Forever Strong (Book 7 in Nemi Forever Series)

Chapter 21

Nick

I can't even explain how I felt, hearing Marissa say those things to me. It hurt, but it was the truth which is the worst part. The guilt I tried to forget about all came rushing back to me. When Demi & I were apart for several months, the guilt ate at me for the way I treated her, but I couldn't make myself stop treating her badly. I eased up a bit over time because I started to forgive her for what had happened. I struggled with the guilt every time I saw the pain in her eyes or I would see her cry or see how sadly she carried herself. My heart broke so many times during that time we weren't together, but I still treated her like crap. I know she didn't deserve it. And I still beat myself up about it sometimes. Now, after hearing from Marissa the way Demi really felt, I am overwrought with guilt again. This time, though, it was worse. Now, I was thinking about how Demi hated me. Or how she thought about killing herself. My heart hurt & my stomach turned just thinking that Demi could have possibly killed herself because of the pain I had caused her.

I was hardly paying attention to my dad & my brother as they talked about some music group that was under our company's management. I couldn't stop repeating the things Marissa had said, in my head. Every time I said one of the phrases that came from Marissa, the more pain I felt. I was drinking a beer, slowly, trying to forget the guilt that was now eating away at me again.

Marissa came up to me, looking frightened & cautious. "Nick? Can I talk to you for a minute?" She asked, looking at my brother & dad, then back at me.

I took a swig of my beer. "We're kinda in the middle of a conversation." I lied. I didn't want to hear any more of her truth. I couldn't take it. This was supposed to be a celebration, so I didn't want to be upset. Well, more upset than I already was.

"Please? It's really important." Marissa said, watching me closely.

I sighed, threw my dad & Joe a glance with a raised eyebrow, then walked toward the far back corner of our yard, near the pool house, away from everyone. I turned around to face Marissa. "Listen, if you thought of other things you thought I should know..."

"No, Nick. I'm here to tell you I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what? You have nothing to be sorry about." I said, then took a drink of my beer.

"I was out of line."

I took a deep breath. "No, you were right to tell me how Demi felt during that time. I should know how she was feeling. It will help." I downed the rest of my beer & I felt a lump forming in my throat.

"Help?" Marissa asked with a confused look on her face.

I nodded, looking at the ground. "You know how Demi felt during that time, Marissa, but you have no idea how I felt during that time." My eyes met hers & I tried to not let the lump turn to tears as I remembered one of the darkest times in my life. I took another breath & let it out, slowly. "I don't think you know what it did to me...." I swallowed hard. "I walked into a room & saw my best friend, the love of my life, the mother of my children, the woman I was supposed to spend forever with, my wife, making out with another man. Her arms were around him & his arms were around her & she was kissing him passionately, moaning & enjoying it. Something inside me snapped, Marissa. I shut off my feelings for her in that instant because I thought she had shut off her feelings for me. That was how I explained that she could have done that to me. I treated her like absolute shit & there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I could go back to that moment in my life & do it differently. I wish so bad that I could go back to before it even happened & beg her to talk to me, instead of thinking it would just right itself eventually. I felt guilty every time I saw her during that time, but I couldn't make myself stop treating her like crap. I was hurt in the worst way possible by the one person who I thought would never hurt me like that. I trusted her with my heart." I choked on the words, now as my chin trembled. I fought the tears as I continued. "I know I was a dick to her, Marissa. You don't need to remind me of it. There were times when I didn't think she'd want me back because I treated her so badly, but she did & trust me when I say, that I am forever grateful for that & I never take it for granted. I have spent every day since she & I got back together, trying to make up for the months I was awful to her & made her feel like I didn't love her. I don't let a day go by that I don't tell her or show her or both, that I love her more than anyone on this planet." The tears were filling my eyes now, so I blinked a few times to focus, while I took a few deep breaths. "You had every right to say those things to me, because Demi never told me & she should have. I should know just how bad I hurt her even if it kills me."