I awoke the next morning feeling slightly better than usual. I had suffered from no nightmares during the night, and I wished that would be the first night of many to come. Regardless, I felt an ever present heaviness in my limbs, proving that my sleep had not been as healing as I had hoped.
After having gone to the bathroom, brushing my teeth and washing my face, my thoughts turned towards my brother. I hoped that this morning he was feeling better, and that whatever had been troubling him yesterday no longer distressed him. I realized that that was not the case when I knocked and opened the door to his room.
He sat bolt upright in bed, his fingers tapping away madly on the keyboard of his laptop sitting on his knees. "Hi, Bryn." He stated monotonously without even glancing at me in his doorway. I walked in, and when I got close enough to see what he viewing on the computer, he shut his laptop quickly, and looked at me, placing an uncomfortable smile upon his face.
I nodded then as an expression of understanding dawned on my face, knowing I was being kept in the dark for a period longer than he had ever left me in. He rubbed at his eyes, and after gauging his state based solely on appearance, I came to the conclusion that he had not slept a single minute during the night.
Just as I opened my mouth to ask if he was doing okay, he motioned with his hand for me to remain silent. He then said, "I know you'd love to know what I'm researching, but Bryn, please, just this once, stay out of it." Ouch. His words hurt. I cared for him, and here he was asking, no, telling me, to stop caring?
"You know, Matt, if you hadn't have told me to shut up, I was going to ask if you were okay, not if I could be let in on your little secret. I care about you on a deeper level than one where I believe all your petty problems must be discussed with me. I've known you long enough to know that if you have something to tell me, you'll tell me. But that doesn't mean that I'm okay with being oblivious to your state of mind as well. Are you okay?" I asked, wondering if he was even going to let his sister know that little.
He looked up at me then, an expression of surprise and remorse on his face. "I'm sorry, Bryn. I didn't mean it like that... I've just got a lot on my mind, and I don't want you to worry yourself about inconsequential things." He paused, holding my gaze. His eyes softened and his smiled returned. "Thanks Bryn, I'm doing okay."
He stood up, a head taller than me. I stared at his broad, naked chest as he reached out and squeezed my shoulder with his hand, comforting me with a firm touch. Perhaps he believed that somehow his immense physical strength could spread to my mental and emotional state, and I'd be okay too.
I smiled at him, disobeying my feelings. To be honest, I felt like crying, just as I had always felt like doing recently. "Thanks for understanding, Bryn." He turned away and rummaged around in the dresser that stood up to my right. I watched him, feeling emotionally drained as he pulled on a clean, folded shirt. He turned around to face me and said, "All right, well as much as I'd love for you to stand there and watch me undress-" I cut him off suddenly. "Yeah, yeah. I'm as good as gone." I heard him laugh as I closed the door behind me, but something was off. His laughter was tense, filled with a strain of stress my brother had never acquired before.
I sighed, walking down his spiral staircase, and heading towards the kitchen, hoping to make both of us breakfast. I walked past the back wall of windows, and noticed that the sky was a dull gray today, the sun nowhere in sight. I smiled honestly for once, having always been one to love dreary, wet weather.
After reaching the kitchen, I opened the cupboard closest to me, and was delighted to find that on the top row was a box of pancake mix. Me and Matt hadn't eaten pancakes in what felt like ages, and I knew he enjoyed them, so I figured I'd give it a try. After searching everywhere else for other ingredients and measuring cups, I prepared the batter. When that was done, I placed a new frying pan on the oven's stove top and turned up the heat.
