There's no vortex when the world around me changes. There is no futuristic machine, or magic spell or anything. In order to trigger the shift in universes, simply put: Marco just has to die.
When Marco dies I close my eyes tightly, which I discovered is the cause of the shift. It's not a process that lasts a millisecond. It takes a while, sometimes up to a minute. There's not much to do in the time other than re-open my teary, reddened eyes and watch my world, Marco, fade away at my fingertips. All I can think is how everything that we've been through in this lifetime will now be forgotten.
By him, not by me. I remember everything...he forgets.
It feels like such a waste, and I wonder what I'm worth. Why do I get blessed with the memories, but Marco gets the loss? He deserves...so much. I don't deserve anything like he does. In what disgusting mind would a person choose me over him? The worst thing is how selfish I am to say that the memories feel like incessant torture rather than happiness, maybe that's just me being ungrateful. I'll only know when I find an explanation.
Marco always has to be the very last thing I look at before closing my eyes. This, understandably can be a grueling task, what with him dying in many different ways, some of which I struggle to even find his body – like once when he jumped off a cliff, for example, I had to jump in after him. It's that kind of You jump, I jump situation.
Other times I find it a hard task purely because it's so fucking murderous to look at his dead body, cold and final. It can be gruesome too, and those deaths are the worst as just looking at his body reminds me of how he suffered all this pain. I can barely look at him then. I just wish, wish, wish, and would do anything for the option, that I could die instead of him. He'd be able to move on, and marry someone he deserves, and find happiness where he never found it in me.
The truth is, I might make him happy in some ways, but he always dies in the end. And god, that's not happiness. That's despair.
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How Soon is Now? (Jean x Marco)
FanfictionI don't want to lose you, you linger by my side like my breath. But I can't touch you, so I get more desperate. 2/7 books in "Don't You Forget About Me" Series. Read in chronological order! Update is every Wednesday!
