The Last Lieutenant

These Good-Byes Are Never Ending

By the time she can sneak away, she is three hours late.

"I'm sorry,"  She bursts out, as soon as she heaves herself up onto the tree house floor.  The motion is so sudden it makes Fred jump, and even though he normally tries to pretend that nothing shocks him, this time he only stands there and stares at her, hands hanging at his sides.  "I'm sorry, I tried, but Emmeline-,"

She had this whole explanation ready, but before she can get more than a few words out, Fred has crossed the few feet of space between them and grabbed her by the waist, pulling Audra up against him and kissing her like he never thought he would see her again, like if this was a movie this would be their first kiss and their good-bye moment all wrapped into one.

"Hey."  Audra says, when they finally break apart and he loosens his grip on her.  He has ducked down to rest his head in the dip where her neck meets her shoulders, and beneath her hands, Audra can feel him shaking.  "It's alright."  She tries to make him look at her but he only leans further against her, making her scrabble for balance on the wooden walls.  "I'm okay, Fred.  I'm here now."

"I was just thinking.  About how late it was getting.  And I kept telling myself that it was taking you so long because you were being safe, but then I thought about how what if that wasn't it."  When he finally does look at her, its like his whole face is made of water- watering eyes and wavering smile and a face that has been hollowed out by months of fear.  "And about how even when you did get here, there would still be another time, and another time, and another time after that, where I would have to sit here and tell myself that everything was fine, that you were fine, but not really knowing, because I've actually got no idea where you are or what you're doing or when I'm going to see you again, you know?"

She knew.  She knew because she thinks that about him, sometimes, when she hears about another battle with the Order or listens to the name Weasley be used like it means something filthy, when she sits through meetings where they try to tally up who Harry's closest protectors are and the names of his friends crop up.  But she also knows that however bad it is for her it is infinitesmally worse for Fred, who watches her leave every night without complaint, who takes her word that she is taking no extra risks, who knows she is doing things that would hurt him to hear about but must trust her that it is for all the right reasons.

Audra loves him for that, for feeling how he does and not once telling her that it isn't fair.  But she knows somewhere, deep down, there is a part of him that hates her for it.

"And what about the last time?"  He is talking louder than they ever have in this tree house, because despite all the charms he and George have placed around it, all the defenses that Audra herself has constructed, they still do not trust that it will stay hidden forever.  "That time that I sit here forever and you don't show up, and I find out a weeks from then that you never were going to come, because you got hurt doing something I didn't even know was happening?"

"I'm sorry."  Audra doesn't cry often, but if she had it in her, she would be crying now, for herself and this boy who loves her more than he should and all the things that keep pulling her apart.  "I'm sorry that it has to be this way."

"I know."  He presses her back to him, like he can't bear to even have her that far away.  "I know it has to be."

He's pressing his lips to her forehead, over and over again, and she has her hands knotted in the front of his flannel shirt, holding on so tight that the buttons are digging into her palms.  "Maybe we just don't talk about it?"  She looked up at him (he is still taller than her, the only thing that has stayed the same) and he shakes his head.  His eyes are closed but the tears are still slipping out.  "Just for one night, Fred.  One night where we pretend that everything's okay."

"What's left?"  When he laughs, the sound is hollow.  "All we are is this war."

"No."  That's wrong.  This war is all I am, maybe all I've ever been.  You're the one who always existed outside of it, who still is outside of it, with the shop and you family and George.  "I loved you before this war and I'm going to love you after.  Remember that?  Remember everything- Hogsmeade and Myrtle's stall and nights on your roof where you showed me constellations that I would never remember, how much we cared about each other even before we knew what it was that we were feeling?"  She shakes him, just one sharp tug on the front of his shirt.  "With or with out the war, this would have happened."

"I know."  He scrubs his hand across his face like that might wash all his worries away.  "I know, and I'm sorry."

"This is the only thing that I know is real anymore."  It's the truth that Audra keeps avoiding, about how when you live a lie, you start losing sight of where the story ends and you began, like they might be blurring to become one and the same.  "You're the only thing I believe in."