Better Than Words

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When I wake up, Sam is nudging me and plopping down on my bed.

"Wake up sleepyhead!" she says playfully.

I sit up, and immediately I feel my head begin to throb. I shut my eyes and rub my temples, desperate to relieve the pressure.

"Everything okay...? I got in late last night to finish packing, and you were already asleep. You were tossing and turning though, and making a lot of noise...it sorta sounded like you were crying." She occupies her hands with a stray thread on my comforter to make the personal question a little less awkward. She's never done well with feelings.

Crying? Well, that would explain the headache.

"It was probably just a bad dream. I don't really remember anything though." I'm thankful that I don't. But whatever it was, it couldn't have been worse that the reality of what happened last night.

"Oh, okay!" She looks relieved. "Well, I put your shower stuff on top of your suitcase, and the rest of your things already looked like they were packed. Hurry and get up though, we're gonna go get breakfast before we leave!" She gets up to finish her makeup.

Great, Niall probably hates me now, and I have to sit through breakfast with him. This is going to be fun.

I heave a sigh and roll out of bed. Instead of bothering to pull out jeans from the mass of clothes in my suitcase, I grab a pair of yoga pants from the top and throw on the nearest sweater. I collect the rest of my things from around the room and stuff them in my luggage, sitting on the top so I can zip it shut.

When we get to breakfast, Harry, Zayn, and Louis are already there, without their girlfriends--and without Niall. Zayn stands up to kiss Sam, and we sit down one by one at the table.

Louis voices the question on my mind first.

"Hey, mate, where's Niall? We thought he'd be with you."

I catch Liam's glance in my direction before he answers.

"I dunno, he said he didn't feel well, but he's sorry he missed breakfast."

Did he tell Liam what happened? I sit through breakfast distracted, not really paying attention to what I'm eating or what everyone is saying. By the time we finish, we all give each other big hugs and promise to keep in touch. Sam and Zayn linger a little too long in their goodbye kiss, and I have to yank her away so we don't miss our flight.

"Alright, you can make out over Skype later, but we need to go now, bye Zayn!" I roll my eyes and drag her along.

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When we get to the airport, we're a little early. I find my way to a bookstore while Sam and Marina use the restroom, which means I have a while to browse since most of that time will be spent by Sam convincing Marina to sack up and use the public restroom.

As I poke through the horror novels, Liam corners me against the shelves.

"What happened with you and Niall?" He wastes no time working up to the subject.

"Uhm...what do you mean? I thought he said he was sick," I evade a direct answer by turning back to the books. Liam doesn't let me get off that easily though.

"So he says, but we've been mates for years and I know him better than that. And you were quiet all through breakfast, and you look like hell." Oh, Liam. At least you can always count on him to be honest. "That tells me it was something to do with the two of you. Now tell me, what happened?"

"What happened with what?" I hear Marina's voice approach behind Liam, and I groan internally.

"Something happened with Niall and Ali and I'm trying to figure out what," Liam responds without hesitation.

"Look, guys, I really don't want to talk about it right now," I say as I pay for my book. "We just got into a little argument, that's all."

"It wasn't little from how torn up he sounded about it," Liam contradicts, and I feel a pang in my chest. "I thought you guys really got on well, he kept talking about you. Literally. He asked me a million questions about you and kept saying how great you are. Bit annoying, really. What did you guys fight about?"

I pause for a moment, trying to control the tears that threaten to spill and the unsteadiness of my voice from Liam's words.

"I...I fucked up guys."

"What is it, what's wrong?" Marina looks concerned and puts a hand on my shoulder as we make our way to board the plane.

"I'll tell you when we find our seats."

When we do, I explain everything that happened, including how I felt and a play-by-play of the argument we had. I keep my composure, but throughout the conversation I'm mostly embarrassed and ashamed that I could be so stupid and shallow.

After I finish retelling them what happened, all three of them are quiet. Sam looks confused. Liam looks--upset, really, and it scares me. Having Liam mad at you is like your puppy not trusting you anymore...It hurts like hell. Marina is the only one who doesn't look completely judgmental of my mistake.

"So...that's it then. You just cut him off because you were scared." Sam tries to get a grip on what I've just told her.

"Yep, pretty much." I take a deep breath.

"But that's stupid. Why would you do that? I mean look at me and Zayn, it's almost the same situation but we're going to take it slow and--"

"What I want to know is why you had to do it like that," Liam interrupts Sam with a harsh tone. "Why couldn't you have just told him how you felt? Niall really seemed like he cared about you, and then you go and pull something like this--I just don't get it." He shakes his head and messes with the headphones in front of him, indicating that he didn't actually want an answer.

Marina waits a while until both of them are otherwise occupied, then grabs my hand gently.

"I understand why you did it. I don't think it was right, but I understand." She gives me a small, reassuring smile. Her kindness alone is enough to bring tears once again.

"If it had been Liam and me...I don't think I would have done it any differently, really. I'm scared of losing him and we live down the street from each other," she laughs. "But pushing him away--pushing anybody away--is not the way to go about things. It's hard to trust people, I know that, but Ali, everyone saw it. He adored you. And you cared just as much about him, even in such a short time. You have to let things like that happen. It's just having faith and trusting that it will go the way it's supposed to. I know that sounds ridiculous coming from me, it would have taken me a year to get comfortable around Liam had he not talked to me first. But know that these things are always learning experiences, right up until you find the one you want to be with for good."

As if on cue, Liam kisses the top of Marina's head absentmindedly while watching his movie, and my heart aches. I know she's right, but I've been skeptical of blind faith since I was a kid--it's why my mom and I got into so many arguments. I always had to know why or how or what something was, and it affected my faith in God as well. I've yet to get back to that unadulterated trust in something bigger than my own doing, even though I've been known to fail consistently.

"I hope you can make it right, Ali," Marina's voice clears my thoughts.

"Nahh," I shake my head and fight a sniffle. "I don't think he wants anything to do with me anymore."

"Oh...well, that's too bad." She seems genuinely disappointed. "It'd really be a shame to see something as special as what you two have go to waste."

With that, I smile weakly and put my headphones in, pressing shuffle on my iPod. I sleep the rest of the trip back to California, and wave goodbye as Liam drives off to take the other girls back home.

When I get inside, no one is there, and I'm thankful that I can retire to my bedroom without having to answer a million questions. I drop all of my belongings in the middle of the floor, crawl into bed, and I sigh at the comfort of being back in my own room, where no blue-eyed boys have tainted the sacred space. When the quiet emptiness of the house settles in, I let go of all the guilt I feel, shedding the tears I don't deserve to be allowed to cry that I struggled to hold in for the sake of my friends.