I'm So Vain

26

I was itching to run when I got home, but I knew the pain it would inflict wouldn't be worth the relief of my feet on the pavement. I turned the shower on and searched the cabinet under my bathroom sink for the shower gel Penny had given me a few weeks ago. I stepped into the shower and as the water fell over my scarred, broken body, I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes. I didn't know what to do with myself. My friends were no longer my friends, my relief was no longer relieving, and my face was no longer familiar. From morning until night, all I thought about was how I looked, how people were looking at me. And now I could no longer take care of my flaws; no longer hide them behind my strong suits. This was how I protected myself, how I got what I wanted, how I survived. And now it was gone. I sunk to the floor and let my wet face get wetter with my steadily streaming stears. 

 I didn't bother entering the cafeteria the next day, but instead headed straight for the girls' bathroom. On the way, though, my eyes fell on the library. I stopped in my path and debated with myself for a moment before walking in that direction. Other than a couple of nerds as well as stoners trying to pack information into their heads for a test they hadn't studied for, the room was empty. I found an open table closest to the farthest corner from the door and dropped my bag on the floor there. I pulled out a chair and sat down, my eyes scanning the room around me; checking to see if anyone was staring. Everyone's eyes were in their books, and I reassuredly looked down to my bag, opening it and searching for any kind of entertainment. I settled on my phone eventually, though I didn't know who I'd text now that none of the people I spoke to were speaking to me. My eyes fell on Nicole in my contacts, who had given my her number after play practice one day, and my stomach twisted. I bit my lip for a moment and then clicked her number and typed out a, 

hey. howre things w sweeney?

I didn't expect a quick reply, but about ten seconds later my phone buzzed and I clicked 'open' to read

hi! great..whereve u been? didnt hear from u or c u so figured u bailed?

I sighed and thought about what to write back. "Sorry, I haven't been to play practice 'cause I got in a car accident and now my face is deformed?"

i was in an accdnt. jst got out of the hospitl yestrdy 

My phone buzzed even faster this time,

omg! r u ok?

I bit my lip and felt stupid for the tears in my eyes. I watched a stoner rubbing his own eyes, trying hopelessly to stay awake and digest a month's worth of information in forty-five minutes. Then I wrote,

not rly

She took longer to respond this time. I wasn't sure she would bother. After all, what's a not-so-close friend supposed to reply to something like that? Finally, my phone buzzed, and she said, 

wut happened?

I was going to cry now, I knew I was, so I threw my phone in my bag and ran to the girls' room. My stomach, or I guess my broken ribs, were burning inside of me, and just when I was about to lock myself in a stall and search my bag for advil and kleenex, Emmaline walked in. Our eyes met, she opened her mouth, and then she turned and left. I turned and fell to my knees, barfing into the toilet. By the time I had cried myself out and and cleaned myself off, my body was aching, the bell was ringing, and before I went to class I texted Nicole quickly,

class. sry. ill ttyl.

Then I pushed open the bathroom door to enter hell again.