Blueprint

P4 - Happy 20th, Athena!

"Why would you do that, Athena?! Are you—are you crazy?! That is so irresponsible!"

"You're dressing differently and now drinking?!!"

"And Harry was so sweet to bring you home! He won't even punish you for this, but I will!"

"Athena! Are you listening?!!"

Regurgitate. I need to regurgitate. A stack of needles of equilateral distances pinned to my scalp, past my skull and torturing my nerves caused me to grimace sourly at the sight of the plate of pancakes in front of me. The auditory part of my brain was processing sound, though it never processed entirely. I didn't fully comprehend the level of her anger, but the force and volume of her voice were digested into the pit of my burning, painful stomach.

My mouth waters and I have to swallow down the sensation, my body warming and perspiration accumulating at my hairline and under my arms. I might have died and came back to life — is my conclusion. Puffy, exhausted hazel eyes stare at my mother's enraged, pinked face. I knew somewhere deep and down my mother was being dramatic and overreacting. But I decided to keep quiet for fear of opening my mouth and vomiting right there. The pancakes weren't very appealing, and the sweet scent of syrup was causing my stomach to churn. Skin under my breasts was growing warm, all the enclosed parts of my body heating with the cold sweat overriding my normal body temperature.

I blankly stared while she slams her pots into the sink and furiously scrubs at a few dishes with the water splashing occasionally. She was beyond pissed, but that wasn't even enough to lower my sunken mood. Every moment of last night plays vividly in my brain, and I stare at the pancake with glassy eyes, watching the butter at the top melt. My ears were stuffy and it become apparent that everything around me became white noise.

Okay...breathe, I remind myself. I got a little tipsy and let my mind roam a bit, so far that it leaked through my autonomy. I remember being so close to him that his cologne dominated my senses, that the fabric of his expensive shirt is still felt beneath my hands. In the car, our eyes locked and I swore the tension could be felt, pressing against my chest and forcing me to take deeper breaths. I was devilish...subtly forcing myself onto him with every intention to get him to crack.

I grow anxious and distraught while the butter slides down the cooling pancake, off to the side of the white ceramic plate. Feeling myself cringe and grimace every time I replay the instance where I had unbuttoned my shirt and gave him an explicit view of my full breasts cupped in a nude bra. The way his eyes widened and he grimaced in frustration, strained as he looked away and quietly offered to take me home. God that was the most pathetic thing I've ever done, and trust, I have done many. But this one takes gold.

This is my only real, even remotely sexual encounter with a man. Even the mere memory of alcohol makes me want to vomit, and so I inhale deeply and curse at myself further. I have to show up today at the internship, and work with Harry, as if nothing had happened.

"Do you hear me, Athena? This is just so embarrassing, not only for you, but for me. When your father hears about this...what will the judge do about it?!"

She snaps from the bathroom sink as I'm in standing under the hot jet beams of the shower, soaking my dark hair and slouching, shutting my eyes and leaning my forehead onto the tiled walls in distress.

"And really, Athena. Harry is such a kind man. He's done this for you and you respond like this? Drinking alcohol in his office with your friends?"

She further scolds while I'm fully dressed for church, lazily combing through my hair at the mirror above my dresser in my bedroom.

"I shouldn't even be taking you, but I want you to apologize to Harry now that you're sober. This is so pathetic, Athena. So, so unlike you. You go in there and you show Harry you're a good girl and you're sorry and it was a mistake on your part."