Crashing

Past and Present Secrets...

                  "How is she?" Aaron asked standing with Zak, looking out the back doorway, at me sitting by the pool.
                  "Quiet and her memory is back and forth, especially from that night." As they both watched me sitting with Gracie in the lounger.
                  "Man...that's not good." Aaron said looking at him.
                  "You think I don't know that. She was okay for a while. Then suddenly she shut down, and now every afternoon she sits with Gray, and says nothing. This has been going on for about two weeks. She finally quit with the pain meds a week ago...How long do I let her do this? What's normal Aaron?" Zak didn't know what to do or say. Aaron had been through this years ago with his ex wife. Zak was looking for guidance.
"She's grieving man, and so are you. There's no time limit on that. What about the trip you were going to take her on?" Aaron asked.
                "I've thought about it, she should get the all clear next week from her doctors." It had been over a month since the fall, and losing our baby. I was in and out of whatever the hell you called this; grieving, depression, hell I didn't even know. I never wanted kids, ever... and now, that baby was all I thought about, on top of being a failure at everything associated with family.
"I'm gonna take off man...hey why don't you and Amanda come over later...Jay is bringing his new girl and well, Dakota and Riley are in town..." Aaron was desperately trying to help and get us out of the house.
               "It's worth a shot, it'll do her some good to talk with the girls. Riley's been calling, but Amanda is either sleeping or just out of it when she calls." Zak kinda felt like I was avoiding Riley.
               "You need out too." Aaron said, and patted Zak on the back. "I'm going...we're all meeting about seven, ordering Chinese, and maybe playing a couple games or watching a movie..." Aaron left, and Zak walked out to me.
               "My two beauties..." Zak said, walking up and sitting next to me on the couch under the patio. Gracie got up and went to Zak. I said nothing. "Aaron came by and wants us to join the gang at his house. Dinner, maybe a movie and..."
                 "No." I said and I got up, Zak grabbed my hand as I walked by. I was a mess, I didn't wear makeup anymore, did nothing with my hair...but couldn't due to them shaving part of the underneath of my head for the stitches. I was bleeding like a stuck pig from the ectopic procedure. I felt like I'd never be off my period. I turned around and looked at him.
                "Amanda...we need out of this damn house. We need our friends. Riley and Dakota are in town...they're going to be there." Zak was pleading with his eyes. Those beautiful, sad eyes.
         I gave a huge sigh. "Fine, but you better inform everyone I'm not a sob story, and I don't need a pity party...so if this is their lame attempt at that...forget it." I walked into the house and went to the bedroom, got in the shower and just let the hot water wash away my anger for the day. Zak texted Aaron it was a go...but reminded him, I didn't want to speak about anything. I got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around me and wiped the fog off the mirror. I just looked at myself. I then decided I needed a little "relaxer" before I went to Aaron's. I dug in a hidden compartment in my make up case I had on the counter. I popped a pain pill. I had told Zak I stopped, only so he'd get off my fucking back. They helped me sleep, and relaxed me some.
"Just a few more days of these little babies and I'll be fine." I said to myself. It never occurred to me that now these were a habit, but it did occur that I was lying to Zak. My thoughts...he didn't understand...so if I could hang in just a bit longer, I'd be able to manage it. I was getting dressed when Zak walked in...all I had on was my T-shirt and panties. A sight he hadn't seen in a few weeks. Zak had given me my space from time to time...usually I was just sleeping.
"Wow...now that's perfection right there." He said, as he grinned and came up behind me. I was trying to put on my make up. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my neck. I sighed and looked up at him. "I'm not making a move, I promise. I just want to hold you for a minute." He said, as he felt me relax. But I didn't relax for long, I saw the pills in my make up case, and acted quick. I turned around rubbing against him. I put one hand on his cheek and planted a kiss on him while I closed the makeup case with my other hand, I then reached back around and wrapped both hands around his neck. We couldn't stop kissing, it was getting intense. I had longed to feel this way with him again, for weeks. Suddenly, Zak stopped kissing me and slowly pulled away. "We can't, not until you get the green light from you doctor, besides you still have some things going on. I don't want to take a chance..." I then started to laugh and cut Zak off.
"I think someone is happy to see me." As I laughed and pointed down...he was really excited in the manhood department.
"Very funny, just give me a sec." He was laughing too, we were us in that moment...we hadn't been us in weeks. "Okay.." He said and I smiled. "Are you alright?" Zak asked me looking into my eyes, like he saw something.
"Fine...why?" I asked him.
                  "Your eyes seem...different." Zak was like a detective...he was investigating every part of me; my expressions, movements, everything.
                  "I'm just, tired Zak, and this has been...you know how this has been." I got defensive and pulled away from him quickly.
                  "Hey, hey...I didn't mean anything by it...I just want to make sure you are okay. Look, you're my world Amanda...and I thought maybe after you get the all clear...we take that trip we were planning before (Zak paused, looked down and swallowed hard. It was difficult for him to relive it.) before all this happened." He said, and looked up at me.
                "I...I guess...maybe. Zak I just..."
                "I know...take your time with it, think about it and wherever you want to go...I'll take you. I'll even fly just for you." He laughed and came toward me again, kissing my forehead. He then went to turn on the shower, undressed and got in himself. I looked at myself in the mirror and decided that was it...that was my last pill. I couldn't lie to him...I finished getting dressed and went to the kitchen. I made myself a cup of tea and sat at the bar, waiting on Zak. He came out about half an hour later.
"You ready?" He asked.
"Sure." I got up put my cup in the sink and grabbed my purse and phone. As I looked up Zak was just watching me from across the room...smiling.
"What?" I asked him.
"Nothing." He came over and kissed my cheek. "Just you." He said.
"What about me" I asked him.
                  "Sit for a minute...please?" He asked me. So I sat back down on the barstool and Zak stood in front of me. "I know this hasn't been easy, it's hard for me and your pain is not something I can even begin to understand, but you amaze me." He said...he was so serious.
                 "Okay....how?" I asked him.
                 "Your strength and courage through this whole thing. That night you were in so much pain, but refused anything because of the...the baby. Your heart and soul are huge. That right there is why we are together, why we're meant to be together. You are the strongest woman I know...I love you." He came forward and I stood up. He had watery eyes and so did I. I could feel his sincerity and also felt as if he wanted to say something else...and in his mind he did want too. But, he decided to wait for a better time.
                  "I love you too, Zak." We kissed and pulled away with our foreheads touching.
                  "I can't promise people won't ask how you are feeling tonight...but they love us..."
                 "Yeah, I get it." I said and smiled...we headed out.
           At Aaron's there were lots of people there...not just our normal group. We were in for a night of games, crazy shit, drinking, and laughter. We arrived and Emily answered the door. She said nothing and quickly grabbed me, hugging so tight I thought I'd suffocate. Zak stood back and grinned, he was happy to see that I'd found someone almost if sisterly status...it warmed his heart.
               "Uh, Em...honey I can't breathe." I said stiffly and in a strained voice. She then let go.
               "I'm sorry, I'm just so glad to see you out, up, around, breathing normally; and not full of blood, tubes, and incoherence." She was kinda nervously excited to see me.
              "I'm more glad than you." Zak said from behind.
               "I'm also sorry I wasn't there quicker that night...I just..." She had guilt, and I couldn't understand why.
                 "Emily, none of this was your fault." I grabbed her hand and smiled. She breathed out in a sort of anxious relief. "Can we...come in now?"  I asked.
                "Shit...sorry, yeah of course." She laughed as Zak and I headed in. I saw a sea of friends; laughing, talking, and then Aaron made his way.
               "Come here kid." He hugged me and kissed the top of my head. "I'm so glad you guys are here." He hugged Zak too. Aaron and I weren't really ever that close, but after seeing what Zak felt at the hospital, and having gone through what we went through himself...he gained more respect for me, and our relationship. Plus, the bond Emily and I formed meant a lot to him. It was all coming full circle...maybe. Then, out of the corner of my eye...two other little birds appeared. Riley and Dakota. They inched forward cautiously. I turned and she and I smiled. Suddenly, Riley started to cry and lunged for me, hugging me even tighter that Emily had. She grabbed on so forcefully I almost fell back and Zak caught us.
                "Easy Riley...she's still healing. We don't need another fall." Zak laughed. We just cried and held each other. The guys stepped back and let us have our moment.
                "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I made a mess of things. I can't lose you...oh god." Riley just cried in my arms...and I held onto her, like a mother would.
               "Shhhh...it's alright. I'm still here." We pulled apart and I put my hands on her cheeks.
                 "I didn't mean what I said...I don't hate you...I."
                "Riley it's all over and forgiven. The truth is, I'm proud of you." I said and it shocked her.
                 "Of me? But I ran off and got married..."
                 "You took charge of your life, you weren't afraid to get what you wanted and stand up for that. Just please tell me you're in school." I said.
                 "Three weeks into my first course, and I love it. Dakota has been helping me too, with filming." She turned and smiled, he smiled back, and I noticed they were wearing their wedding bands. 
         "Great." I smiled.
                "She's already a better camera operator than Aaron and I put together." Dakota laughed, as he came over and hugged me too.
               "Good, I may hire her and get rid of you assholes." Zak said. Riley then made her way over to Zak and gave him a hug, surprising him.
              "I'm sorry." She said to Zak.
              "Just stay in college...please." Zak said, as they pulled away. He grinned, and it was his way of kinda forgiving her too.
I was enjoying everything as the night rolled on. Zak was right, it was good to be with our "family" but one was missing...Jay hadn't shown up yet. Emily, Riley, and I were engrossed in a conversation about vacation places.
"Anywhere you want to go?" Riley asked.
"That's what he said." I answered.
"Wow, if Aaron offered me that...I'd say Maui in a heartbeat." Emily said.
"Been there" I said.
"Italy! We never took Zak up on that trip..." Riley said.
"He gave it to his parents...I convinced him." I answered. "Nah...not in the Italian mood." I said.
"You traveling bitch...you've pretty much been everywhere because of the job you had." I knew what Riley was referring too...and my past was about to walk into Aaron's house, pretty quickly. The doorbell rang, and Aaron answered...it was Jay and his new girlfriend. Aaron greeted them at the door and I didn't pay much attention. Riley, Emily, and I just kept talking. But as I looked over, this brunette caught my eye. She seemed awfully familiar. This was one of those times my memory from my fall took a hit...I knew her, but why...why couldn't I remember from where. I kept staring as she, Jay, and Aaron talked. My face told a story....
"You alright?" Emily asked as she watched me stare at Jay's new girlfriend.
"Huh?" I asked.
"Could you stare at her any harder? You may burn a hole in that chick." Riley said.
"I just, feel like I know her...this damn fall has me confused..." I watched her as she laughed and talked. Zak walked over and Jay introduced them. Zak obviously said something hilarious and she laughed.
"Well she certainly is gorgeous." Emily said. Riley then looked over at me realizing I was watching this woman laugh at whatever lame joke Zak was telling. Riley nudged Emily, shook her head no, and gave a don't go there look.
"She certainly is..." I said and my stomach turned. She was heading my way and as she and Jay made their way over I stood up. Looking her straight in the eye; I realized one thing...I did know her. My eyes squinted a little, and my stomach tightened. Riley and Emily both looked on and the tension mounted in my mind. Everything seemed like slow motion...they finally reached me, and I could see Zak and Aaron trailing behind.
"Amanda, good to see you up and about." Jay came over and gave me a huge hug while his girlfriend stood behind, clutching her tiny Luis Vuitton, and patiently waiting her turn to be introduced to the rest of us.
"Thanks Jay." I said, and as he stepped aside, this young woman and I were in an eye lock. Her face changed and so did mine. We did know each other, and like I said before...my past was about to resurface.
"Amanda this is Stacy, Stacy this is Zak's girlfriend..."
"Amanda Finn...I know you very well." She said, interrupting Jay before he could finish. She stuck her hand out, and I accepted...reluctantly. My damn fall had ripped away my memory of certain things; cloudiness and haziness came over me at times.
"I'm sorry, I just can't seem to place you. Your face and voice sound familiar, but I just can't..." I couldn't recall.
"I was one of Christian's back up singers...remember?" She said smiling.
"Oh my god...Stacy. Yes, I'm sorry, it's just. Yes, my god how have you been?" I asked and I was extremely nervous.
                "Not too bad." She answered.
                "Wait...you two know each other?" Jay asked. In that second, everything from that time in my life came rushing back to me.
                "Are you kidding...of course I know her. Everyone that wanted to be anyone in the music business, needed to be represented by this woman and her firm. Rock stars were beating down the doors at Capitol for this chick. Christian especially." She said smiling, nicely. Maybe she knew about us...maybe she didn't. I wasn't sure.
               "Well I wasn't that great, but thanks." I said smiling cautiously. Emily got a vibe and it wasn't a good one, but she let it go and we carried on with our evening. Stacy was very nice, and I did vaguely remember her.
       Sitting around the living room talking, I snuggled into Zak's huge arms and looked up at him...we were healing, this was healing, and our friends were helping.
                 "So how did you and Jay meet?" Zak asked Stacy. They were sitting across from us.
                "You tell it." Jay said to her.
                "Oh, okay...well I was singing in Nashville, at this club. Jay and his band were there, and when I got off stage he sent us a round of drinks and we got to talking. He was so nervous and cute...and well I couldn't resist." She said laughing.
                "Ahhhh....Jay." Aaron laughed, everyone laughed. We all laughed, cause honestly Jay was nervous, and shy...but a totally sweet guy.
"What about you two?" Stacy asked redirecting the question to Zak. It was odd that she would just look and speak to just him.
"Tell it babe..." He said gazing into my eyes.
"I moved here to be with my sister, and met Zak through her. She worked for him...and here we are." I said, not wanting to give up too much.
"Well, it wasn't that easy...she resisted until I really turned on the charm." Zak said.
"You mean wore me down?" I said laughing, and every laughed along with me.
"Ahhhh...she got you dude!" Aaron said.
"True....she did get me...from the moment I laid eyes on her." He leaned over, and kissed me. Everyone smiled and were happy to see us together.
"Okay...get a room." Dakota said, laughing.
"Yeah...we don't wanna see that..." Aaron agreed.
Stacy had a look in her eyes, and watched Zak and I very closely. No one caught it but Emily. She didn't trust Stacy, and she watched her like a hawk.
               "Well as exciting as this has been I'm going to the ladies room. Plus I'm tired." I looked up at Zak...he had his arm around me and he smiled, kissed my head and I got up. Everyone kinda dispersed after that...getting drinks, talking amongst themselves. Riley headed to the kitchen, Emily got up and followed. Riley bent down to get a water from the fridge, when she popped up...
"Shit! Emily you scared me...creep much?" Riley then laughed, but Emily wasn't laughing.
"I don't like or trust her." Emily said whispering.
"Who? Stacy?" Riley asked.
"Yes. She keeps...watching Zak. Well, Zak and Amanda...but mostly Zak." Emily said.
"Look, I know you're new here...but most women do watch Zak." Riley said twisting the cap off her water, and rolling her eyes some.
"It's obvious Amanda isn't comfortable around her. Something is just off." Emily was serious.
"Emily, my aunt...she's got a past...and she knew a lot of fucking famous people. It's no surprise someone from the music biz shows up and knows who she is...Relax." Riley said drinking her water...she looked at Emily, but could tell that didn't put Em's mind at ease. "Are you okay? Cause this seems like more than just that Stacy chick." Riley asked her as Emily tapped her fingers nervously on Aaron's bar.
"No...that Aiden guy from the hospital...were he and Amanda close?" Emily asked.
"They dated for a while. He was head over heels, but her not so much. Why are you asking about him?" Riley said.
"I've done something. Look, don't you ever wonder how 911 got there the night she fell?" Emily asked.
"It crossed all our minds...but I think we're all just thankful they were there in time and she's alive." Riley was confused at what Emily was trying to get at.
"Aiden mentioned to me, that Amanda called him begging for help, he then called 911. Could she have called him over Zak?" Emily was obviously bothered by this whole thing, still. Not because she didn't trust me...but because she knew how pissed Zak would be. Honestly she was surprised he hadn't questioned the 911 thing himself...but in light of everything that had transpired...who really cared?
"I don't know and I wouldn't ever bring this up again, Emily." Riley warned.
"I haven't told a soul but you, not even Aaron...and that night I deleted the call from her phone. Zak would..."
"Go ape shit." Riley said under her breath, completing Emily's thought. "There's gotta be a logical explanation, maybe it was just the first person in her call list. Maybe she knew he was close and could help..." Riley was talking through it like Emily had done weeks ago in her mind...just then they were interrupted by footsteps heard around the corner. Riley quickly looked around and she saw a shadow walking away. Was it Stacy? Was it Zak? As Riley turned back and went into the kitchen. She stared at Emily.
"Who was it? Oh god tell me it wasn't Zak..." Emily was nervous as she whispered hysterically to Riley.
"I don't know...but I think we've got trouble...just calm down." Riley was now just as worried as Emily.