[By : Durrant on AO3]
Loki heard Thor's tears, great heaving sobs, carrying through the wall that separated their bedchambers. Thor was not supposed to cry; only Loki was allowed to cry, because he was younger and weaker and their parents expected less of him. Thor, who was strong and beloved by all and so clearly favoured by their parents, had never had a reason to cry in his life. This was something that Loki had to see.
"Brother?" Loki asked as he entered Thor's chamber. His brother was stretched out on the bed but quickly turned his head away from Loki, foolishly trying to hide the tears that were streaming down his face. He'd thought that the sight of Thor, his eyes swollen and tears staining his cheeks, would bring him joy. This was the proof that Thor was no better than him. Instead, Loki's jaw clenched in anger. Thor was crying but Loki wanted to be the cause of his tears, not some stranger that had no claim over him.
"I cannot play with you now, little brother. I must rest," Thor said, his voice muffled as he buried his face into his pillow.
"You had time to play with Fandral, Hogun and Volstagg," Loki retorted accusingly, even as he sidled closer to the bed. Thor was his brother, he shouldn't spend so much time in training with those ridiculous friends of his. If one of those fools had made Thor this way then he would make them pay for it dearly.
"I must rest," Thor repeated, "But I will play with you before the evening meal. I promise you, Loki."
That wasn't good enough, he wanted his brother's attention now. He wanted to know who had made his brother cry. After all, he would need to avenge him. Thor was too soft-hearted to understand the need for revenge; without punishment such people would only inflict more pain. Loki did not want to see his brother brought to tears again, not until Loki chose it.
"Don't you trust me, Thor? You have seen me cry before, did you think less of me because of it? Were my tears shameful? Do you think yourself so much better than me that you must hide your tears?" Loki asked. Eventually, after Thor had rubbed his face into his pillow and wiped the tears from his face, he sat up and turned to Loki. His brother must have been crying for some time, his eyes were very swollen and his face was red and blotchy. He looked ugly aside from the blue of his eyes, made all the bluer now that they were rimmed in red. Loki's hand clenched into a fist. Thor was his, no one else should be able to affect him so much.
"Hrafn, the horse master, has barred me from the stables. He said I'm fit only to ride a donkey whilst my friends were put on stallions," Thor's voice cracked slightly as he spoke. Loki reached out and ran his fingers over Thor's red cheek; his brother leaned into the touch like an animal, starved for affection.
"Have no fear, I will take care of it," Loki said gently as he continued to stroke his brother's cheek. He couldn't stop, it was so fascinating to see his own fingers touching Thor and Thor allowing it, not turning him away but relaxing into it as if this were normal.
"Loki, there is nothing to take care of. I must train harder and be better. And I am the elder brother, it is my duty to take care of you. You need not defend me," Thor sighed heavily and shuffled closer to him.
"You see the world as black and white, but there are always shades of grey. Hrafn has long nursed a grudge against the Allfather, but dared not speak out against him. Being cruel to you is his way of spiting our father." Loki moved closer as he spoke. He could feel Thor's breath on his face and the air he breathed in was warm from his brother's mouth.
Thor's face lit up with joy.
"So, I could ride a stallion?" Thor asked jubilantly, "Brother, this is glorious news. You have made me so happy! You..."
Thor leaned forward and pressed his lips to Loki's; nothing more than a chaste kiss. It felt so beautiful, so good and, even when Thor began to move away, Loki could not let it end. He wrapped his arms around Thor's neck and held him in place. His brother was stronger and could have easily thrown him off, but Thor did not. Emboldened, Loki opened his mouth and licked at Thor's lips, pleading with his brother to open his mouth, to let Loki kiss him properly. Thor opened his lips with the tiniest of moans. Loki pushed inside, rough and ready to claim but suddenly Thor pulled away.
"Brother," Thor panted, his eyes wide and frantic, "We must not."
Loki pulled back, his lips wet with Thor's saliva and the taste of his brother heavy on his tongue.
Within the week Loki had arranged for Hrafn to be dismissed and another horse master was found; one that was only too happy to let Thor ride as he wished. That week, and for years after, Thor's words rung in Loki's ears. Brother, we must not. Thor hadn't said 'No,' he hadn't said that he didn't want Loki's kiss, he hadn't even said that they could not kiss.
Thor had wanted him, and had only pushed Loki away out a misguided sense of propriety.
It was a wound that festered, an itch he couldn't scratch. Loki watched as Thor grew stronger; his golden skin and blue eyes attracting lustful glances from many in the Allfather's court. Although, as yet, Thor seemed completely oblivious to them, Loki dreaded the day that Thor would realise what such looks meant. When Loki was King, things would be different. Then he would make things right; he would make it illegal for anyone to touch Thor, for anyone to even look at his Thor.
In the meantime, there was nothing he could do. Thor grew larger, his muscles honed from the hours spent in mock fights and playing with swords. Loki grew too; his magic became stronger but no-one praised him for it. No-one asked him for demonstrations of his prowess. Instead, all he heard were the increasingly loud mutterings around the court; such a disgrace for a man to be so skilled in a women's art. Even Odin himself began to look askance whenever Loki left his books and came to the Feasting Hall.
