Master

Remember me

(Cas memory)

Hey, Cas

I'm probably going to feel a total ass later for writing this, but I guess nothing beats being prepared.

Shit, I started this and I don't even know what the hell I'm saying.

But, well, the thing is – if tonight goes down like I think it will, I have to be able to explain to you.

I had a dream last night. No, not a dream – a warning. A warning I can't ignore. And I have to decide what I'm going to do about it.

You know, I've always considered these visions a curse. I couldn't save Anna. They're painful. They hurt – in more ways than just physical. And I fear what they mean, could mean, about me. Most of the time, I hate them. But now – I am grateful. I've been given a chance many people don't get. To stop what will become. And if I can stop what I saw last night in my dream, I will have been blessed by this gift.

Cas, I saw you die.

So there it is. And now, I have a choice. What do I do? I debated whether to tell you, but I don't know whether it will happen tonight, tomorrow or in ten years time. All I saw was the light fade away from your face, and there was nothing I could do.

But if I don't tell you now, there will be. Something I can do, I mean. Something you would never let me do, if you knew. Maybe I can stop it. Maybe neither of us has to… well, you never know. I'll try. Shit, this is all messed up.

I'm sorry, Cas. I'm just so, so sorry, more than I could ever express. For leaving you. And for doing what I am about to do now. To take the coward's way out.

You see, I'm not strong – I couldn't do it. Losing Darren, losing you? But after this, well, I can see the two of you together better than I can see you and me. You always were the glue that held us together, no matter how hard I tried to break it apart. What I'm trying to say is – my whole life you've done everything for me. Brought me up when I was down, protected me, been my one constant, my touchstone. I never existed without you in my life. So let me do this for you now.
There was Dean without Cas once.
This is my gift. There are no strings attached. You don't have to go save the world to validate it. Just be yourself, be Cas. You can even drink yourself to death if you want to (although you'd better not). I hope you live your life, meet all the pretty boys you want and get the joy you always seem to get, out of even the smallest things. I always envied and loved that about you. The joy you took from life's minutiae, as well as the other, bigger stuff. I hope you will always have that joy.

Don't hate me for doing this to you, and know that I'm sorry. But I have to.

Thanks for being my boyfriend.

~Dean

I sit down in the mud clutching his body close to me in my arms. Looking into my Dean's eyes I see his pain. The suffering he's going through right now. I feel tears threatening to fall from my own eyes. Clearing my throat, I blink them away. I know I have to be strong right now, he needs me to be strong. I owe him that much.

''You're gonna be okay Dean. The ambulance is coming.'' I assure him. I try to sound calm and confident but on the inside I'm terrified. He probably knows that.

His hand moves to hold the side of my jacket. ''Cas..'' His voice is weak. ''I..'' He trails off.

''Dean you're fine. You're not gonna die okay? You cant die.'' Tears stream down my face now. ''You promised me. You promised you wouldn't leave me.'' I look again at the huge gash in his stomach, pushing the blood soaked cloths down on it harder.

''I'm sorry Cas..'' Dean whispers to me, his voice broken.

My heart shatters right there. He always feels like he's responsible for me. Even now, as he's lying in the dirt dying, he still only thinks about me. His eyelids begin to droop. Blinks lasting longer and longer each time he closes them. ''Dean no, you gotta keep your eyes on me okay?''

He tries to give me a smile but I can tell he's in too much pain. ''I'm tired Cas.''

''Dean come on, you have to hold on. I need you.''

He shakes his head at me slowly. ''You're strong. You'll be okay.''

''No. Dean you've always been the strong one. You have to be strong now. You cant just give up. Help's coming.''

''It's too late Cas..'' His voice is getting quieter and quieter everytime he speaks. ''I..'' His breath catches in his throat. His tight grip on my jacket loosens.

''You what Dean?'' He doesn't answer me. ''Dean?'' I shout, shaking his body but he doesn't respond.

He's dead. My boyfriend, my hero, the guy who I've looked up to my whole life is gone. He's the only thing that keeps me going. The only reason I have to get up in the mornings. I look into his eyes. They're not the usual bright green, playful eyes I know. No longer are they glinting with mischeif. Now they're dark. Lifeless. Why did this have to happen to him? It's always him.

I can't breath anymore. I feel as though I'm going to be sick. I want to scream but I can't seem to make a sound. I think back to when we were younger, a time when we were happier. I cry harder. I blink through my tears and listen to something off in the distance. Sirens. The ambulance. Two minutes earlier they might have saved him. ''They might have saved both of us..'' I say to myself quietly. My eyes move from Dean's face to the spot where his gun lays, right beside him. I pick it up and hold it to the side of my head.

''I'd have done anything for this to be different Dean. I'm so sorry.'' I choke on my own tears. ''I love you Dean.'' Then everything goes black.

Sorry that this is short but writing this made me cry but I hope you guys like it. I will be continuing this story. Alright until next time ^~¡^