No One Ever Truly Cares

Pain

My mum swears a lot when she hits her foot, and she hits it all the time.

That is the only time she swears.

Or so she says.

I swear like a sailor and get shouted at, every My mum swears a lot when she hits her foot, and she hits it all the time. That is the only time she swears. Or so she says. I swear like a sailor and get shouted at, every damn day. And god forbid I stub my toe on a chair and curse it to hell and back. Because in her state of pain, she overlooks the fact that she is, clear as day, swearing.

When my dad gets hurt he likes to fix it.

He bashes his thumb at work and has blood build up under his nail, he's thumb has its own pulse and swells up. So he gets a drill and drills a small hole in his nail to release the pressure and it takes a while but it heals up. He cuts himself working in the garden, he stops what he's doing, unplugs what he's using and goes inside. He cleans the cut, puts whatever will help it on the cut, and either sticks a plaster on it or leaves it open and goes back to work.
He's the sensible one.

My sister, she's aggressive.

If she kicks her toe, she'll break the damn chair if you don't intercept the situation. If she bashes her elbow on something when she's walking and you have the cheek not to stop everything you're doing and go to her and help her, (even though she hates it when you do in fact try to do it) or ask her if she's okay, which you can tell by her body language and whole aura that she isn't. She will turn to you, and unleashed her anger on you because how dare you not care that she's hurt, and why would you just stand there and not help.

Even resulting to violence in many cases and shoving you out of the way or stomping on your foot as she passes.

I think she wants people to feel pain if she has to.

And then there's me.

I walk into my bedroom holding my laundry basket full of clean clothes and smash my hand on my door handle.

I'm not a cryer. At least that's what I tell myself, but when I get hurt my first thought is to cry.

It doesn't help, just makes me fustratyed which makes me cry more, and then I sulk, because I'm feeling sorry for myself. And my hand hurts, and I have to sit there holding it, licking my finger and gently wiping it across the pink skin, smoothing down the now loose skin the door handle ripped apart from the rest of my hand. I have to blow onto it softly and blink back more tears.

I really fucking hate crying.

Normally if I kick my toe I have to squeeze it, the pressure helps me, if I bash my knee on something, I can feel the top of my knee cap shift and have to rub it gentle get hard until I don't feel it anymore.

I'd like to say I handle pain like a boss like my dad, but I don't. I turn into a wimp, more so then my mum and sister.

But everybody deals with pain in different ways. They have different tolerances of pain they can handle and different types of pain to deal with.

I know that. I do, I just wish I could handle it better, I sometimes swear when I hurt myself, but I swear a lot on a daily basis. I can't get aggressive and hit things or people like Gemma, no matter how tempting it is.

I wasn't wired to hurt people.

When I do I feel like absolute shit about it afterwards.

I'd regret it.

I'm one of those people that walks into a chair and apologised to it.