Missing Pieces

Chapter Five

Carl stayed in Ricks lap, face hidden in his neck, nails digging into his shoulders. He was crying but he didn't make any noise. Under Ricks arms and against his chest Carl just shook. Every once in a while he would take a shaky breath and wipe his eyes, but that was it. They stayed like that, clinging to each other. It almost felt as if everything was okay again. Rick was with his son, the one thing he wanted. Carl was safe and alive and there. This was all Rick wanted, this is what he begged for when he prayed to whatever god was listening.

"Carl..." Rick whispered, pulling his son closer. "My boy... you're okay." He kissed his forehead, pressing his lips to a combination of warm skin and bandages. "He..." Negan cut Carls eye out and made him eat it. Negan touched his son. Rick gripped Carl so hard it must have hurt, but if it did Carl didn't say anything. "I'm gonna kill him..." Within seconds Carl fell back against the couch while Rick stood up, grabbing all of Carls weapons. Gun. Knife. Even a second knife that was out in the open. "Don't come outside no matter what you hear."

Carl grabbed Rick by the wrist and pulled him back. "Dad, dad, hey..." He stepped in front of Rick, smiling. "Look at me, okay? Look at me. Don't..." Carl closed his eye before opening it and looking up at Rick. "Dad, I've seen it all. I know its bad... I've seen bad and I've done it. You... you can't protect me anymore." He kissed Ricks cheek and cupped his face like Carl was six years old again and Rick was crying over another dumb fight. "Don't leave me again... I... Dad, I can't lose you. I won't lose you." His fingers curled around the gun Rick gripped and pulled it away. "Please, just sit down..."

Rick looked down at his son, nodding. "What made you..." The idea of anything bad happening to Carl made Rick sick. He didn't want to know, but a small part of him did. He wanted to hear the horror that happened when he wasn't there as punishment. How it felt to have Negan scoop his eye out and how it felt to choke it down while shaking and crying. Rick closed his eyes and shook his head. "Carl, he is... he isn't good. This isn't the time to date some guy to spite me. This is... this is life or death. It's serio-"

"I shot mom." Carl was looking down at he ground. The flannel he wore was big on him, swallowing him whole. His shoes were too small and torn up. His jeans clung to his hips but fell loose around his legs. "She got pregnant... and she had to have me by C-section. The man who was supposed to do it was bit and... she wanted to save the baby. Maggie, the woman in charge of supplies, cut her open and got Judith out. She wasn't going to make it so... she had already passed out from blood loss so... so I kissed her head and shot her. I didn't want the disease getting her," Tears fell from his cheeks. He looked like a child again. "I'm sorry, daddy."

Sorry wasn't what Carl should be saying, not under thos circumstance. Sorry is what little boys say when they do something they aren't supposed to, like stay up too late or steal some candy from the store. Sorry should not spill from his sons soft pink lips only moments after telling his dad that he killed his mom, his wife. Rick nodded, looking at Carl. There wasn't much to say. His boy had to grow up too fast. His boy had to either watch his mom die or be the one to kill her. In a twisted way, Rick would have done the same. Watching the person you love suffer is more painful than pulling a trigger.

"Don't be sorry..." Rick curled his fingers around the back of Carls neck and pulled him into his chest. He kissed his cheek and held him close, swaying them back and forth as if Carl was a toddler again and Rick was rocking him to sleep. "You didn't do anything wrong. I don't hate you. I'm not angry... I just need you to know that." The idea of Carl beating himself up for killing his mother made Ricks knees weak in all the wrong ways. "I'm glad I still got you. I need you, Carl. More than anyone or anything else. You... you and only you made me survive this."

"Shane said you were dead..." Soft fingertips bumped against Ricks jaw. Warm hands slid across his neck and up through his hair. "Said he listened for a heartbeat and got nothing. Said you told him to protect us." If Rick knew anything about Shane it was that he would never let anyone hurt Carl. That included Negan. If Shane were alive, Negan would be dead. Probably would have his head mounted on the wall. "I... daddy, I killed him too. He started hurting mom and I just... I was the only one who could protect her, not Shane-" Carl was sobbing now. Gasping for air and clinging to Rick as if he was drowning. "He kept telling me you were dead. I used to pray to the angels and ask for you to bring them back but he told me there were no angels and that you were probably a walker."