[By : kittenmittens on AO3]
"Y-You're not serious. You can't be serious." Bruce rakes a hand through his hair, panicking—wait, is he really panicking? Yeah. Yeah, he is. But since he just got some real troubling news, so he's gonna cut himself some slack.
Thor frowns, looking at Bruce like he's the one acting crazy. "Do you not believe me?"
"No, that's not—I believe you! Of course I believe you, I can see it, I-I mean, I saw it. On the ultrasound." And Thor really is... pregnant. But that isn't the problem here. Somehow, that isn't what Bruce is struggling to wrap his mind around. "Hang o—That's not the problem!" Taking a deep breath, he tries to articulate himself a little better. Not that it's gonna help much; Thor has a real bad habit of only hearing what he wants to hear sometimes. Case in point, the whole reason they even started arguing. "Look. I don't care that you're pregnant. I mean, I do, it's great, it's amazing, it's... k-kind of the weirdest thing I've ever heard of—"
"Yes, well, imagine how I feel," Thor interrupts. "Since it's me. I'm the one who's pregnant."
"Y-Yeah, big guy, I got that... that part." Bruce kneads at the bridge of his nose, swallowing and closing his eyes. "That's not what's bugging me. My, uh—My issue is, you were doing all that stuff—like, turning yourself into a giant ball of lightning, and fist-fighting an alien warlord—and you were already three months pregnant!?"
"Yes." Yeah, see, he's grinning when he says that. Bruce swears he just aged ten years.
"Thor, that's bad," says Bruce weakly. "What if something happened? To you, sure, but the baby. I-I mean, our baby! We're having a baby! And getting into giant... space wars is probably bad for it! F-For both of you."
"Hmm. Yes, I understand your concern." Thor nods stoically, then winces and makes an 'ehhh' noise. "Buuuut, important stuff was happening, and I'm kind of the best Avenger. You all needed me to fight; you would have definitely lost without me. Besides—" He shrugs. "Asgardians do this kind of stuff all the time! One woman gave birth on the battlefield, then presented her slain enemy's sword to her newborn child. And besides, you fought Thanos even though you have ass-ma."
Ass-ma? Oh, right— "I don't have asthma, Thor."
"Of course you do," he scoffed. "All nerds do. It's a well-known aspect of Midgardian biology."
Okay, Bruce was gonna have to watch Thor's media intake a little more closely. "No, we—I mean, they don't! They don't all have asthma. And I don't either!"
Snorting, Thor tilted his head and looked confused. It always reminded Bruce of the expression a golden retriever gets when you pretend to throw the ball and then hide it behind your back. Admittedly, that made it real hard to be stern with the big guy. "That doesn't seem right. That thing you do—the thing where you say you're freaking out, and you start breathing like a cat about to hack up something foul, is that not ass-ma?"
"It's asthma, Thor." Bruce was trying really hard not to get side-tracked, but around Thor, that was basically impossible. "Azz-ma."
"That's exactly what I said," insisted Thor.
"No, it isn't." Bruce shook his head. "You're saying 'ass-ma'."
Thor started chuckling in confusion. "Why would I say it like that when that isn't even how it's pronounced?"
"Oh my God." Putting both hands over his face, Bruce just... tried not to sound like he was wheezing. Last thing he wanted to do was convince Thor he was right. "Look, look—I'm glad you're fine, but you gotta promise me you're not gonna go running into any life or death battles until this is over."
Thor just kept smiling. "Why?"
"Because!" Wait, no—time to calm down. Hulk would only end up making the situation worse, given that he'd probably be on Thor's side of the issue. "Like I said, I don't want anything to happen to you. I know, I know—" It looked like Thor was gonna argue with him some more, probably talk about how he was basically indestructible and all that, but Bruce wasn't gonna let him get started. "You're tough. Really tough, so basically nothing can hurt you anyway. But anything could happen! What if somebody sucker punched you in the gut?" Reaching out, Bruce hesitates, then rests his palm against the very slight curve of Thor's stomach. "All I'm asking is for you to take it easy for a few more months. You can do that, right? I mean, that's basically a drop in the bucket." Nine months in Asgardian time would be something like... what? Four days? Bruce isn't in the right headspace for remotely accurate math, but that's not the point right now.
"I don't know why you're so worried about a bucket, but for you, Banner, I will be more careful," Thor assures him.
"Promise?" Bruce pleads.
"Of course!" Thor nods quickly, then lifts his hand with a really serious expression. "In fact, to show you how dedicated I am to this, I offer my word in the form of the most solemn, sacred oath in all of Midgard." He extends one pinky, and it takes Bruce a second to figure out what he's doing.
"O-Oh my God." Barely holding back laughter, Bruce reaches up and hooks their pinkies together, giving Thor's huge hand a couple shakes. "You got it, big guy."
"No, you got it, Banner." Thor punches him lightly on the shoulder. He's being playful, but it still kinda hurts. (Not that Bruce minds, but he does have to turn away to cringe in pain.) Thor's quiet for a second, then says softly, "Thank you for worrying about me. Even though I'm basically the strongest person in the galaxy. Hm... " When he goes quiet, Bruce swears he can see him counting off every powerful person he's ever met. "Maybe the universe."
"Maybe," echoes Bruce. He wraps an arm around Thor's waist, giving him a light squeeze. "But even the galaxy's strongest warrior could use a vacation." Or a maternity leave, but Bruce doesn't mention that part.
___
