How Soon is Now? (Jean x Marco)

Part Eight

By April, Marco has finished not only A Christmas Carol, but Wuthering Heights, The Woman In White and Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Sometimes he gets tired out from reading, and so I read to him instead. I notice that, despite his desperate attempts to keep his eyes on the words as I read them, he keeps looking at me.

Despite it being about 4 months after deciding, I still haven't written the book, in fact I am still planning it. It's the story of my life, my life with Marco, about travelling across universes and lifetimes in search of him. I swapped his name for Angel, and mine for Ellis. Therefore, the genders can't really be determined...but they are both guys.

I'm disappointed in myself of course for not writing it, but Marco is still joined at my hip whether I've written him a book or not. I don't mean that it would be a waste or pointless to write one. I just mean that I don't need to give him any gifts to earn his love.

Mina and I get along really well too; she's a wonderful older sister to me, sweet and caring yet wild and brimming to the top with energy. Samuel spends even more time at our household; he may as well be part of the family.

Thomas...is Thomas. There have been countless occasions where if caught him after, always after, saying something to Marco. I've spoken to Thomas about it a ton of times but neither he nor Marco will say a word. It worries me to the point where my stomach feels twisted in a thousand knots. He's such a horrid person.

It turns out Levi is a big softie. He looks terrifying, and sounds it too, but around Erwin he's like that kind of sweet and caring Mother. He's very protective of Mina and Marco, which seems strange as he often complains about how he hates the weak. I know he means Marco and Mina, but I know he's lying. Anyone with a brain can see that they are both strong people who have to deal with a brother like Thomas and the villages hatred to them being street-rats raised by a bachelor.

You all know my story already. I'm here as usual, in a lifetime slap bang in some random spot on the timeline of the world after chasing Marco for 246 lifetimes. I still don't know why I chase him...I just can't leave him. I'm unconditionally, irrevocably and murderously in love with him – it's such a blissful sin.

And you should also know that Marco loves me just as much. But this is the year 1887, and it's not a year where I can walk around with Marco, hand in hand and lips on lips. I'm having 90s withdrawal symptoms already.

I miss Hanji, I miss all the friends I've made over 247 lifetimes...I miss freedom. That's if I ever had freedom...

Although Marco loves me, he probably thinks there is something wrong with him, that he is ill or some kind of devil spawn. He probably hates every part of himself as he lives on loving me. I wouldn't be able to just tell him because he might be too scared to accept it.

I don't want to loose him because of love. That would be worse than death.

I just wish I had a strong enough grip on time to stop it from going so fast.

June appears faster than I hoped for, each second that time flies past I feel like I'm trying to control a riot. It's anarchy in my head and my heart, my mental state is going into that chaotic mode because it's been so long that I have more than enough reason to panic about Marco dying - every breath that I take is every breath of his that might end. I just...never know.

I forget about it all the best I can in June due to the 16th being Marco's birthday. I might get bored of my own, but I'll never get bored of Marco's. I want to treat him to everything he'd ever dreamed of having.

I can't do that, of course but my story will suffice.

I know he'll be eternally grateful for his gift. Eternally...well that's not the best word to describe this. No one is immortal like I am, everyone is just mortal, but Marco is horrifyingly more mortal than them. And even if you say he is immortal, just reborn, all those memories are lost every time he is born again. That's not immortality, that's...the most disgusting, cruel and cursed immortality to ever exist.