SORROW

In The Toilet, In The Toilet

Guess what?

I got a new penknife.

Yay.

I'm in the toilet, after school.

It is super obvious what I'm doing here.

I pushed up the knob and the trusty metal blade stuck out. Man, I sure missed my old penknife. The bloodstained end seems so familiar and ever so friendly.

This new one had a sharper end, a glossy tip that looked menacing. I have no idea why I feel so scared. I've done this before! Like, over a thousand times?

I rolled my finger tips over the bumpy surface of my hand, feeling the scars and lumps of healing skin. I ran my fingers over the skin over and over again.

Okay.

Okay.

I am ready.

I gritted my teeth and shut my eyes tight. Those poisonous words came washing back over me like a tidal wave, over and over again. A female voice, Glenda's, two male voices, Luke and Jenson's, and a, no, not a voice but a harrumph from Kyle.

"She got twenty out of twenty," the feminine voice sent shivers up my spine as she scoffed in her ridiculous British accent." Again!" 

I tried to shut the image of her away, but to no avail.

"Again." Jenson  agreed and he made his paper into a paper ball before throwing it towards the back of the classroom. My eyes start flooding with uncontrollable tears, but my vision of the classroom did not blur.

" She keeps cheatin', the little shit," Luke yawned as his piercing eyes blamed me. " If she is not, she is definitely using black magic, the b she is." Tears rolled down my face and dripped onto the new and fresh wounds that I have just created with my new penknife. It stung.

I opened my eyes before the last part could make my tear glands create more tears to sting my wounds even more. Really, the wounds hurt. It was the part when Kyle harrumphed.

Don't get me wrong. I don't care about him.

It's just that it is a really big surprise to me. When Kyle harrumphed,  I was reminded of the time when Luke threw the chair at my table. he helped me back then. He stood up for me when I did not really need it that moment. The moment when he was just a mere by-stander. When he was not really involved.

Well, now he is. And all he does, the boy who always seems to help me for some unknown reason, is harrumph!!

I dug the penknife deeper into my arm.

This was going to be a hard year.