My Poems

A Long Note to My Ex

I was going to write another poem, I really was. It stops me from completely becoming a mess of rage. So here I am, writing a long ass note to someone who won't even read it because I've dropped all contact with them and never want to reingage friendship or conversation with them again. Or maybe I'll send that person this. We'll see. Honestly I just wanted to explain why I broke up with them and why I got so mad afterwards. This is fruitless because I doubt this person will ever change and even if they do change my opinions will not. I'm writing this to finally fully forgive myself for my actions and let this all go, because it's really impacted me for a while, as all of my friends know. This is going to be long, and stupid, and emotional.

So I had been dating this person for quite a bit, probably around 9-10 months maybe 10 1/2, and some questionable things had happened up to this point. Of course at the time I ignored the red flags because I genuinely did love this person. Something that happened a lot would be that this person would start being really self deprecating and sometimes even self harming and always saying that I was too good for them, always apologizing for the smallist of things, saying things like "I could never live without you". All of these things deeply bothered me and worried me, so I tried to help in any way I could. All of my friends did too. Now, however, I realize that these moments were not okay. This person was become solely dependent on me for their happiness that I mentally could not provide which put a lot of stress on me because I knew if I did something wrong they would hurt themself. Some other things also were harmful as well.

I had a pet bird named Cumulus who I had gotten after Everest, one of my first birds, passed away and one day my dog got to him, it was completely my fault and it hit me deep. I still tear up because he was a beautiful, friendly, amazing bird and to have him leave so soon after I had gotten him was more than I could ever bare. I had a lacrosse game soon after and I had to go, so I did. While wating for the bus one of my close friends was all over me, trying to make me feel better, trying to get others to come make me feel better because I was still crying and distraught. Where was the person I was dating? Ignoring me. My friend had to DRAG THEM over to me to try and comfort me. Their excuse was that they didn't know how to comfort people, but they didn't even try. I gave them another chance.

I don't completely remember where in the timeline this is, but that doesn't change how fucking unacceptable this is. While we were dating, one of their friends confessed to them and they admitted that they had feelings for that person as well, and if anything happened to our relationship that they would definitely date that person next. Of course, that is a shocking thing to share with your boyfriend and his friends, and they didn't think it would hurt my feelings at all? Before we even broke up they are already putting someone next in line? What part of any of that is okay? Afterwards they asked me if it had hurt my feelings and because of the person I am of course I said it hadn't. I'm a fucking idiot and I bottle up my feelings and don't tell anyone. That's why I'm writing this right now.

The final major red flag from before I decided I should not be with this person for my own mental health was also something pretty shitty to say. We were talking about secrets in our group chat with all of my friends, and they admitted that they didn't have a crush on me until someone told them that I had a crush on them. Meaning that basically our whole fucking relationship was based on a god damn lie. I lied again that it hadn't hurt my feelings.

After a while, I started to feel like they were avoiding me in the halls at school and we never texted anymore. I just felt like they were falling out of love, so I started to do so as well. I started going straight to class, talking to them as little as possible, because part of me was hurt and the other was guilty because I knew I wasn't feeling anything for them anymore. And because I knew that I didn't love them anymore, I asked my friends for help because this was my first relationship and I am horrible at confrontation but I knew that the relationship would only harm me if it continued. So my friends and I started talking about ways I could break up with them in a way that they wouldn't seriously harm themself. Something else to note is that at the time I really had stopped feeling like myself and felt that everyone around me didn't want me with them, which made me stop talking to almost everyone in general, even those I confided in most. I started self harming again, not cutting but self harming none the less.

One day, they snapped. They were angry because I had said everything was fine between us but was avoiding them and ignoring them. I had explained the day prior that I genuinely didn't feel well mentally and was trying to build myself back up, but only recieved anger in return in trying to explain that point again. I was pushed to a point that I told them everything and ended the relationship there. I felt extremely horrible for ending it the way I had but did not regret my decision to finally end the lies. My friends scolded me for doing it on a Friday, because then they would be alone heartbroken all weekend but I had given up. I had just wanted it to be over. Little did I know that it wasn't fucking close to being over at all.

Their Instagram was full of stuff that was basically just talking shit about me. But it got worse. They asked through one of my friends for a gift to be returned, which I have since thrown in the fucking garbage because ask me directly like a normal fucking person. The shit didn't end though, because they did something even WORSE. They decided for a school project to broadcast the whole situation to a whole, class and the teacher, writing a song about how I "left them in the dirt". The song also apparently pretty much outright said my name and anyone who knew what had happened (which was a lot of people) knew that song was about me. I was horrified. Not in a million years did I think this person would do something as petty as they did. They then got even more upset when told that I was upset about the song, which to this day they excuse as a way to express their feelings. Well, now I'm expressing mine, and you are still going to be pissed you little fucking whiny bitch. Since then I have always felt extremely guilty for the entire situation and any of my friends can tell you how horribly the situation has affected me.

I have hours and hours of conversations with my friends on how bad I've been doing because of this course of events.

Tldr: bitch, stay out of my life from now on. I'm finally starting to get somewhat better after your fucking bullshit. I'm sorry you have mental illnesses, I DO TOO. A LOT OF PEOPLE DO. YOU CANNOT INVALIDATE MY ISSUES THAT HAVE MADE MY MENTAL STATE A MESS WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING DEPRESSION. Yes, I did love you, and yes, I wish things had maybe turned out differently, but from now until the end of time you will always be my toxic first relationship. Thanks for dragging me throught hell, asshole.