a bridge of light
Of light, of light

I relax more and more each time the song ends and then begins again. The more I listen to it, the more the lyrics soak into my mind until I'm able to join in singing more then just the chorus.

My bedroom door opening stops me singing along and the lyrics slowly fading from my mind to the background as Gemma steps into my room a scowl on her face.

"Hey!" she snaps.

"What?"

"Turn your music down" she demands.

"It's not even that loud" I defend.

"I can hear it, so it is. Turn it down. I'm on the phone" Gemma complains.

"Why should I?"

"Because it's a shit song".

"No, it's not" I say not backing down. It's a great song, and I'm not even playing it loud, its just loud enough for me to hear and sing along softly. It's not like I was belting out the lyrics.

"You're such a child" she says with an eye roll.

"Just because I don't want to listen to a song that you have on grind someone to".

She lets out a laugh, "and that's why guys don't like you".

"Because I don't grind on them. What a shame..." I drawl out bored.

"Maybe guys would like you more if you did grind on them."

"Not all guys like that, some like to have conversations, cuddle, and just be themselves with their girlfriends."

"How many guys have you dated...?" she asks sarcastically then laughs when I narrow my eyes at her, "exactly. So, you're at no liberty to tell me what guys like when you have no experience with them."

"And how many of the guys that you've 'dated' since high school asked you to be their girlfriend. Exactly, you don't know about it either, you're just the girl for now, not the girl they want forever."

"And you're the girl no one wants. Ever. So, fuck you" she spits and slams my door as she leaves my room.

I know what I said wasn't the nicest, but what she said was cruel.

Head on my pillow, I close my eyes and focus on the song filling mybedroom, hoping it will help to keep the darkness out.