fumblings and mumblings //. DEH

Nurture the Pain, Don't Ignite it

(I loooove writing this which is a little embarrassing lol. Anyway, I'm adding a song to each chapter. I'll go back the previous to and add them lol. I'm sorry for my inconsistency)

Connor: hey

Hey. The word echoed in my mind. I received the text on the bus, but the ghost of it haunted me all day.

My fingers furiously tapped the keyboard.

Is there a good way to tell your best friend that you slept with her brother?

Google, now is your time to shine. The search pulled up tons of Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, and other teen magazines. I read every line of each brain demolishing-article during math class, and was only left with a hollowed out feeling in my chest. Everyday I feel like Connor is scooping out my insides with a melon-baller. It was frankly gross imagery and made no sense, but was still cathartic to write in my journal the night before.
Below it, I drew a cartoon of all my friends (Zoe, Alanna, Jared) at a backyard-garden style picnic. Connor, in a frilly housewife-type apron, lifted the dome above and revealed to the table a large platter with my X-eyed head on it. The New Yorker style caption read: 'here everybody! Here's the real Evan.'
I feel like he's outing me to everyone. And unintentionally too! The date(?), how I look at him, how Zoe just knows.
How my mom will just know.

Lunch arrives, and I pull out my phone.

Evan: hi

Play his game. Immediately, he replies:

Connor: are you at school

The lack of punctuation conveyed an urgency to me. I scrolled through our last texts to see if he always messaged like that. My finger slid up the phone:

Connor: we on for Thursday?
Evan: you don't have a test until next Wednesday tho
Connor: yeah but you should come over
Evan: okay, cool. What time?

Jesus Christ stop over analyzing, brain.
Though, I love that he thinks I'm cool enough to actually skip school. As if it'd be an option that I wouldn't. I slid back down:

Evan: yeah. I'm at the lunch table with Zoe
Connor: k I'm coming

I pulled my ball cap further over my face to hide a blush. A hair colored blush. Oh my God, my hair is still pink. I put the phone in my pocket.

"Is it okay if Connor sits with us?" Fear. Zoe, questioningly looked at me. Her head turned up like a dog, which was pretty freaking adorable. I couldn't stand to upset her.

"Yeah. I'm ready, I think." She took a bite of her sandwich. I sweetly smiled at her. I'm very proud of how she's handling him.

"But only if you tell me why you're wearing at hat! What's under there, weirdo?" She laughed. Abort mission.

"Under wear?" I tried to change the subject with a Middle school joke that didn't even make sense. Nice. She pulled off the hat, now Alanna was invested.

"HEck," I practically screamed.

"Holy shit," she covered her mouth. She was laughing too hard.

"What the," muffled laughing. "What the hell did you do?"

"What on earth?" Alanna but in.

"Don't tell Jared, I'll never hear the end of it!"

I reminded Zoe of my 'extra tutoring session' with Connor. I told her that he was dying his hair, I got some on my hand, scratched the top of my head and - Bam! Patchy pink hair!