Angels Of Hope

Chapter 12: ICU

"I am bent, but not broken. I am scarred, but not disfigured. I am sad, but not hopeless. I am tired, but not powerless. I am angry, but not bitter. I am depressed, but I am not giving up so fuck you!"

Letty P.O.V

As I entered the room where Jace was at, I couldn't help but feel the emotions that came rolling through me: fear, sadness, hopelessness.

Not knowing if the man that was my children's father was going to make it. Seeing Jace hooked to a breathing tube was frightful. With tears in my eyes, I stepped into the room, with Derek's hand in mine for emotional support. As I got closer to the bed, Jace seemed like he was hanging on by a thread.

The paralyzing hurt spread through my body like icy, liquid metal. I clenched my fists as I took each step. My feet trembled as my legs twitched, fighting the impulse to whirl around and sprint down that damp, shadowed corridor. My throat closed in threat of screaming at the underpaid, overworked staff who called Jace's case hopeless, and my jaw became tight. Fire in the form of water stung my nut-brown eyes, threatening their attack. I crunched my teeth over my lip harder than I ever had. Salty blood filled my mouth. My brain allowed me to pick up my feet in an unbalanced gait, dropping the lead weights to the ground with each harrowing step. Reality tried to tap its way into my marching brain's rhythm. Jace was dying. I was helpless. That was all.

Derek whispered to me, "I am for you. I promise."

"Thank you, Derek. You are such a good friend," I said, with tears running down my face.

With my confidence boosted, I took more steps into the room. Doctors and nurses surrounded his hospital bed, attaching IV's, heart monitors and a breathing tube to him. I explored the place while the other people crowded around him. An old TV set hung from the ceiling. A window gave me a view of the world below beneath the screen. In the corner are two chairs, frayed with wear and tear. It was a typical hospital room, sparse and functional. I sat next to Jace and stared at the ceiling.

I remembered the doctor telling me that he was in a medically induced coma for his safety and that he could still hear me: to talk to him.

"I gave my all to you, and unfortunately, it wasn't enough," I said as I had trouble getting the words out of my mouth.

As I sat there, I contemplated on how I was going to tell Marcie, Dixie, and Layne that their father is in the hospital in a medically induced coma. How do you not know if he was going to make it or not?

"When will you learn that I never hated you - I hated how you made me feel, how you made me vulnerable, unable to sleep at night because I was too busy thinking about you. I never hated you, as I was too in love, but I hated what you did to me without even trying," I said as my phone rang, signaling me that I had a new text message.

Checking the phone, I knew that Tanner learned that I was gone. I answered the text message with the following: "Jace is in the hospital, As soon as I get the chance to find out what is going on, I will call you, but for now, do not tell the kids."

The thoughts accelerated inside my head. I want them to slow so I can breathe but they won't. My breaths come in gasps, and I feel like I will black out. My heart hammered inside my chest as if it belonged to a rabbit running for its skin. The room spun, and I squatted on the floor, trying to make everything slow to something my brain and body can cope. I feel so sick. I want to call an ambulance, but the phone is too far away. I don't know who to call, what's their number, who to call, too far away, he's gone, he went, breathe, gone, what number, too far away... blackness... creeping blackness... I'm on the floor in a fetal position. Where is he, what's my name, who to call, what's the number, the stairs are too steep, the room is spinning until blackness.

"You made me go! You don't get to be mad that I did, because you kept pushing. There's only so much a person can take."

I learned to keep a poker face, all those Christmas Eve's spent gambling potato chips with Nan had paid off after all. So long as I appeared nonchalant, no pinkness in my cheeks to betray me, everything would be just fine.

"I'm tired of being broken and fixed again. I want to be over with it."

"Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you."

All I am is sadness. Every other emotion pushed from my being. Where there was the love, the light, the laughter is an aching hollowness. I was honest, truthful and full of more respect for you than you can ever understand. I have been soft, kind and gentle - yet apparently, being too intelligent negated that. People wonder why girls hide behind false stupidity. All I am is a girl, why the hell didn't you just see me that way?

"I am so much more than what you said I was."

The tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face. The muscles of my chin trembled like a small child, and I glanced at the window as if the light could soothe me. There is static in my head once more, the side effect of this constant fear, constant stress I live. I hear my sounds, like a distressed child, raw from the inside. It takes something out of me I didn't know I had left to give. That's the way it is when people are hard. It's like theft of the spirit, an injury no other person can see.

"I remembered who I was before you convinced me I was worthless," I said before I shut down.

My eyes drip with tears. My walls, the walls that hold me up, make me strong collapsed. Moment by moment, they fall. Salty drops fall from my chin, drenching my shirt. Perhaps these tears will help wash the blood out. I pressed my head against the wall... baby blue, so innocent... I am anything but innocent. I'm trembling. I can't-can't stop. Even as I pressed my hand against the wall, it shakes. It's raw, everything, fresh tears, raw emotions. I can't stop... I can't stop. Why can I not stop crying?