Breathe Me || Completed

8.2

8.2 - Answers

Of course, we humans beings are an awful species of sadistic sociopaths who want nothing more than to put each other through pain. Therefore, our questions are spectacularly difficult. Tabitha has already gotten needles, soap, water, and ice for Samantha. It all sits in a pile on the floor like a gun to our heads. It's thrilling and nauseating all at once. I kind of want to leave, but Samantha is sitting on my hand. I can feel the warm dampness of the space between her thigh and the carpet.

We decide to go clockwise, beginning with Summer who is the only one brave enough to volunteer. But does she deserve any praise? Summer's got nothing to hide.

"Truth or truth?" Rosie smirks.

Summer is already reddening. "Truth," she giggles.

The space between us in the circle is warm and closed, a secret room all our own. It feels like we have entered another world in which we are the only inhabitants. The rest of the house ceases to exist. It's only us in the shadowy basement, the warm yellow glow of the flashlight illuminating our anxious faces.

"What should we ask her?" says Tabby.

Jean grins and nudges Summer with her elbow. "Two part question," she says. "Part one, are you a virgin? Part two, if not, then how far have you gone?"

I feel very sick. I realize that I don't even want to know that about Summer. I don't want to know what she's done or what's been done to her. But in the warm shroud of our little world, we're all captivated by what she'll say.

Summer puts her hands in her lap, sort of shrugging. She glances at the needles glinting beside Samantha's thigh. "Maybe I should just get a piercing," she giggles.

"So you're not a virgin!" Rosie exclaims.

"Stop it! I didn't say that."

"But if you don't want to tell us, that means . . ."

"Okay, okay, I'll answer." She's red as a ladybug. She looks around at us. "But you can't tell anybody."

"Of course we won't," says Tabby.

Her neck, her chest, her arms are all tomato scarlet. "I never told anyone, actually, but . . . I did it once. When I was thirteen. With Ivo."

Everyone in the circle explodes into questions and nervous laughter. Samantha just chews her gum and raises an eyebrow. I look at the ground. Exactly the sort of thing I didn't want to know. Summer is supposed to be an innocent fairy child skipping through the meadows of life in a sparkling white dress. Why do I have to know this?

When everyone quiets down enough to hear her, she says more. "It was right after we started eighth grade and me and him were always really good friends and . . . I don't know. I guess we were both curious. About what it was like. And one day we were alone at my house and it just sort of . . . happened. He kissed me and, I don't know, we just kept going."

"Ugh," says Rosie. We all sort of laugh. What a gross thing to have to know about your own cousin.

Gloria leans her head on Summer's red shoulder. "Did it hurt?" she asks.

Summer hums. "Not really. I mean, it hurt a little for a second, and there was some blood, but after that it felt sort of nice. He was really sweet about it, actually."

"That's so weird," Jean says. "You guys are still friends, right? Do you ever talk about it?"

Summer shakes her head. "But it's not awkward or anything. I think I'm sort of glad it happened."

And so it goes, all around the circle. Rosie makes Gloria show us the most embarrassing picture on her phone, which is actually a lot of really dumb selfies she took to send to a friend as a joke and then forgot to delete. Jean asks Tabitha who her crush is and we are all shocked and uncomfortable because it's Ivo. We laugh at the appalled faces Rosie makes.

But then it's my turn.

"Go easy on Sally," Tabitha says once the uproar over the Ivo situation has died down. She puts her arms around my shoulders. I lean my head on Tabby. Why is everyone so in love with Ivo? Tabby smells like toothpaste and the gummy bears we've been eating all night.

Summer grins. "Alright," she says. "Here's an easy one. Tell us about your first kiss."

Well, shit.

Samantha is smirking at me, practically licking her lips in anticipation. I flinch as if the needle has already pierced my septum.

I could lie.

No, I couldn't.

She would know.

She would tell them.

I can't help thinking of Ryann's messages, one after another, desperate. I thought it would be okay, they're my friends, they love me, everyone knows, no one wants to talk to me. . .

"Sal's eyeing the needles," Rosie notes. She catches my eye. Her amber irises are alight with the intensity of the moment. "C'mon. It can't be that bad. Just tell us."

Summer giggles. "What, did you bite the guy or something?"

I wish. It wouldn't have been so hard to sort of laugh at it at first, to say, "Actually, it was Samantha. Yeah, I know, it's so weird. She just randomly kissed me one day." Then we could have all laughed at how weird Samantha is.

But now that I'm the deepest shade of red my body is capable of becoming, now that my hands are shaking and there's sweat on my palms, I can't pretend like it meant nothing to me.

In that memory, I can remember every move that she made. She was already taller than me by then and she pulled me by my waist toward her body, our stomachs and pelvises pressed together. She had one hand on my back and the other gingerly cupping the side of my face. I hadn't been sure what she was going to do.

I remember the impish gleam in her eye, that vague smirk on her dry, chapped lips before they covered my own, warm and shocking. It lasted long enough that I could have pulled away. But I didn't. I had my hands on her chest as she held me, feeling so safe, so loved in her firm grasp.

So no, it wasn't "so weird". It's not something I want to snicker about with my friends or act like it was a fluke, an accident. It stayed with me, the feeling of trusting someone else completely, to be trusted in return. She gave me a gift that day, something sacred, even if now she's smirking at me about it, sneering at my embarrassment.

I glance at my friends, at their open faces and their smiles. Then I look at Samantha. "Piercing it is, I guess."