SORROW

SORROW NO MORE JOY

The class hates me.

The school hates me.

The country hates me.

The world hates me.

I am Joy, but I don't think that my name suits me. 

Any name with the meaning of happiness does not suit me.

I blame myself.

I hate myself.

I do whatever a normal depressed teenager does when he or she is depressed.

Wallow in self-pity and cut myself.

Don't tell me what to do.

You're just like my mom. And counsellers. And teachers.

It's all because of my PSLE results.

All because of that!!

242.

I take Higher Mother Tongue, but I barely passed. And that earned me 0 extra points.

242.

242!!!

I could not stand a chance t get into Raffles Girls', where the girl scholars, which I am one, have joined!

Not even River Valley High, not even NUS High! Not even MGS, my second option!!

I studied, alright, I studied like hell was descending upon me, and the results I got were the shittiest I have ever seen!!

Especially in my class.

My class was the best class in the level, and none of us ever gotten remedial or a mere A.

We were awesome. Everyone did not need to study to earn themselves a nice, neat A*.

Or so everyone thought.

I studied. When they played Mobile Legends on their computers and phones.

I strained to practice when they started the Clash Royale craze.

I cried when I got a B in everything in CA while they arrogantly discussed their marks and compared them in front of me.

I regained my marks in SA1, P6, and joined the group of female classmates whose marks topped the whole Singapore.

I thought they, my fellow classmates were the same as me- but they were far, far, away from me.

They crazed over K-POP idols that I also started to like, every day, without a care for work at all. They only talked about schoolwork for about a sentence when I speak up and ask them.

Then I knew how far away I was from my fellow friends. I had a long, long way to go. 

I studied, I pushed myself to have a night of 5 hours of rest to practice, going through past year PSLE papers repeatedly, using my money to buy assessment books.... just to study.

I thought my hard work would pay off. See what I have now.

242. Far from my expectations, far from 270, or for the record, 268.

I wanted to jump down already. Cut myself with a penknife in my school bathroom. Slashed my hands until the thing was coloured crimson with my blood. 

What stopped me was my friends.

Kandra, the top scholar in my class. 

Ariel, my number one competitor and the person I look up to for years to come.

Charlotte, my friend whom never gave up on me.

I could not bear to leave them just like that.

So I did not.

And look what it did to me.

*sigh*.

I'm doomed in Justice Secondary School.