Broken

Regret

This fan-fiction has really slow updates but im not giving up on it!!

Yoongi regrets everything. He wishes he was never born. He wishes he had never joined to be an idol. He wishes he never tried to kill himself there and then, although he really wanted to, he shouldn't have done it there. He regrets a lot of things, but he can never fix them.

The idol world is hard and he doesn't know why he had decided to join BTS instead of being a producer. Being a producer wouldn't be as hard as being an idol would (then again, nothing is easy in life). He wouldn't have all the stress and pressure on his shoulders if he was a producer. Having to act all happy in front of the camera, like everything is good in life. He wouldn't have to starve and go on diets all the time. He wouldn't have to practice 12 hours a day when they are approaching a comeback. He wouldn't have to act like the perfect person he has to be in society's eyes.

Maybe he joined because he wanted to be known to the world.

But being known to the world is scary as he has come to realize.

They follow everything that goes on in your life, and you have to act carefully and be cautious about what you do. For example, when he tried jumping off the bridge, there was of course people recording him on their phones. And of course someone called 119, of course someone had to get him help, of course some boat had to save him, OF COURSE WHATEVER HE FUCKING DOES GETS TOLD TO THE WORLD AND HE HAS TO FUCKING SURVIVE WHEN HE WOULD MUCH RATHER BE DEAD.

It's not that he doesn't care about the people who care about him, he knows they would be really sad if he's dead. But he can't live like this, he doesn't want to. He would try to leave the idol world behind, but even if he does that he would never be really be left alone. People would still follow him everywhere he goes and everything he does. His life would still be broadcasted to the world, the exact thing he wants to get away from.

He opens his eyes, sits up, and looks around the hospital room. Yoongi had woken up a while ago but didn't have the strength to get up, didn't even want to. He suddenly feels strong hands grip his shoulders and push him back into a laying position.

"Hyung!" The youngest member says gently and hesitantly like he doesn't know if Yoongi's gonna break or something.

"Yah! What are you doing!" He replies in an annoyed manner.
Jungkook looked at him weirdly, like he thinks the elder would be acting sad or crying. Not like he never tried to jump off a bridge.

"Sorry, hyung. I just don't want you to get hurt or strain your body too much". At that, the elder rolls his eyes in an annoyed manner.

"Stop treating me like I'm sick and fragile. I'm completely fine" he wasn't "God, this is why I don't tell anyone anything. They treat me like I'm going to break any second. Which I'm not." he said while glaring at the younger. He doesn't know if that's the only reason though.

Jungkook just stared back at him, not knowing what to say.

"I'm sorry, hyung" he finally whispered. A tear rolled down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away before Yoongi could see. But the elder did notice and his eyes softened.

"No, I should be the one sorry, Kook," he said sighing. "I shouldn't have made you all worry. And I'm sorry for yelling, I just hate being treated like I'm broken, even though I am. I just want to pretend like everything's fine for a while. People knowing my secret prevents me from it. Sorry for rambling, I just don't know what to say because I've never said this to anyone else before. It actually feels a bit nice to get it off my chest, haha." But it was also scary to get it off his chest. He felt like the others were going to betrey him, or use his secret to their advantage.

His emotions are all over the place.

Jungkook just stares at the elder in shock. Once again, not knowing what to say. Yoongi notices.

"How long have you been here, Jeongguk ah?" he asks.

"I-I don't know" Jungkook replies.

"It's been so long you can't even remember? Wow. You should go and get some rest.". Jungkook looks at him distrustingly.

"Don't worry I'm not going to do anything. If you're that worried then send someone else to look after me, even though I don't need it."
Jungkook sighs and pulls out his phone, he sends a quick message and looks back up at Yoongi.

"Hyung, Namjoon hyung will be here soon, I will leave once he gets here."

At least it wasn't the others. Jin hyung would bombard him with questions and others would be too clingy and he isn't in the mood for their energy. Namjoon is understanding and sensible and he knows when he's crossing the line. He's thankful that Jungkook chose to send Namjoon. He just wanted to be alone and wallow in his self-hatred, but he knew the others wouldn't allow that. So he has to continue to put up a facade.

"Does Namjoon know that I'm awake?" he asks.

"No, I told him that I was tired and wanted to freshen up. I assume you don't want everyone coming in here at once?"

"Yeah, thanks for being so understanding, Kook ah. I'm thankful, more thankful than I can put in words." he says, replying with a small smile on his face. "I'm also really sorry for making you worry."

"Hyung.... can you promise me one thing?" Jungkook asks hesitantly.

"Mmm, depends on what it is"

"C-can you not try to....do what you did last night ever again, and ask us for help when you need it. You know we would be more than happy to help. We're all family after all." Jungkook says in a small voice, staring at the floor.

Yoongi thinks for a moment and opens his mouth to reply. Thankfully, Namjoon decided to open the door and step in before Yoongi has to reply. He doesn't want to promise anything because who knows what he might do.

"Hyung! You're awake!" Namjoon says surprised and grateful.

"Hello to you too, Namjoon ah" he replies, chuckling a bit. Why does smiling hurt?

"I will be going now, Yoongi hyung, Namjoon hyung." and with that Jungkook walks to the door and before leaving, sends a pleading look to Yoongi. The words don't have to be said aloud for Yoongi to know what the younger wants, but Yoongi doesn't know if he can give it.

"How are you feeling, hyung?" Namjoon asks softly.

"Like my usual self. Broken, dead, regretful, wanting to die" he says with a humourless laugh. Namjoon frowns.

"Why didn't you tell us how you were feeling? You know you can trust us."

"I don't know" he lies.

Namjoon sighs. Yoongi can tell the younger doesn't know what to say.

"Can we please stop talking? I think I'm getting a headache and I just want to sleep. You can leave if you want, I'm not going anywhere nor am I going to do anything.

"You know I cant take your word on that considering what you did last night"

"Can I at least sleep?"

"Be my guest"

And with that, Yoongi drifts off into a deep sleep consisting of nightmares and what he will awake to.

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Meanwhile, in the world outside of that hospital room. ARMY's are freaking out and bawling their eyes out, scared and worried about the idol whom they look up to. Scared of how he feels and worried about what is going to happen to him. They just hope Yoongi will be fine.