Immortal (boy x boy)

Part 23

The next few days were practically heaven. Haruki's parents were trying their best to spend time with him. Of course, they usually ended up falling asleep. But at least they tried. We had a lot of fun. I didn't think I'd ever laughed this much in my whole life. After a while, it stopped being awkward. They seemed to accept me as part of the family, which made me undeniably happy. Having my love's parents accept me was amazing, even though they didn't know I loved him. I was going to talk to Haruki soon, tell him how I felt. However, that was easier said than done. Especially considering I'd always been a coward.

Everyday, I tried to work up the nerve to tell him. And each day, I failed. For some reason, I felt as if time was running out. I became desperate. Yet, I still couldn't get the words out. What was wrong with me? All I needed to do was tell him the truth. Even though I knew it wouldn't, I felt as if telling him would ruin what we already had. What if he didn't feel the same? Could I handle that? When I realized I couldn't, I became even more reluctant. This wasn't something I should drag my feet about, but I couldn't help it. I kept second-guessing myself. This wasn't something I wanted to screw up, so I had to be careful. But maybe that was just an excuse for my cowardice. Why was it so hard?

So, despite what I knew in my heart, I kept quiet. I struggled, but said nothing. If only I would've had the courage to admit my feelings. How could I have believed he wouldn't feel the same? After all we'd been through together? And yet, I still didn't fully believe that I deserved someone as great as him. That was the problem of parental neglect and abuse. You had low self-esteem. Nothing could cure it, not even a decade or two of being told you were perfect. I was terrified of what would happen. The future is a fearful thing. Somewhere inside my heart, I still believe this was a dream. It still thought Haruki was a figment of my imagination, something to keep me alive. It was weak, but still able to alter my thoughts occasionally.

I was sure Haruki noticed my unusual behavior. He'd sometimes glance at my out of the corner of his eyes. I couldn't help it. I had a secret I didn't want to keep anymore, but couldn't find the words to speak it. And I hated myself for that. I hated that I couldn't just man up and get it out there. It was frustrating. I thought that I'd changed. I thought that Haruki had changed me. But I was the same worthless coward I was back then. Spending almost a year with him apparently did nothing. Except make me fall in love with him. I loved him so much, it made my heart ache. Especially since I couldn't tell him that. Keeping it in was killing me.

"Hiro, are you okay?" Haruki asked me one day.

"Me? I'm fine." He gave me a skeptical look. "Honestly." I stood up. "I'm going to go for a walk."

"Want me to come along?"

"No, that's fine. You should stay here and hang out with your parents."

"Are you sure?" I simply waved at him and exited the house. I knew I was acting cruel, but I needed some time alone. Spending all my time in the same house as him, with these feelings trapped inside, was driving me crazy. I had to get some fresh air and think it all through. And maybe gather up what little courage I had. I had to tell him soon, that much was obvious. I should've told him ages ago. I walked down the street. People passed by me without a glance. Not that I wasn't already used to this treatment. Actually, it was better than what I was used to.

I kept my head down and my hands in my pockets. That way, I wouldn't draw unwanted attention. However, that was probably why I didn't notice him at first. I just wasn't paying enough attention myself. I felt his hand grab my arm. It was familiar, mostly in the strength he used to hold me. I'd felt this crushing grip numerous times. It was unmistakable.

"So, I've finally found you. Where have you been hiding, boy?" My heart rate skyrocketed. I might have gotten away from him, but his presence still terrified me. That would never change. I'd always feel like a little kid again, unable to defend myself. I opened my mouth, but nothing other than a frightened squeak escaped. I was frozen in fear. A fear that would never abate. My breathing was erratic, betraying that terror. There I was, yet again showing my complete lack of spine. Even then, I still couldn't stand up for myself.

"Hey," a familiar voice called out. I couldn't turn to see who I was, but I knew Haruki had joined us. "Let him go. You don't want me to make a scene, do you?"

My father glanced around nervously. Reluctantly, he released his grip on my arm. "This isn't over."

"Yes, it is." Haruki led me away, keeping an eye on my father. He walked me all the way back home. Funny, how I referred to his place as home. But, they said 'home is where the heart is' and my heart rested with Haruki. He said nothing as he steered me to his room. I was practically a rag doll. I didn't realize I was trembling until Haruki wrapped his arms around me. We simply sat there, holding each other, as I calmed down. I could never explain the feeling I had when I held this precious person. It was everything all at once. I never wanted to let him go. It just felt...right. Being with him was the most amazing thing.

I wished we could stay like that forever. I'd never get tired of being around him. My heart throbbed anytime I looked in his direction. Why did it take me so long to realize it was love? Maybe because I'd never felt that emotion before. Maybe because I'd never thought I deserved to feel it. No one in my life had ever given me a reason to believe in myself, until Haruki. I'd never known the world could be so beautiful until him. Without him, I'd be nothing. Without him, I'd be lost in the darkness. This blond had lit up my existence. I wasn't alone anymore. I'd give anything to stay with him forever. I turned to him, finally working up the nerve to speak my heart.