moon-bound ♤ wolfstar

chapter//twenty

and it was in this chapter i realized... that sirius and remus will always hold a special place in my heart

//

They didn't do anything big for James' funeral. They sent an owl home to Minerva McGonagall stating his death along with Peter's and Marlene's without going into much detail. His parents had passed away four months after James had graduated, and the closest thing to another parent was McGonagall. They did hold a small funeral a couple days later, just the three of them. They also buried him there, as they couldn't exactly bring him back to his home.

As for Peter and Marlene, they did the same, except Marlene was only buried and not wished a farewell. Despite Peter being a traitorous asshole, they included him in the small funeral. Remus cried the most, Lily was a close second because she only cried for James. Remus cried for all of them, he was responsible for their deaths. He cried for his best friend and the first person to accept him for who he was. He cried for his friend who respected him and praised him, the one who brought him chocolate after the full moons.

And he cried for the girl he once hated, the girl he'd envied for having Sirius's attraction and attention at a time he didn't. The girl who, once upon a time, was young and full of ideas and dreams, the one who grew up and traveled down the wrong path. He had bitten her and given her a curse to endure every full moon for the rest of her (short) life. No one deserved that, not even someone like Marlene.

He also cried for himself and everyone else these deaths affected because it was his fault, he knew. But he didn't let Sirius and Lily know he thought this, they were so dead set on assuring him it wasn't his fault and it was just a series of coincidences. Despite not wanting to say anything, being married to someone whose new goal was to make sure everything was okay definitely made it hard to keep secrets. No one was handling it well, no one was happy, but Remus knew Sirius suspected something more going on with him.

And of course, Sirius would find out eventually. And, of course, he did. It was after they went home, since there were now only three they kept the small house they had lived in with James and Peter, but it now felt much bigger and melancholy. Lily returned to her room she'd shared with James, and Remus and Sirius went to the room they had shared with Peter. Now the one bathroom felt fine, the small kitchen fitted, and they were all sad.

It was late one night, as all sad things and confessions seemed to be, they were on the floor and Remus was held close to Sirius's chest while the older boy ran his finger's through Remus's hair. They were sharing a room with a sobbing Lily who didn't want to be alone, who was currently sleeping soundly on the bed. Remus felt like he was going to start crying, he didn't deserve Sirius's comfort, he was the reason James was dead in the first place.

Nothing would've been said if Remus hadn't actually started crying.

He always was a silent and discrete crier, so Sirius probably wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't felt warm tears on his chest as his husband cried. Sirius didn't say anything at first, he only pulled Remus closer and placed a kiss on the top of his head, burying his nose into the mop of brown hair. Remus only pushed away at the gesture.

"It's my fault," Remus murmured, scooting back from Sirius. "My fucking fault." Sirius didn't let him get far, he stretched out his arms and pulled Remus pack into his arms, Remus wasn't happy about it and continued to fight him through his tears. "Fuck off, Sirius, I'll just hurt you too!" Remus whimpered, finally managing to get away from Sirius, who looked like a wounded puppy.

"No, you won't!" Sirius insisted, scrambling to his feet after Remus, following him into the kitchen. Remus spun around and glared at Sirius. Both were frightened by the other, both were sad and both needed comfort only the other could give. Remus let out a shaky sigh, and for a moment Sirius thought maybe he had convinced him.