Angels Of Hope

Chapter 9: The Letter

As Tanner and I got the kids and bags of school clothes and supplies up to the apartment, Derek told Tanner that if there was anything that we needed that all we needed to do is holler for him and he would come running. As Tanner opened the door, on the table by the entryway was a dozen red roses and a box of chocolates.

"Did you do this?" I asked.

"No, I have been with you all day," Tanner said.

As I checked the roses, a corner of an envelope peeked out from the middle of the bouquet. I took the envelope with shaking hands. I glanced at Tanner. He had the expression that conveyed to me that would be there for me if I needed him. I recognized the handwriting on the envelope. It was none other than my husband, Jace Williams.

I went to the couch, and as I sat down, silence entered the apartment. I took my grandmother's letter opener and opened the letter.

My Dearest Letty,

I want to say that I am sorry for what I did to you and our children. I apologize that I kept wondering if you still smell my scent in your bed sheet like how I do with yours on mine. I'm sorry I could never stop falling for you although you're gone. I loved the late night talks. I loved your homemade brownies. I loved the unexpected back hugs, but I hated the paranoia. I was not too fond of the doubt we felt for each other.

I would not say I liked the way I felt like nothing when you weren't with me. We saw it coming. We felt the end creeping behind our backs. However, we turned a blind eye to it. We kept our mouths shut and let it destroy us in one big blow than acknowledging it and coming to terms with it and here we are.

I saw love in effort and material. You saw love in actions and gestures. We both loved each other equally, but we didn't see love the same way. I thought we built our bond in love and understanding, but I realize we didn't. We created it in proximity and touch. The farther we had gone away from each other, the more we forgot how to love each other.

I want you to know that I'll always lay in my bed awake and think about you and what could have been. I want you to know that a piece of me will be you. I want you to know that I'll never stop loving you. I never wanted to hurt you. I hope you understand, but there are some lessons we can learn from failure and pain.

Thank you for all the loving words and caring gestures. Thank you for what we had, but I'm sorry that we had something and that we don't have it anymore. I hope that you can accept my apology.

Love Always,
Your husband, Jace

As I finished reading it, tears fell to my fair cheeks. It was as if Jace was the same person that I met when my dad got stationed at Parris Island. So caring and loving, but that could also be his way of trying to manipulate me into going back with him to Arizona. As I put it down, Tanner sat across from me at the table, expressing concern.

"Are you going to be okay?" Tanner said.

"Why did you make me say that?" I asked.

"Because I wanted to make sure."

"I will be okay. I wish Jace would get the clue and leave us alone."

"I can understand that, but I am here for you and the children."

"Yes, you are. With that, I am grateful."

"You know you can't do this alone."

I tried to calm my shaking hands. "Yes, I know that, but that is why you are here, right?"

"Yes, ma'am. After all, you are my best friend."

There are times that I wish that I could go back to my husband and then there are times that I think that I am over it. Him. I mean, partly. I'm getting there; that's the main thing to pride myself, except I'd be lying again.

Without warning, something burned in my throat. I thought it was nothing at first, but the thought of my husband in my house was enough to send me running to the bathroom. I hurled the contents from lunch into the toilet. I sat there, trying to collect my bearings. Tanner came in with a glass of water.

As I sat in the bathroom to try and collect my bearings, Tanner came in with a glass of water. What could have made me sick? It couldn't be food poisoning because everyone in my house would be sick.

"Letty I know you have a lot going on right now, but is there any chance that you could be pregnant?" Tanner asked.