A.N: This 'un's replacing "a scene where I love my character's outfit." It also explains something of where I've been over the last 6 months.... The photo didn't come out very well, but this describes it somewhat. I tried to take a photo, but photos of spiritual moments never tend to work, I find. There should be a few more after this tonight. We'll see what happens, hm?
Love to you all,
Z xx
****I don't know about you, but recently I've found it far too hot round these parts recently. Exam halls are no fun at 25 degrees, and still, no tan. So you can imagine that I was mildly surprised to find myself with goosebumps in the car yesterday afternoon. It had been a boiling hot afternoon, spent in the park an hour's drive away, with my uncle, aunt and cousins, one being my godson to be, come August. But on the way back, the sunlight and warmth suddenly just went. The hairs on my arms stood on end, and I was set ashiver. Just as I was when my friends first took the blade upon themselves, as October became November, and Autumn became Winter.
Looking up, a dark cloud hovered above us in the car. The black cloud of depression. For a few long minutes, there was no let up in the darkness, and it looked like there would be no end to the pressure.
And then the sky was light again, and I thought we were out of it all, and eveything would be just fine once again. But before long, the cloud was back, thicker and blacker than ever, covering everything around us. That was February to April this year. When I spent whole weeks talking one 'friend' out of suicide, being put down, labelled not good enough by another, being stabbed in the back over and over again by both of them, and left to bleed. Falling through the net, I lost touch with the world, slipping down the familiar spiral into danger nights. For the first time in years, I wanted to die. And I made a massive mistake in first finding out what it was to hurt myself. Not with the blade, for that could be seen easily enough for what it was. I needed a more subtle approach.
And so I learnt how to throw myself into walls without bruising. How to scratch the skin off the back of my neck, deep nail gouges, sometimes even deep enough to be drawing blood, without leaving obvious marks. I found the true advantages of long hair, and hid behind it in more ways than one. It sounds like nothing when put into words, but those marks told a different story.
Just one year confirmed, and already, I was losing my hold on the hand of God. My hold was slipping, and, once again, just as I was about to fall, he sent a saviour or two in the form of three of my best friends. Without them, and without Him, I wouldn't be sitting here, that's for certain- probably still in therapy after a thought turned bad. When my grip was failing, my true friends held me up until I could get a better grasp, God willing us all the way.
And so, we get to now. Where the clouds were split open as they do in bad cartoons- opening so that light rays could fall over the rolling hills, and speaking to me. There was light on the horizon now; I could see the true end of it all. I'd been through the worst, and as the cloud began to be left behind, it put up a valiant chase. The battle isn't over yet, and may not be for a long while yet. But now I know that I can leave it behind, and move on, and I know how. Pulling into the light, into hope, into the future, I was filled with new hope.
I'm now closer to 3 months clean than 2, and despite being around triggers, I'm not going back. My friends know the warning signs if I need to get out of a situation, and I know that they are always there.
There is light at the end of the dusty tunnel, my friend, but we can't just say to God "Sort it."
We've got to do our side of the legwork too. It's not always easy, nor will it ever be, but it is possible. And God is always listening, and does what he can.
He sent me my friends, and, once again, my life was saved.
And so, on I go, along the road He has paved,
Jumping from stepping stone to rock as He has laid,
People may turn away, but new friends are made,
New faces to lead us along the way,To the dawn of a brighter day.
God bless you all, and thank you for listening. This is very personal, yes, but do ask me questions.
And I'm always here too.
Remember that.
For me.
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